Reflection.

I sit here, staring at the screen of my computer, gorging myself with M&M's from a cow, and all I can think is... wow... I've made no progress this year.

Well, ok, that statement isn't 100% true. I have made some progress, a lot of it mental. 2008 was truly a year of reflection, learning, trial and error... a lot of error... a lot of errors I'm still continuing to make, and growth as an adult. I opened myself up to things I've never really experienced before. I've had a lot of time to think about who I really am and what I really want, but I can't help but feel I let myself down somehow.

The notable things I've achieved were the joining of my band, and my "new" (4 month old) relationship. Both of which took, and are still taking, a lot of courage and effort, and are making me insanely proud and happy.

Taking that first step to audition for Acrida was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Preforming, recording, it's like the first step in a dream come true. Sometimes I just sit back and think about how, only a year ago, I was staring at the stage thinking... I have to do this. I have to be up there... How the hell am I going to make this happen? And now here I am... I've played a handful of shows, I recorded a cd... I've heard my voice mature... and become proud of what I can do. I still can't believe I somehow mustered up the courage to even go to that audition... but I'm so glad I did.

And who was the one who finally made me see how proud of myself I was? Corey. He could not have picked a better time to enter into my life. In the four months that I've known him, he's made me feel so much more confident. He took my drowned, dead self esteem and revived it with a life I can't even begin to describe. Through him, I am finding myself again... Being with him makes me feel alive, when before I thought every emotion inside of me was dead. Everyday I wake up EXACTLY where I want to be. And everyday I think of how lucky I am to have met someone like him. Words can't even adiquately describe how I feel, anything I could say or write or do never seems enough. But he makes me happy, he makes me feel like I am worth something, and all the challenges, good times and bad, have really brought me back to life.

I look back on my old livejournal entry, dated a year ago today, and I see the things I wished I hadn't done, and wanted to fix this year. Money being one of those things. I'm starting to get better, but it got a whole lot worse before I started correcting myself. The other goal, was to travel. Again, 2009 is looking VERY good in that prospect. Corey and I already have 2 trips planned, one to California and another to Las Vegas(?). Though, I can't help but feel disappointed in myself for not having the drive to make the travel plans happen last year. And I can't help but feel like I'm constantly waiting. Waiting for more money, waiting for more time, waiting for that perfect opportunity to cross my path. Why don't I ever just jump into things? No, again that's not true, the only things I've succeeded in this year I have jumped into, so why am I still so afraid? So LAZY? I'm so convinced that I am in control of my own happiness, so why do I stand in my own way all the time?

A lot of it has to do with the opinions of others. I feel like I'm under constant scrutiny of EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. Everyone judges me, everyone wants to make MY decisions for me. I get so lost in other people that I forget about what I really want 99% of the time. So this year, my resolution will be to stop caring about that. To not get lost in other people and only focus on what is going to make ME happy in the long run. I've lived so long only doing what other people wanted me to do, and feeling guilty for doing things MY way. I understand most people just want what's best for me, but please, enough is enough. This is MY life. I will make mistakes, that's the only way I'll learn. And if I really think that making a certain choice is going to make me happy then WHY would you want to stand in my way? How could you prevent me from having that happiness... even if it's only a temporary thing?

It almost feels like making any sort of goal is pointless because most of the time I never really follow through, but I'm going to continue to make them any way. In 2009 I am going to stop being so lazy, so afraid of everything, and I'm really going to start living the way I want to. I'm going to mess up, I'm going to get lost, but eventually I'll find my way back. This year will be the year I finally start living for me.

Happy New Year, let's all try and make 2009 the year we've all been waiting for.

Yes we fucking Can.

This man is my president. I'm trying EXTREMELY hard not to rub it in people's faces, and trying even harder not to punch anyone who says this is now the downfall of the country. Check your facts just one more time for me. Do some ACTUAL research and then please, battle me. But I warn you, not much is going to sway me from my firm opinions and optimism about his upcoming presidency.

This is a positive change, and in time, I'm sure all the doubters will see the benefits of him leading our country. Foreign relations will be strengthened. We will soon no longer be sinking our tax money into a pointless war. There will be tax breaks for the hardworking middle class. The environment will be on it's way to being saved. New research for freeing us of our dependency on oil will be started and encouraged. Health care will be receiving more help from the government. Where is the downside? Had McCain become president very few, if any, of those positive changes would be put into effect. Not only that, but he (and Satan aka Sarah Palin) would be TAKING AWAY MY FREEDOM to choose what I do with my own body. And I'll be dammed before I let any bald white guy, or retarded hockey mom, tell me what I can and cannot do with my uterus.

Some of you don't see it now, but give it time. Little by little this economy will recover, our foreign relations will strengthen, our national debt will start to heal, new jobs will be made, the environment will be saved, this country will become a much more positive and happy place. Whether you see it now or not, in time you will look back on your reaction and see how misinformed you were. Barack Obama is the change we need, and you WILL be pleasantly surprised.

"There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can't solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it's been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand. .... As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, "We are not enemies, but friends...though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection." And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too." - PRESIDENT elect Barack Obama

Stop. Emo-time.

Sometimes I take a step back and look at myself, really look at myself, and I think, "What am I doing?" Sometimes I feel so out of control of my own life, my own body, my own mind. There are times I feel so focused, but then one little thing gets in my way and I spiral out of control. My mind is so full of contradictions, and it's slowly driving me insane.

What do I want? I've never really had a hard time answering this question. I'd like to think I know exactly what I want from my life, but are my goals and aspirations too far fetched? Will I ever be able to complete one single thing that will make me feel whole and accomplished? When will I be strong enough to take that first blind leap? When will everyone else's opinions not matter to me?

I worry too much. I think too much. I obsess over nothing. I fall too hard. My mind is my worst enemy. I am keeping myself down, standing in my own way, and it frustrates me to no end.

Anxiety has me by my hypothetical balls (ovaries?) again, and I swear to all that is holy, I'm going to punch myself right in the brain to make it stop.

Word Blocked. It's kind of like cock blocking except worse.

There are quite a few things that are on my mind right now, yet I'm having trouble finding the words to explain it all. It's almost as if my brain is working in hyper mode. I feel as if I'm thinking of a million things at once, yet not one single word is able to sneak through and make it onto the page. I've sat down to write a song for the past 3 weeks and have been unable to find the words. Yes, yes I believe I have writers block.

I've been inspired by so many different things recently, too. My life is one crazy roller coaster ride at the moment, so it's not like I don't have material to pick from, but all I can manage are a few lines here and there. I can't form anything concrete or final. I can't get anything more than a paragraph down before I start staring at the page blankly, drooling a little.

Today I discovered how much I am in love with Secondhand Serenade. The lyrics in the songs seem like they were meant for me, and I am so inspired by that. Yet I still sit here, unable to process anything worth while.

This is beyond frustrating.

London calling...

Last week I received one of the top 5 most depressing emails of all time. Up until that point, I had thought the Mighty Boosh Live tickets we purchased were lost somewhere in the mail... Perhaps they were in the ocean... But no. It started out like any other time I went to check my email, but then dramatically changed when, there, in the subject line I saw "Mighty Boosh Live tickets." No, I thought, no it couldn't be. Yes... yes it was. My beautiful tickets are waiting for me in London at the box office. Yeah that's so great! Thanks for telling me 3 weeks prior to the show, which leaves me.... NO time to attempt to save to get there. Oh believe me, there was a moment of panic when I thought to myself, "What the hell can I sell?" It even seemed like a plausable idea until I actually calculated everything. No, no unfortunately it's not possible. I'm missing out on one of the things I want most, a chance to see Noel Fielding's flawless face in person. *sigh* Someday I'll make it to London, I swear to Buddha, but for now I'm just going to have to settle with sitting in a corner, crying like a child on the 23rd... when I was supposed to be at the damn show.

And for those of you in London, or the UK in general, who are going to the show... Eff you man. Eff YOU! ... No not really. But please think of me... maybe your mind powers will send me images of what's going on before I have to search for them on youtube.... and cry.

Blank.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. I love you.

Pictures: Because my brain is on vacation.

It's funny that I have to change my appearance all the time in order to keep myself semi sane... yet I have such a hard time handling any other sort of change in my life.

"Kiss me and you will see stars; love me and I will give them to you."

What is love? How can one who has claimed to have been in love, who feels love, ask this question? Even after all this time, I still have to question this stupid word. How can four little letters spark so many different emotions? How can four little letters control one's entire life?

I went through and read the top 100 love quotes. My favorites have to be these:

18. "I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."
--Roy Croft

48. "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."
--Alexander Smith

53. "Love is friendship set on fire."
--Jeremy Taylor

64. "Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence."
--Vincent van Gogh

69. "From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being."
--Unknown

70. "The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life."
--Sir Hugh Walpole

71. "Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."
--Erich Fromm

72. "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
--Sam Keen

What is love to me? Well, it has changed so many times over the years. Until recently, I only believed love could come over time. Though now, sometimes, if it's the right person, I think love can flourish in almost no time at all. Love is a feeling. Love is something that can never be explained or defined. It's something different for everyone. For me, love is so many different things all thrown into one insane emotion. It's feeling butterflies every time you see, think, touch, smell, talk about this person. It's not being afraid to be who you are, totally uncensored. It's wanting to spend every moment with this person, not needing to. It's missing them the second they are out of arms reach. It's being able to sit there in total silence, yet feel the happiest you've ever felt, just knowing they are there beside you. Love is being able to fight then forgive. True love cannot be sought after, it comes when you least expect it, sometimes when you think all hope is lost. You cannot force yourself to love, because then it is not real. Love should just come naturally.

Love is almost like religion, no one definition is really the right one. It's is something you define for yourself. Only you really know how you feel. Some think they will never love, some never wanted to (myself included), and who can blame them? For such a beautiful emotion, it has to be one of the hardest to live through. Love isn't perfect, it's hard, it's compromise, but I truly believe that if it's real the hard times will fall far short of the good. If it's real, then no matter how ugly things seems to get, with out fail, it will transform into something beautiful again.

We all fear and want love. We all hate it when we don't have it. It's one of the few things that can bring you the most happiness you've ever felt, and the deepest pain. But it's definitely something I never want to live with out.

Holy woah.

Check it! I'm in a movie, kinda. The movie is called "Boundaries of Attraction" featuring the one and only Rob Kersey and directed by Jamie Fessenden (of Dunkirk Studios).

Since I was an extra, and my band created our song "Unspoken" for the movie, I was able to see the first version of it. Let me say, I was very impressed! Definitely go here or here to check out Dunkirk Studios and to see when you can actually see the movie for yourself!

I'm in it for probably a total of a minute. If you look closely in some scenes you can see me in the background. In the beginning I even have 3 whole lines! One of which is in the trailer. Betcha didn't see me...

This was a lot of fun to participate in, even though I was only there for one day. So thanks Rob and Jamie for the opportunity ^_^

You saved me.

It's sad to think that if things had worked out I would be leaving for London in 3 weeks. I'd be staring at Noel Fielding's beautiful face in real life, and maybe even speaking to him. BUT apparently, that is not what the universe had in store for me, and I'm actually content with not going... considering what it gave me instead.

One of the strangest things to me is how well you can connect with some people and not others. How you can meet someone and instantly form a bond, or develop a strong hatred. There have only been a small handful of people who I have instantly connected with in some way, and each time this occurs it sends me into deep thought. I mean, it has to mean something.

This almost goes hand-in-hand with my last post. When you meet these people, and form that bond, it's as if you were SUPPOSED to meet them. And every time this happens to me I try to figure out exactly why that is. What am I here for? What am I learning now? Sometimes, it's a little overwhelming. Normally I don't trust, don't fall in love, don't open up that easily and when I find myself doing just that I have to take a step back. I put up a wall to try and save myself from any possible pain. I fear pouring everything into something that could quite possibly go to shit at any second. This is just paranoia, and I should just relax. Even if things do go to shit, it was still a learning experience. I still gained something from it. So slowly, I just relax and try to go with the flow (for lack of a better phrase). But still, in the back of my mind... I'm trying to figure this person out, and why they have been put into my life.

So this "instabond" happened to me, just about a month ago, and I found myself doing all the things I mention above. But let me tell you what a fantastic feeling it is, despite all the stupid paranoia that comes with it. It still scares me a bit, especially since I started feeling things I never thought I would feel again. I'm definitely happy... and definitely glad the universe gave me this instead.

Chain of Events

My family was never religious. They never discouraged me from religion, instead they let me find my own way. Most of my friends went to church, so I wanted to see what it was all about. My first experience in a church was a Roman Catholic one. And let me tell you, being an 8 year old who knows nothing of god or religion, sitting there in that place had to have been one of the most boring experience in my life. I never fully believed in this "christian god." Every so often I would ask it to help me with something, saying, "If you are there..." I never really got an answer, I never really expected one, so in turn I've created my own theories. By no means am I religious, not in the least, but I am a pretty spiritual girl. I think we all have souls, we all have an energy, and when we die I think something must happen. For a long time now I've believed in reincarnation, mostly because I am supposed to be a reincarnation of someone. One thing I've been questioning after many deep conversations with a handful of different people is my theory on fate. I tell people I don't believe in god, I believe in fate. This meaning I believe everything happens for a reason. Until recently I believed that our entire lives are already planned out, every path we chose was because we were supposed to, and most people find that a little depressing. I feel torn. One the one hand, it makes so much sense. Think back on your life. Think of where you are now. I know I can trace all the series of events that have lead me to where I am. I can pin point the littlest things that have really turned out to be HUGE turning points in my life. I can't help but feel I chose those things on purpose, because I was supposed to. Fate planned that for me, and that's why I did it. What if I had chose the other path? Where would I be. I think the biggest turning point in my life was when I decided to go to youth group with Alison. Had I not done that my entire life would be different. I wouldn't be the same person, I wouldn't have the same friends, I wouldn't have had my first long relationship, I wouldn't listen to the same music... And now, even recently, I've seen fate working again all starting with my decision to go to American Idol with Jackie. That vacation turned into an eye opening experience... then after that my decision to go ahead and go to that party (a party at a friends house that I had JUST reconnected with)... all of these things feel like they were set there on purpose. I was SUPPOSED to do what I did, to go where I went. Then you have to think about the more depressing things, like death. I hate the saying, "it's part of god's plan," because sometimes death just doesn't seem necessary. Most of the time it seems that people are "taken" too young, and what is the point in that? Yes, it's a learning experience, truly one of life's big tests for you, but is that something that was supposed to happen? Was that laid out? Was it avoidable? I could go on for days with this, but this entry is already long enough. I wish there was some way to really know what is right... and if people think I'm totally insane for thinking the way I do.

Disjointed

Even though your head is technically attached to your body, doesn't it feel like most of the time they aren't really communicating? How is it that we are not in control of our own emotions? To an extent, we are, but most of the time we are screaming at ourselves in the third person. Who really wants to feel miserable? Who really wants to feel pain? Who is content with constantly being unhappy? No one. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just tell yourself, "Ok enough of that," and BAM it's over. You're done with whatever it is you didn't want to be feeling in an instant. Mind over matter does actually work for some, though for me I can't make it happen in an instant, sometimes I can't make it happen for days. For example, I hate being anxious, HATE it. There is nothing worse than feeling like I've OD'd on fucking speed or something. My heart is pounding, I shake, I breathe erratically, I'm jumpy. I don't EVER want to feel that way. So I say to myself, "Ok stop. I'm done with this," but my body doesn't listen. It continues to drive me slowly insane, continues to make me talk myself down like a psycho, until finally I win which could be days or weeks down the line.

Buddhism teaches you to the importance of being one with your body and mind. It says you should meditate until you feel whole, until you bring yourself back. I've tried this so many times, but I can't stop my brain from drifting to other things. This is why I have trouble sleeping, I can't turn it off. This is why I write so damn much... I wish there was just some easy fix to get your head and body to listen to one another. I want to practice the shit out of mind over matter so hopefully one day I will be totally whipped by myself.

Though for now, I'll just keep repeating over and over in my head that everything will be ok and I need to calm the eff down. Maybe it will work...

Mirror on the wall, paint the picture.

So my first photo shoot... Let me tell you how absolutely terrifying this was. I usually hate, ABSOLUTELY HATE pictures of myself. I feel like I am one of the least photogenic people ever, so to willingly let someone photograph me was a big step for my recovering self esteem. I am extremely pleased with the way they came out. It was amazing that I only hated a few of them. This was actually fun, and the places we went to were absolutely beautiful. I liked it so much that I might actually do it again. Imagine that? This doesn't mean that I don't still hate taking pictures, but it does help me think that I can actually be pretty sometimes. Yay me! Yay self esteem!

Heather's Photo Myspace (the girl who took my pictures)
My Photobucket Album with the rest of the pictures I stole (the password is my first and last name with no spaces)

Thanks to everyone who gave me such nice compliments. It means a whole hell of a lot.

Dictator

Have you ever sat back and thought about how much music rules the world? How, for some people, it totally dictates who you are as a person. What you wear, the things you say, the way you think, how you look at the world. It's everything.

Music helps with emotions, either making them come or taking them away. It helps with seeing the true beauty in the world. Could you imagine watching a movie with out music? Seeing a commercial? We are programmed as human beings to be sensitive to music, it's supposed to make us feel something. So I think it's just unnatural to not let yourself be ruled by music.

Unfortunately, music does become the scapegoat for things it shouldn't. Like, when Marilyn Manson was blamed for Columbine. Yes, they listened to his music, yes they probably dressed the way they did because of the music, but did he put that gun in their hands? No. Did he pull the trigger? No. You know who's fault it was? The parents, teachers and friends who ignored the warning signs, NOT the music. I bet when they were listening to his music they were comforted, maybe just for one second.

My hope, no, my DREAM for my own music (whether with Acrida or my own solo stuff) is to inspire people. When they hear my lyrics I want them to say, "Yes, I've felt this way. I can't believe someone else did too..." or even hear the more encouraging lyrics and have that inspire them to something great, to make something of themselves. I want to see my words posted on livejournals, myspace's, facebooks, notebooks, walls. I want to see people singing along with me, crying, laughing, smiling... really feeling the impact of my words. That is my ultimate goal. I want to leave my mark on the musical world, and make an impact on someone. Even if I can inspire ONE person with my words I can seriously die happy. Someday, I'm hoping this will come true, and I'm doing everything in my power to make it happen.

Crazy Internet

I was sent this test to take. It only takes a few minutes to complete and the results are actually pretty accurate. Today's was not as spot-on as yesterday's was. Here's a little taste of what it said:

Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace, and affectionate understanding. Feels she has been treated with a lack of consideration and is upset and agitated as a result. Regards her situation as intolerable as long as her requirements are not complied with.

Your Actual Problem
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. A feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. Tries to escape from this by relinquishing the struggle, and by finding peaceful and restful conditions in which to recuperate in an atmosphere of affection and security.

Your Actual Problem #2
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

There's a lot more to it, but I only started copying the text on these questions. It's pretty cool. Give it a go.

Not affiliated with my professional career.

My sister had a quote in an away message recently that I absolutely love.

"I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and get hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."
- T. Rubin

Especially in the state I was in, this quote inspires me to be a better person; to love myself and all the stupid little quirks I have, to take the bad as it comes and just slowly work through it and aspire to be in that place of happiness I once was. I can never let my mind get the best of me, no one should, but unfortunately that is easier said than done. Lucky for me, thanks to an amazing weekend, loving friends and wonderful mind over matter skills, I have found my happiness again. My mind is light, my body no longer feels as if I'm being dragged closer and closer into the ground. I am ok. The choices I made to better myself, as hard as they may be, are totally necessary, and because of what I've chosen to do I feel stronger than ever. I am finally on the road I need to be on, and have needed to be on for a long time. I am ok, I will be ok no matter what, and the fact that I can finally say that just shows I am leaps and bounds from where I was even a year ago.

Finally, I can breathe again.

*Edit: Turns out T. Rubin shares my birthday. Great minds share birthdays...

Broken

I've gone from one extreme to the other in just a week, spending most of my time in the middle of nowhere, absent of cell phone service and civilization in general, only to leave that for one of the biggest, most popular cities in the world. Something inside just wont allow me to embrace New York City as a good place to be, I am far to loyal to my wonderful, comfortable Boston. None the less, it is a fantastic city. Central Park was one of the most beautiful places (in a city) I have ever been, and I really would like to go back soon so I can fully explore the depths of the city. Maybe next time I will actually have money to spend.

In that time, my vacation, I was supposed to relax. My mind was supposed to clear and just forget all the troubles and worries I might have to face in the impending days that lie ahead, and for a minute there, I could actually shut off. I was carefree. I was content. I was comfortable and free and was able to forget, but then like a flash of light, there it was, poising my brain with anxiety and stress. Panic overtook me, then became me, as my vacation drew to the end.

Now I sit here, back in my cubicle, amongst the gray walls and soft whir of the printers, and I feel worse than I did before. I am broken down, I am a shell of who I was and wanted to be. I am completely drained of all passion I had before I left. I am empty... Completely broken open, used and exposed to the world. The only question I have is what have I done to deserve this complete drain of my mental health?

All I want from this life is happiness, why is it so hard to obtain?

Why Fredrico? Why?

Dear Fredrico,
You have been my best friend since I was 16. The first time we met you were about 3 and we instantly formed a bond. Soon after I found out you were a boy who enjoyed masochism from time to time (to make the gas light go away). You've been so reliable for so long, you even got me to a gas station safely every time, even when you had been on empty for close to 2 days. Now Fredrico, why today? I know I've been ignoring your sickness for so long, but you have to understand the situation I am in. You knew once I had the money I would fix you up good as new! You just needed to wait another month or 2, and you came so close! I saw you struggling a few days ago when the check engine light started flashing and you almost stalled in the middle of the street. And thank you so much for fixing yourself just enough to get me up to the lake. I'm sorry for pushing you so hard yesterday, but I had to get you out of the mud. Now I'm not mad at you, old friend, I only wished you could have given me just a little bit more time. I have to leave you at the strange mechanics until Saturday now, and when I get back, who knows how much more time we will have together. We might have to trade you in. I wish you could have let me know what I was doing wrong sooner. Like, when I had the money to spend because now I'm afraid we'll have to say goodbye. I'll miss you good buddy, thanks for all the good times. Sorry I couldn't do anything sooner to fix you.

Love always and forever,
Sammi.

Noel Fielding: Literally the man of my dreams.

Ever have one of those dreams where, in it, you think, "For the love of god, please don't be a dream." Then when you wake you are overcome with the biggest, dorkiest overwhelmingly sad feeling...? Well I did. I'm sitting here still left in the post dream haze, still hanging on to the little bits of happy anxiety that linger in my body, and I've come to this conclusion:

I am a HUGE dork, and subconciously I'm a much bigger fangirl than I thought I was.

First of all, I was living in London (well it was supposed to be, but no one had accents). Second, Noel Fielding (who took the form of a accentless, plump version of Trent Reznor.. wtf?!) saw me and was INSTANTLY in love. Ok seriously, besides the whole plump Trent Reznor thing, who wouldn't want to be in that dream? Hmm?

Not this girl. Oh Noel...

Bensons: Part Duex.

Edit: I added 2 pictures I found on google of Benson's back the the day. It's pretty friggin' awesome. I'm hoping to find more. My goal is to find an old map.

Chris, Ali and I went for a walk in Benson's yesterday where we basically just finished what Chris and I (and a handful of others) started about 5 years ago now. It took me 5 years to get back here and actually see what I wanted to see, the abandoned buildings and cages. Turns out the group of us back in '03 went completely the wrong way. We basically walked around marshlands for a few hours. Even visiting it during the day was scary enough, so despite being disappointed about not seeing the buildings, I'm glad I waited until the day to explore them.

I've finally decided on 2 books I'm going to write. The first one being a revised, longer version of a story I started when I was probably about 15, and the second will be an autobiography of sorts. I'll explain more tomorrow.

You Fake Bitch.

Please Note Before reading this post: I am one of the biggest feminists I know, so please don't think that I am in any way belittling my sex.

I was torn with what subject this blog was going to focus on. At first, I was all gung-ho (sp?) with the idea of writing about a drug busting turtle ... "Is there any chance that the turtle was stoned?" (God I love fox news), but then something sparked a new idea. I really have no clue where this came from...

I once saw a bit on a Chris Rock comedy special about how women are liars, physically. It made me laugh pretty hard because I knew it was true. He talked about all the little things you could change in order to make yourself better. For some reason this morning, that bit popped into my head again. Good god, Chris Rock, how right you are.


Women can change the following with out any surgery at all:

Boobs: Just slap on a padded bra or get some fancy silicone breast implants then BAM, even the flattest of girls will appear to have a little bit of cleavage!

Height: Don't wanna be short? Put on some damn heels bitch!

Hair color and length: You can be any color of the rainbow, just dye it. And if you want longer hair.... just get some extensions. You can even kill 2 birds with one stone and get COLORED hair extensions.

Eyelashes: Even if you have small, thin eyelashes all you have to do is get some fake ones.

Weight/Shape: They sell corsets for that shit, man. Not even the "sexy lingerie" ones. They have underwear that can sinch your waist, belly and thighs. AND they have bathing suits that can do the same thing.

Skin: Concealer and foundation are your best friend if your skin is too red or has too much acne. AND! If you're not tan enough just go grab some tan-in-a-can or go to a tanning bed.

Dude, what the hell is this shit? You can become a completely different person just by going to Wal-Mart. It's unfortunate that girls are under so much pressure to look good that even YOUR EYELASHES aren't good enough. Not that I'm against any of these things really... I'm guilty of being a "liar." I wear padded bras. Hell! I even have the stupid boob insert things. Though I don't wear them too often because I feel insanely fake and misleading when I do. My hair color is different every other day. Fake eyelashes? Yeah I have those... Corsets? I have about 10. I'm guilty of using tan-in-a-can (or tube). Concealer and foundation are my best friends, and people are shocked when I wear flats because they are so used to my heels.

It's a shame that we are so pressured to look good that we hide under a mask of fake. I wish I was comfortable enough with myself to be able to look at my naked, make-upless self and think "God damn, I'm hot!" but you know, that's never gunna happen. I'll continue to buy all the stupid little gimmicky products that claim I'll look like all the hot celebrates. Unfortunately, the older I get, the more I'll start to hide behind all the fake, materialistic bullshit... and so will everyone else.

All this got me thinking about how fucked guys are. It's not socially acceptable for them to change their appearance the way women change theirs. If a guy wore heels, they'd be gay. Fake eyelashes? Gay. Makeup? Gay. If they stuffed their crotches or if someone made a crazy silicone dick insert and some guy wore it, they'd be teased to no end. It's like guys, as big of liars as they are, are forced by society to be honest... at least physically. Even the most hideous of women can be made up to look insanely hot *cough*morganweb*cough*, but if you're an ugly, acne-prone, short guy...sorry, society says you can't make yourself look better. Very strange.

Society is confusing. Gender rolls are confusing. And the media is the devil.

The Beginning

I don't exactly know why it is, but I feel more grown up with this blog. Leaving behind the emo-esque atmosphere that is livejournal, I now embark on a totally new journey... blogger!...? Yeah, I don't know... don't question me.

Because I know that most of the people reading this (if anyone is reading it at all) are mostly my friends, I'm going to skip the whole introduction thing. If, by some chance, some poor soul aimlessly stumbles upon the mindless drool that is my "secret public journal" (thank you Mike Birbibglia) then say hello, I will give you my life story.

Now for those of you who follow my livejournal or myspace blog, you have noticed my unyeilding hatred for all that is working, cubicles, robotic living... all that. Well now, children, lookit here what I've stumbled upon on yahoo:

"Most Americans only earn on average 14 vacation days a year, compared with our Italian counterparts (42 days a year), the French (37), Germans (35), and Canadians (26). Even the Japanese--long considered the most over-worked people on Earth--average 25 vacation days a year. No wonder American job burnout is common from coast to coast."

What the HELL is this crap!? What founding father decided it would be a fantastic idea to liberate themselves by taking away vacation time?? No, I know that's not how it happened, but still. How did Americans come to this? In the article, it goes on to say how some of us don't even take vacation time, which leaves 421 MILLION unused vacation days. I don't know about you, but I'll pick up the slack for these people. With open arms, I'll gladly take on the burdon that is your vacation days! Worry no more my workaholic friends! I am here to save the day!

All I'm saying is, it's time to start a revolution (another one, a different one besides the "real-looking-women revolution"). One that involves petitioning the government to be more like the rest of the world. I mean, hey! It seems to be working fine for them, so we might as well adopt their strategy, right?


... Or maybe I'll just go live in Italy. Si, per favore!


Ps. Be prepared for multiple postings a day. I gats me a lot of thoughts that need saying.