Reflection.

I sit here, staring at the screen of my computer, gorging myself with M&M's from a cow, and all I can think is... wow... I've made no progress this year.

Well, ok, that statement isn't 100% true. I have made some progress, a lot of it mental. 2008 was truly a year of reflection, learning, trial and error... a lot of error... a lot of errors I'm still continuing to make, and growth as an adult. I opened myself up to things I've never really experienced before. I've had a lot of time to think about who I really am and what I really want, but I can't help but feel I let myself down somehow.

The notable things I've achieved were the joining of my band, and my "new" (4 month old) relationship. Both of which took, and are still taking, a lot of courage and effort, and are making me insanely proud and happy.

Taking that first step to audition for Acrida was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Preforming, recording, it's like the first step in a dream come true. Sometimes I just sit back and think about how, only a year ago, I was staring at the stage thinking... I have to do this. I have to be up there... How the hell am I going to make this happen? And now here I am... I've played a handful of shows, I recorded a cd... I've heard my voice mature... and become proud of what I can do. I still can't believe I somehow mustered up the courage to even go to that audition... but I'm so glad I did.

And who was the one who finally made me see how proud of myself I was? Corey. He could not have picked a better time to enter into my life. In the four months that I've known him, he's made me feel so much more confident. He took my drowned, dead self esteem and revived it with a life I can't even begin to describe. Through him, I am finding myself again... Being with him makes me feel alive, when before I thought every emotion inside of me was dead. Everyday I wake up EXACTLY where I want to be. And everyday I think of how lucky I am to have met someone like him. Words can't even adiquately describe how I feel, anything I could say or write or do never seems enough. But he makes me happy, he makes me feel like I am worth something, and all the challenges, good times and bad, have really brought me back to life.

I look back on my old livejournal entry, dated a year ago today, and I see the things I wished I hadn't done, and wanted to fix this year. Money being one of those things. I'm starting to get better, but it got a whole lot worse before I started correcting myself. The other goal, was to travel. Again, 2009 is looking VERY good in that prospect. Corey and I already have 2 trips planned, one to California and another to Las Vegas(?). Though, I can't help but feel disappointed in myself for not having the drive to make the travel plans happen last year. And I can't help but feel like I'm constantly waiting. Waiting for more money, waiting for more time, waiting for that perfect opportunity to cross my path. Why don't I ever just jump into things? No, again that's not true, the only things I've succeeded in this year I have jumped into, so why am I still so afraid? So LAZY? I'm so convinced that I am in control of my own happiness, so why do I stand in my own way all the time?

A lot of it has to do with the opinions of others. I feel like I'm under constant scrutiny of EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. Everyone judges me, everyone wants to make MY decisions for me. I get so lost in other people that I forget about what I really want 99% of the time. So this year, my resolution will be to stop caring about that. To not get lost in other people and only focus on what is going to make ME happy in the long run. I've lived so long only doing what other people wanted me to do, and feeling guilty for doing things MY way. I understand most people just want what's best for me, but please, enough is enough. This is MY life. I will make mistakes, that's the only way I'll learn. And if I really think that making a certain choice is going to make me happy then WHY would you want to stand in my way? How could you prevent me from having that happiness... even if it's only a temporary thing?

It almost feels like making any sort of goal is pointless because most of the time I never really follow through, but I'm going to continue to make them any way. In 2009 I am going to stop being so lazy, so afraid of everything, and I'm really going to start living the way I want to. I'm going to mess up, I'm going to get lost, but eventually I'll find my way back. This year will be the year I finally start living for me.

Happy New Year, let's all try and make 2009 the year we've all been waiting for.