24 November, 2010

Thankful #2

Last year I posted a blog in which I listed the things I was thankful for. I reread it and nothing much has changed. I'm still equally as thankful for all the same things, but I guess I've come to appreciate some of them a little more. One in particular being...

My family.

I think every year I am even more thankful to have the family that I do. My immediate family is extremely close. There's really not much they don't know about me, whether they wanted to know about it in the first place or not. They are basically my support group and the people I turn to when I need help.

My aunt, who just so happens to be my second mother, has been my therapist since I was a little girl. She is probably the reason I am so open about everything. She's been teaching me how to speak my mind since... well, basically since I can remember. I always know I can turn to her for unbiased, solid advice. She was my savior through my teenage years when I felt as though my parents hated me. And while she may not have been very happy with what I was doing, she still helped. She still wanted me around, and at that time that was exactly what I needed. Now, she's still my therapist, still my shopping buddy, and completely supportive of my life choices. I love her like a daughter loves her mother, she's more than just an aunt to me.

My mom is someone I have ALWAYS been close to (with maybe the exception of my teenage years). I feel like we are slowly shedding that "mother-daughter" wall and becoming more like friends. I can talk to her about anything, and I think she is starting to feel more comfortable with sharing things her life with me. It's nice getting older and realizing that your parents aren't actually these god-like figures. They are human, they are just like you... and they are FAR from perfect. I like getting to know my mom. I like knowing about the stupid little mistakes she may have made before my time. My mom... she's kind of a bad ass. And as time goes on I learn more and more about how bad ass she actually is.

My dad and I have come a very long way. We didn't always get along the way we do, and it was a tough road getting there. But every day I am more and more happy that we fixed everything that needed to be fixed. We let the past be the past and now we have a very close bond. I can't tell you how happy it makes me when I see how proud of me he is. This past Saturday I played a show in Manchester that my family attended. My aunt later sent me an email telling me how my dad would turn to them and say, "That's my daughter up there!" I am so unbelievably lucky to have such supportive parents. My dad has always been supportive of just about everything I have ever done (even during the tougher times)... especially my music career. He shows my band to everyone he knows and has sold a TON of cds for us. The daughter in me always wants to make my parents happy, so when I do, it's like I'm a kid all over again. A little girl filled with excitement for doing a good job and making them proud.

My sister I could go on for days about. I've already stated in my previous entry that she is my best friend. She and I have been close for most of our lives, but it wasn't until I moved out of the house that we became such good friends. During the beginning of her teen years our relationship took a turn, but it was very short lived. It seems like every year we become closer. These past few years I have really come to appreciate our closeness, especially going through the rearranging of friends. While we don't always agree on everything, and we are still sisters so obviously there have been times where we have been annoyed with each other, we are still supportive. She always goes out of her way to be there for me, and she knows I do the same. She really is the best friend I will ever have, and I know how lucky I am for that.

There are not many families with a bond like mine. I'm reminded of this by a handful of different people in my life. As a teenager, I took it for granted, but now I appreciate every single moment of it. I am thankful for my family... for being there... for loving me... for supporting me... and for being the strange individuals that I love so very, very much.

22 November, 2010

Alone in a Crowded Room

As I fly through my 20's, I can't help but take note of all the things I have come to learn both about myself and those around me. The biggie being the important lesson of friendship.

You may find yourself asking these questions, "Who do I trust? Who is real?" Well, unfortunately, what I've come to discover is... no one. Okay, that may be a little over dramatic, but it's mostly true. As I get older I learn more and more about who I can trust, who exactly I can let in, who is probably around for the long haul, and who is completely psychotic. Though I have made mistakes. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I try really hard not to judge someones character based on first impressions alone (and other peoples opinions). I do believe that deep down most everyone has the potential to be a good person, but unfortunately, this usually gets me into trouble. I've befriended people who my gut instinct has told me, "Uh, no. Bad idea." But because the nice person in me has said, "Well... mayyybbbeee..." I usually get myself into situations that I really, really don't want to be in. No matter how much I love to debate or argue (I'm an Aries, don't judge me), no amount of playful (and sometimes serious) arguments are worth the 14 billion days of drama that are sure to follow. I've learned how to keep my mouth shut, and I've definitely learned which people are the drama starters... and promptly decided to limit my interaction with them.

For someone who is 100% completely afraid of being alone, I'm starting to become more comfortable with myself. Very, very slowly I'm trying to like who I am, since really... I'm the the only one who's always going to be around for me. It's hard... It's depressing... and it can be lonely when I really start to think about it. I used to be close with a lot of people. I used to have a handful of girls I could call my "best friends" but that, much like everything else, inevitably came to an end, and I moved on. Sometimes I'm sad about it, but such is life. Nothing ever lasts forever. People come and go on a pretty much constant basis, so you need to just "sack up" (to quote a friend) and deal with it.

At first, I did not react to this change well, but now I've almost become accustomed to it. I feel much like the outsider, but I'm honestly okay with that. I observe everyone's lives from afar only to have brief encounters with them to play "catch up." And you know, that's okay. It's still nice to see that people can confide in me.

I'm not a complete loner however. I do still have a handful of very close friends. Those who have stuck by me have almost become more like family in my mind. My absolute best female friend is actually family, and I am so insanely lucky to have such a close bond with her (my sister). I do know who I can count on and I make sure they know it. I try to return the favor as often as possible.

I've pretty much come to accept that when it comes to friends there are those you can count on, and those you can't. Learn to expect nothing from people. Don't expect them to go out of their way for you because everyone is selfish, everyone... If you need someone for something go out and ask. If you treat someone with respect and they turn around and disrespect you, they may not actually be a "real" friend. You don't necessarily have to cut them out of your life completely, instead just place them in the "unreliable" category and move along. Every friend serves some sort of purpose. Some are your therapists, some are your party buddies, some are short term, others are long, and some are a combination. That's just how it is. Not everyone can be your best friend, and sometimes even your best friend can surprise you.

So just remember, nothing lasts forever, but at one point in time that friend provided you with either something you needed or something you needed to learn. Take solace in the fact that there will always be someone else you will find or can rely on, even if that person is yourself.