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Day 22 - A time you felt like ending your own life.

I've opened up quite a bit in this blog. Sometimes I freak myself out just by thinking about all the personal babble I've put on the internet... And how I've willingly admitted to any random or not-so-random passerby of this thing that I can be a tich psychotic at times, or all the time... You can pick whichever one you'd like, I don't mind. Some people have told me that it takes a lot of "courage" to do what I do, to open myself up to complete strangers, but to me it's not really a huge deal. The way I look at it, we're all flawed. Every... single... one of us.... Whether you choose to admit it or not. Deep down there's a different person inside us all, someone no one or very few get to see, and while I keep some aspects of my personal life hidden, I'm not afraid to expose most of my flaws to the general public.

That being said, this particular day of the challenge seems almost too personal. I could be vague or I could just flat out lie and tell you that I've never thought about ending my own life, but the whole point of this damn thing is to get to know me... the real me. So with the title of this entry being a disclaimer, I'll share with you the darkest of places my mind has gone.

I come from a line of "mental illnesses," so it's only fitting that I continue with the family tradition. I've said before my life has been a long battle with anxiety and depression, so if I were to tell you I haven't considered suicide at some point or another you'd probably think I was lying. I don't think I can quite recall the first time I felt like I wanted out, but I know that every so often that thought still finds itself clinging to the fibers in the back of my mind. My life is far from horrible, but I can easily get overwhelmed.  The realization of working, the real world and responsibility alone can bring a grown man to tears from time to time, and when you're feeling really overwhelmed, really stuck, ending it all can sometimes seem like the best way out.

But I think the time I was most seriously considering not existing anymore was probably in college. I've mentioned on here before that the relationship I was in before the one I'm in now was dysfunctional, but I feel like even that word couldn't do what it actually felt like justice. It's not that he was a bad person, because he wasn't, we were just two people that did not, I repeat, DID NOT belong in a relationship together. We were best friends before that, and that's all we should have remained.

He and I were together on and off for almost 6 years, and during that time I became this horrible monster of a person. Jealousy is one of those things that can turn even the most beautiful of people into the most ugly thing you have ever seen, and I was no exception. He would do little things to violate my trust and the jealousy would build... and it would build... and soon it overtook me and our entire relationship. Being with him became more of a possessive thing than something I actually wanted to do. I hated who I was, I hated the things I said, the way I felt, how much I depended on him... but I couldn't bring myself to leave. And when we both went off to college things got much, much worse.

He started a month before I did. His dorms were only a twenty minute drive from my house at the time, so I didn't think it was going to be that big of a change. But once he got there he started making friends, started fitting in, you know all the normal things you're supposed to do when you start college, and it made me furious. I started to feel like he'd rather be with all his NEW friends, around all those art school college sluts, instead of me, and it made me insane. The mega-fighting began there, and was made worse when I left for school, an hour away, a month later. My college experience was different from his. He made so many friends really quickly, and I made basically none (save for the two friends from high school that came with me and I was rooming with). So I became jealous of his experience. He was, after all, at the school I really wanted to go to, but ultimately decided against.

Things got worse from there, and a few months in he broke up with me. We tried to stay friends, but it killed me to see how okay with the break up he was and I wasn't. Eventually I decided to just get over it and I met someone new. Long story short, my ex found out, didn't like it, and we ended up back together a little more than three weeks later. Horrible idea.

From there the jealousy got worse. His friends didn't like me because I was too controlling. I acted like a crazy person almost every time I was at his dorms. He would even sneak out of his room to hang out with everyone while I was sleeping... which didn't help the whole jealousy thing when I found out that's what he was doing. At first, I would only come down on the weekends, but after a little while I started coming back during the week. In the middle of my college experience my best friend and I ended up moving into student apartments together. At first everything was great, but after a little while she started becoming more distant. We hung out less, she went home almost everyday to work at her job, and I felt incredibly alone. Like I said, I didn't make a whole lot of friends there, and the ones I did make tended to just keep to themselves, which meant if I wasn't in class, I was alone. And I did not do well with being alone. That was around the time when I started going to see him during the week too. Every time we met it felt like he was only doing it because I wanted it, not because he missed me too... and that started eating away at me. Then soon it turned into us just seeing each other once during the week and on the weekends.

So there I was. Stuck at school, not even a real school, a fake, wannabe of a school, studying something I was quickly losing interest in, barely made any real friends, my best friend, the person I thought I could count on for anything, slowly starting to hate me, and my own boyfriend not wanting to spend time with me. I had never felt more alone in my entire life. All I could think about was how I drove everyone away... How I must not have any sort of personality because no one tries to hang out with me. I quickly came to the conclusion that I was a horrible person that no one wanted to be around. I felt like I would have been better off dead. No one would care that I was gone. I was obviously just a burden to everyone else... Too crazy to be a girlfriend, too needy to be a best friend, too shy to make new friends, my parents would have one less child to pay for. Everyone would have been better off without me. I tried to do things to distract me from my own thoughts. I spent countless hours staring at the computer screen playing The Sims. I even got so lonely that I would just sit at the tech center and hope someone would come talk to me, or that maybe, just maybe I could make a good friend.

Things didn't improve with my best friend and I, and it almost got to the point where we barely spoke. I still felt psychotic with my boyfriend and the distance made it worse. So I started trying to plan out how I would end it. Would I just drift off the highway while on my way to meet my boyfriend? Would I just take a handful of pills? Or would I go the typical girl way by slitting my wrists in the bathtub? I thought about the note I would write to everyone. I wondered how many people would be at my funeral. I wondered if anyone would care. I wondered if I was even significant enough for anyone to notice that I wasn't around. Then, when the thoughts of everything became too much, I would sometimes try to just drift off the road. Close my eyes and let go... But something always held me back. Something always made me open my eyes. I didn't want to live, but I was much too afraid to die.

After a little while, I decided I needed to do something. It wasn't healthy to constantly want to die, so I ended up breaking down to my mom about a month before college was over. I told her everything that was happening with my best friend, with my lack of friends, with my boyfriend, and I admitted to her that, "If I have to stay here by myself any longer I'm going to kill myself." With that, she allowed me to move home, and I commuted for the rest of my time there.

Things did end up getting better with my best friend. We had a few heart to hearts and ultimately decided that we had communication issues... and that it was probably best we didn't live together. And while I may have thought everything was easier with my boyfriend after I moved home... it didn't really help anything. We continued to be dysfunctional, and after we moved in together I think we got to our peak. The feeling of being a monster never went away, it only got worse, and I can recall a few different times where I had locked myself in our bathroom and just stared at the blade of a knife... Wishing for the strength to just do it. To just end it. I just couldn't take feeling that way anymore. But I never did get that "strength," or give in to that weakness, and eventually he and I broke up, for good... and I felt like a sane person again.

In my most contemplative states I try to think of everything I would have missed out on had I succeeded in my attempts. I think about how much it would have devastated my family, and how selfish of me it was to even think about ending it all. Of course I still think about it from time to time, but since those above times I have never been that serious about it. I've since decided that I can't miss out on what life has in store for me. No matter how stuck you feel, how completely miserable you are, you are GOING to be okay at some point. You are GOING to experience that insane happiness again. You're going to FEEL something at some point. You never know what's going to happen and there could be something amazing waiting for you just around the corner. Your life is never over unless YOU make it that way.

Struggles come with being an adult... or a human. You have to feel like you've hit rock bottom to really appreciate the times where you feel like you're on top of the world. We have the ability to persevere through anything. Break ups, death, jobs, college, relationships, sickness. We have the ability to come through it all, you just have to know that you wont always feel that way. As much as it may feel like it at the time, that feeling wont last forever. You will laugh again, you will cry again, you will be in that pit of self pity again, but that's how it goes. This life is just a cycle of tests and shit and happiness. It's just one big crazy ass roller coaster, and once you realize that it helps you get through the day.

You may be sitting in a blue cubicle right now... slaving away, writing emails, answering phones, feeling like a robot... but you always get a break. You may be mourning the loss of a break up, feeling like there is no way you'll ever love again.... but you will. You may feel like you've lost control of your life... but it won't ALWAYS be like that... if you don't LET IT. We have to take responsibility for our own lives. We have the power to make OURSELVES happy. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen. And knowing this is what helps me get through the day. Knowing that I have so much more to see and experience helps me to push out the darkness that overcomes every one of us from time to time. And I know it seems cliche and over used, but this phrase has always held true and is one of my favorites...

"After all, tomorrow is another day."