(Insert Emo Sounding Title Here)

Day 22 - A time you felt like ending your own life.

I've opened up quite a bit in this blog. Sometimes I freak myself out just by thinking about all the personal babble I've put on the internet... And how I've willingly admitted to any random or not-so-random passerby of this thing that I can be a tich psychotic at times, or all the time... You can pick whichever one you'd like, I don't mind. Some people have told me that it takes a lot of "courage" to do what I do, to open myself up to complete strangers, but to me it's not really a huge deal. The way I look at it, we're all flawed. Every... single... one of us.... Whether you choose to admit it or not. Deep down there's a different person inside us all, someone no one or very few get to see, and while I keep some aspects of my personal life hidden, I'm not afraid to expose most of my flaws to the general public.

That being said, this particular day of the challenge seems almost too personal. I could be vague or I could just flat out lie and tell you that I've never thought about ending my own life, but the whole point of this damn thing is to get to know me... the real me. So with the title of this entry being a disclaimer, I'll share with you the darkest of places my mind has gone.

I come from a line of "mental illnesses," so it's only fitting that I continue with the family tradition. I've said before my life has been a long battle with anxiety and depression, so if I were to tell you I haven't considered suicide at some point or another you'd probably think I was lying. I don't think I can quite recall the first time I felt like I wanted out, but I know that every so often that thought still finds itself clinging to the fibers in the back of my mind. My life is far from horrible, but I can easily get overwhelmed.  The realization of working, the real world and responsibility alone can bring a grown man to tears from time to time, and when you're feeling really overwhelmed, really stuck, ending it all can sometimes seem like the best way out.

But I think the time I was most seriously considering not existing anymore was probably in college. I've mentioned on here before that the relationship I was in before the one I'm in now was dysfunctional, but I feel like even that word couldn't do what it actually felt like justice. It's not that he was a bad person, because he wasn't, we were just two people that did not, I repeat, DID NOT belong in a relationship together. We were best friends before that, and that's all we should have remained.

He and I were together on and off for almost 6 years, and during that time I became this horrible monster of a person. Jealousy is one of those things that can turn even the most beautiful of people into the most ugly thing you have ever seen, and I was no exception. He would do little things to violate my trust and the jealousy would build... and it would build... and soon it overtook me and our entire relationship. Being with him became more of a possessive thing than something I actually wanted to do. I hated who I was, I hated the things I said, the way I felt, how much I depended on him... but I couldn't bring myself to leave. And when we both went off to college things got much, much worse.

He started a month before I did. His dorms were only a twenty minute drive from my house at the time, so I didn't think it was going to be that big of a change. But once he got there he started making friends, started fitting in, you know all the normal things you're supposed to do when you start college, and it made me furious. I started to feel like he'd rather be with all his NEW friends, around all those art school college sluts, instead of me, and it made me insane. The mega-fighting began there, and was made worse when I left for school, an hour away, a month later. My college experience was different from his. He made so many friends really quickly, and I made basically none (save for the two friends from high school that came with me and I was rooming with). So I became jealous of his experience. He was, after all, at the school I really wanted to go to, but ultimately decided against.

Things got worse from there, and a few months in he broke up with me. We tried to stay friends, but it killed me to see how okay with the break up he was and I wasn't. Eventually I decided to just get over it and I met someone new. Long story short, my ex found out, didn't like it, and we ended up back together a little more than three weeks later. Horrible idea.

From there the jealousy got worse. His friends didn't like me because I was too controlling. I acted like a crazy person almost every time I was at his dorms. He would even sneak out of his room to hang out with everyone while I was sleeping... which didn't help the whole jealousy thing when I found out that's what he was doing. At first, I would only come down on the weekends, but after a little while I started coming back during the week. In the middle of my college experience my best friend and I ended up moving into student apartments together. At first everything was great, but after a little while she started becoming more distant. We hung out less, she went home almost everyday to work at her job, and I felt incredibly alone. Like I said, I didn't make a whole lot of friends there, and the ones I did make tended to just keep to themselves, which meant if I wasn't in class, I was alone. And I did not do well with being alone. That was around the time when I started going to see him during the week too. Every time we met it felt like he was only doing it because I wanted it, not because he missed me too... and that started eating away at me. Then soon it turned into us just seeing each other once during the week and on the weekends.

So there I was. Stuck at school, not even a real school, a fake, wannabe of a school, studying something I was quickly losing interest in, barely made any real friends, my best friend, the person I thought I could count on for anything, slowly starting to hate me, and my own boyfriend not wanting to spend time with me. I had never felt more alone in my entire life. All I could think about was how I drove everyone away... How I must not have any sort of personality because no one tries to hang out with me. I quickly came to the conclusion that I was a horrible person that no one wanted to be around. I felt like I would have been better off dead. No one would care that I was gone. I was obviously just a burden to everyone else... Too crazy to be a girlfriend, too needy to be a best friend, too shy to make new friends, my parents would have one less child to pay for. Everyone would have been better off without me. I tried to do things to distract me from my own thoughts. I spent countless hours staring at the computer screen playing The Sims. I even got so lonely that I would just sit at the tech center and hope someone would come talk to me, or that maybe, just maybe I could make a good friend.

Things didn't improve with my best friend and I, and it almost got to the point where we barely spoke. I still felt psychotic with my boyfriend and the distance made it worse. So I started trying to plan out how I would end it. Would I just drift off the highway while on my way to meet my boyfriend? Would I just take a handful of pills? Or would I go the typical girl way by slitting my wrists in the bathtub? I thought about the note I would write to everyone. I wondered how many people would be at my funeral. I wondered if anyone would care. I wondered if I was even significant enough for anyone to notice that I wasn't around. Then, when the thoughts of everything became too much, I would sometimes try to just drift off the road. Close my eyes and let go... But something always held me back. Something always made me open my eyes. I didn't want to live, but I was much too afraid to die.

After a little while, I decided I needed to do something. It wasn't healthy to constantly want to die, so I ended up breaking down to my mom about a month before college was over. I told her everything that was happening with my best friend, with my lack of friends, with my boyfriend, and I admitted to her that, "If I have to stay here by myself any longer I'm going to kill myself." With that, she allowed me to move home, and I commuted for the rest of my time there.

Things did end up getting better with my best friend. We had a few heart to hearts and ultimately decided that we had communication issues... and that it was probably best we didn't live together. And while I may have thought everything was easier with my boyfriend after I moved home... it didn't really help anything. We continued to be dysfunctional, and after we moved in together I think we got to our peak. The feeling of being a monster never went away, it only got worse, and I can recall a few different times where I had locked myself in our bathroom and just stared at the blade of a knife... Wishing for the strength to just do it. To just end it. I just couldn't take feeling that way anymore. But I never did get that "strength," or give in to that weakness, and eventually he and I broke up, for good... and I felt like a sane person again.

In my most contemplative states I try to think of everything I would have missed out on had I succeeded in my attempts. I think about how much it would have devastated my family, and how selfish of me it was to even think about ending it all. Of course I still think about it from time to time, but since those above times I have never been that serious about it. I've since decided that I can't miss out on what life has in store for me. No matter how stuck you feel, how completely miserable you are, you are GOING to be okay at some point. You are GOING to experience that insane happiness again. You're going to FEEL something at some point. You never know what's going to happen and there could be something amazing waiting for you just around the corner. Your life is never over unless YOU make it that way.

Struggles come with being an adult... or a human. You have to feel like you've hit rock bottom to really appreciate the times where you feel like you're on top of the world. We have the ability to persevere through anything. Break ups, death, jobs, college, relationships, sickness. We have the ability to come through it all, you just have to know that you wont always feel that way. As much as it may feel like it at the time, that feeling wont last forever. You will laugh again, you will cry again, you will be in that pit of self pity again, but that's how it goes. This life is just a cycle of tests and shit and happiness. It's just one big crazy ass roller coaster, and once you realize that it helps you get through the day.

You may be sitting in a blue cubicle right now... slaving away, writing emails, answering phones, feeling like a robot... but you always get a break. You may be mourning the loss of a break up, feeling like there is no way you'll ever love again.... but you will. You may feel like you've lost control of your life... but it won't ALWAYS be like that... if you don't LET IT. We have to take responsibility for our own lives. We have the power to make OURSELVES happy. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen. And knowing this is what helps me get through the day. Knowing that I have so much more to see and experience helps me to push out the darkness that overcomes every one of us from time to time. And I know it seems cliche and over used, but this phrase has always held true and is one of my favorites...

"After all, tomorrow is another day."

He loves me, he loves me not.

Day 21 - A picture of your first boyfriend/girlfriend.

You know what, challenge? I'm not gunna do that. Why? Well, because it's kind of weird. Instead I shall describe to you what that person was like. As I've said before, I don't count any non-serious boyfriends as an actual "boyfriend," but for the sake of this challenge I'll just bring up each one of my firsts.

If we're going WAY back, my first "boyfriend" was in preschool. The only thing I remember about him was that his name was Chad. I've found one picture of us since then, and if I had it in my possession I would definitely post it here, but alas... it's somewhere in the many boxes of childhood photos hidden somewhere in my parents home. In this picture, I am dressed as a clown, he as a dinosaur, and we stood looking a bit surprised at the photographer while holding hands.

My next "first boyfriend" was in 6th grade, and it was one of those typical early middle school relationships that lasted very briefly and consisted of virtually no contact at all. I believe it was one of those situations where his friend asked me if I wanted to go out with him, and despite my head saying, "Say no..." I still said yes, and thus began an awkward, maybe four month relationship. I felt too bad saying no to people. I thought it would be mean to reject the person. So despite whether or not I actually WANTED to be with that particular person, I usually ended up saying yes. Now there was nothing wrong with him. He was very nice and all that, I was just not particularly interested in him as anything more than a friend. I think we only spoke a few times, once was a conversation of me telling him not to tell anyone that we were going out (something even meaner than actually saying NO in the first place... I realize this now... Don't judge me, I was like 12 or something). I remember we gave each other Valentines Day presents, and I believe we ended up breaking up in either a note I wrote to him, or my friend telling him I didn't want to go out with him anymore.

The next "first boyfriend that was more like a boyfriend" happened shortly after my break up with the other boy. We had been friends throughout the 6th grade, and we had a mutual crush on each other. Neither one of us had really addressed it (I don't think) until after he heard about my break up with the other boy. That conversation went a little like this:

Him - "So you broke up with (otherboysname)?"
Me - "Uhm, yes..."
Him - "Yessss!" *runs away to the bus*

That made me extremely excited, and my little 12 year old mind almost exploded by the very cuteness of the situation. I then had actual proof he liked me too. So, a little while later this happened. Then maybe a few weeks later he asked me out, which happened almost like the above conversation...

Every year my middle school walked from the school to a park in the name of cancer research. It's called the "Terry Fox Walk."According to google maps, it's a little less than a 2 mile walk. That year was the first time I participated.  Once we had all made it to the park we began to run around in a frenzy finding our friends to sign our yearbooks (it was June). I was with my friend Sara at the time when my crush came running over...

Him - "Sam?"
Me - "Yes?"
Him - "Will you go out with me?"
Sara - "HAHAHAHAHA!"
Me - "SHUT UP SARA! ... Yes."
Him - "Okay!" *runs away*

And thus began my "first relationship that kind of counted." We would speak on a regular basis, we hung out all summer and had a great time! He even told me he loved me once over the phone... a conversation my father heard and was not too pleased about. But when 7th grade started things began to go downhill. He started hanging out with the "popular" kids, and since I was not in that particular crowd they convinced him to dump me... Via email... to which I responded with, "I NEVER LIKED YOU ANYWAY!"

And now, to the first boyfriend that I consider my actual first boyfriend (there were a few others between the two, but not serious enough to mention). I met him at the mall during the beginning of my Sophomore year. He saw me walking with a group of mutual friends and, according to him, I "looked like Christina Aguilera" so he had to meet me. We started out playfully making fun of each other and I quickly developed a crush (I told you I was a sucker for people who can make me laugh). The next day I discovered he emailed me and asked if I wanted to go to an arcade with our mutual friend. I was 15 at the time, he was 17... which meant... he like totally had a car! OH EM GEE! I neglected to tell this to my parents in fear they wouldn't let me go, so when he and my friend arrived to pick me up I ran out the door as fast I could, hoping my parents wouldn't notice me driving away.... in a red, 2 seater Geo Metro. A few days after our first little "date" he ended up asking me to be his girlfriend and I fell for him... hard. He would write me letters, give me flowers, he claims he even wrote me a song and he once put a note to me into our local newspaper. I was in love.

I began to rebel against my parents at this point, which only pushed me closer to him. I also ended up losing my virginity to him which might have played a part in me growing so attached. We had a great system going... he would call me every day, sometimes he would surprise me at school, and every weekend he would pick me up to go to the mall and drive around. I thought our relationship was perfect... until I got caught skipping school. Needless to say, my parents were not pleased and I was grounded for a month. I feel like this is when things started to go downhill for him and I. We started getting more distant. The phone calls would slow down, and the absolute turning point was my 16th birthday. He showed up at my school with his friend, gave me a stuffed animal... and drove away. I ended up spending a good chunk of that birthday bawling my eyes out to one of my best friends at the time on my front stoop. A few weeks later I went to his school (he went to the school in the town next to mine) for a battle of the bands with my friend knowing I'd see him there. He had been ignoring me for the most part, but I thought that maybe when I saw him he'd have a reasonable explanation. Eventually I tracked him down, and after a few different times of him avoiding me I finally got him to talk to me. Honestly, I can't remember what he said. I know I have this story written down somewhere, but I know whatever he said to me was devastating. We didn't officially break up, but I remember spending the rest of THAT night in tears with my best male friend.

After that I tried calling him, even my other best friend, Jackie, tried calling him, but he ignored me. Eventually we convinced her mom to drive us to where he worked. I saw his car and waited for him. He saw me and it almost looked like he panicked for a minute. I went up to him and said something along the lines of "I just want to say it in person... We're over." And he said something along the lines of, "Okay." And that was it. I spent the next ridiculous amount of months in a horrible, post break up, teenage angst filled depression... Which was made worse after I had found out that he had been cheating on me for a good chunk time (with some nasty slut, not exaggerating). Every so often he popped back into my life with promises of us getting back together, but at some point I saw through it and him... Though much later than I should have.

We've actually kept in contact over the years, and I've looked to him for musical guidance on quite a few occasions. Once I lost that whole, "he's my ex boyfriend" stigma about him (I lost this in my junior year of high school) we were able to have a nice little "friendship"... though it's more of an acquaintanceship now. I'm usually pretty good at that whole "forgive but don't forget" thing.

So there you have it blog people... a long winded answer to who my first boyfriend was. Until next time...

CampHELL High School

Day 19 - A picture of yourself and someone you don’t actually like.

Was this what the challenge meant? No, probably not. Have I ever met Sarah Palin? GOD no. But if I ever do... this is probably how it will go.... Mixed with a little bit of paint throwing for thinking it's okay to shoot wolves from helicopters.... and for shooting an elk on her reality show. If you people elect her as our next president I will destroy everything you love. Everything.

Day 20 - Talk about where you go/went to high school.

My high school experience is probably different from most people. The high school I went to was built directly across from my street, and it was built the year(ish) before I was supposed to start. I was not pleased.

I grew up in an extremely small town. My class consisted of maybe around 130 people, max. The town has no stop lights and one gas station. There was no such thing as "downtown," unless you count the 14 seconds it takes you to pass the elementary school, the old town hall, the fire department, and one of their 3(ish) churches. So, needless to say, everyone in our school system pretty much knew everyone else. And with a class that small, rumors and drama could spread like wildfire.

I was never part of the "popular" crowd. I lingered in the "middle class" social group... Not popular enough to fit in with the assholes, I mean, "preppies" as I called them, and not dorky enough to be good friends with the nerds. And this is not to say that I wasn't made fun of because I definitely experienced my fair share of bullies. Most of the teasing lasted from about 5th grade until maybe 7th or 8th grade for me.

Eighth grade was my social turning point. I gave up trying to win the friendship of the "preppies" and started to just focus on my own friends and my own social circle. Boys started to notice me, I started listening to more rock music, things were good... up until I discovered I would be going to high school in the same town. For almost forever my town would use the next town overs high school, but they had run out of room and kicked us out. That left the grade above me searching for a new school, and apparently pushed my town to build their own. I was devastated. I saw going to a different school as a way to start over, to meet new people instead of being around the same faces for four more years. I was even MORE upset when construction started across the street from my home. The grade above me ended up going into another towns, a much, much bigger towns, high school, but they, along with my grade, would be the first to enter into the new school when it was ready. Fantastic.

So my first year of high school there were only two grades, a freshman class and a sophomore class. That's it. I never had to experience the whole senior hazing thing because there WERE no seniors. The school was empty, but the nice thing about it was the bond that was formed between our two classes. Every year after that a new grade was added, so by the time I was a junior we had a full school.

Much like every teenager, I absolutely despised my high school and (almost) everyone in it. I tried very hard to be as anti school spirited as humanly possible. I skipped out of pep rallies, I refused to participate in spirit weeks, I even feared our mascot (a cougar) and ran from him if he came near me. I even went as far as refusing to date anyone from my particular town, which I stuck to for the most part. The only time I started developing a little bit of pride for my school was the very end of my senior year, and it was mostly because I was excited to be graduating.

Looking back on it, I realize that it really wasn't all that bad. I took a lot of fun classes there (mostly art, music and writing related), and they even allowed us to attend the vocational program at the high school we were SUPPOSED to be going to. I made a lot of good friends. I had a lot of good times, and now that I'm almost 25, I actually find myself missing it sometimes. Even though it was an insanely small school I feel like I actually benefited from it in the end. It potentially saved me from the chance of being bullied by the upper classmen. Instead, the bullying came to almost a complete stop (this may have had something to do with me becoming a goth child), with the exception of being called a lesbian through out my sophomore year (my friend and I would hold hands, this is what sparked the rumor. We would laugh it off and encourage it most of the time)... and I may have had a bit of a reputation for being "easy" during that time too which was completely untrue. I was just a flirtatious 16 year old, give me a break. But there was no point in time I was bullied to the point of wanting to kill myself. By the end of the 4 years almost everyone talked to everyone else in my grade, I even became somewhat friends with one of my major bullies from middle school. I feel like things like that may not have been possible had we gone to a bigger school.

High school was high school. Despite the size of it, it was almost the same experience as everyone else. I grew. I made mistakes. I hated it and couldn't wait to leave. Now, I'm a completely different person. I'd like to say that I would do it all again, but who would willingly place themselves back into the craziest part of their lives? What I can say is that I appreciate it more now than I ever could have then... I still think about all the good and bad times I had there... and I definitely miss it from time to time.

You complete me.

Day 18 - A picture of your best friend.

My ultimate best friend... My little sister Ali. I'm so lucky to have such a close relationship with her. Of course I do have a handful of besties as well...

And of course... my other half, Corey, who sometimes knows me better than I know myself...

To live, to die.

Day 17 - Discuss your greatest fear and your greatest dream.

When I'm old and gray I don't want to look back on my life and think, "I wish I had done this or that." I don't want to be on my death bed wondering what it would have been like to walk the streets of Paris or what particular shade of blue the water in Venice is. I want to lay there content with my life. I want to take my last breath here on earth knowing I attempted to accomplish every single little thing I've ever wanted to. My greatest dream is to live, and my greatest fear is to die without having done so.

I'm not content with just staying stagnant. I like there to be a good amount of excitement and unpredictability in my life. I'm one of those people who would drive with you to Mexico on a whim just because that's the particular random thing that we might have decided to do. Don't get me wrong though, I do like having some relaxing down time. I'm also the type of person who will sit there watching cartoons and play video games with you all day, but I do like to mix it up. I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish, a lot of things I want to see, and now with my fear of flying gone and out of the way my main goal is to travel. I want to experience new things and cultures. I want to completely immerse myself in a new language. I feel like if I don't get to experience something different, if I don't get to see Europe, Asia, America, or Australia for myself then my life has been wasted.

I've grown up in Southern New Hampshire. I have spent my entire life thus far traveling these same streets, looking at these same places. I know how to get from one place to another. I know New England. If I get lost I'm fairly confident I could find my way back to a highway I know with little problems. Well, I'm tired of that now. I want to feel lost. I want to feel scared. I want to be placed completely out of my element. Why? Because I need that change. I don't want to live my entire life comfortably. You have to experience at least some discomfort in order to know you've really lived.

Aside from traveling, I want to experience other things. Things like writing my own book (even if it's never published), selling my first painting, helping animals in need, and making a cd of music that is entirely my own. I want to jump from a plane. I want to land my first skateboard and snowboard tricks. I want to do it all.

And then... I want to settle down. I want a nice house with a big yard. I want to cry as I'm putting on my first engagement ring. I want to have a big fancy wedding with all my friends and family. I want to feel the excitement of my first pregnancy. I want to raise my children and introduce them to fun and exciting new things. I want to watch them grow. I want to sit through dance recitals, art shows, football games, gymnastics meets, concerts, plays or whatever my children pick to do. I want to laugh through the tears as karma pays me back for my teenage years. Then I want to retire. I want to sip wine on my porch with my husband and dogs... and I want to be happy. And finally, I want to die breathing a breath of accomplishment.

I will do all of these things. These are my dreams and I know with time I can make them all come true.