The older I get the more bitter towards society I become. It's getting to the point where I'm not even surprised by the things people do or say. Not too long ago I would have been appalled by the actions of so many of the people in my life, but not anymore. The only way to survive the disappointment is to learn to never expect anything from anyone. People are selfish. They are too lost inside themselves to even begin to think about the emotions of others. Every so often you find one of those selfless people, but they are a dying breed. They too are being corrupted by the heartlessness of society and will soon shrink back into their own bodies and protect what they know can't hurt them. Remember the phrase, "treat others as you wish to be treated?" No? Oh, yes, that would explain a lot... This phrase needs to be studied and repeated over and over and over again by a big handful of the people out there. That is how I had decided to live, but now, after so many times of having my heart snapped in half by the people I have gone out of my way for, I'm starting to pick and choose who deserves that kind of treatment. I've been fooled by a great number of people into thinking that their feelings are genuine... that they would do anything for me. But when that time comes, where are they? They are doing whatever best suits their own needs and I am nowhere to be found.
When Corey and I first got together I was taken back by how bitter he was towards other people, but now I completely understand. He would say something negative about someone he was weary about and 9 times out of 10 he was dead on. I used to think I was an excellent judge of character, but now I see how flawed that kind of thinking was. And as pessimistic as I found Corey's views on people, it unfortunately proves true most of the time.
It's sad when you think about it. The good ones are so few and far between, so how do you know who you can trust? It's terrifying. I'm so tired of giving my all to people who could give less than a fuck about me, but how am I supposed to know who's going to appreciate the things I do? I'm so concerned about what people think about me. I hate to be known as a bitch, so most of the time I try to prove to people that I'm not, but why do I care? I try to help people out, I try to show people that they are cared about, and in return I get excuses. I get ignored. I rarely get the respect back that I give out and it's exhausting.
I'm in the process of reprogramming my brain. Instead of feeling bad about something I have done (or not done), I think about what that particular person has done to me and I try not to care. I find it extremely sad that apathy has become my ultimate social goal. It's depressing to think that my usual "thinking the best of everyone" attitude is turning into being overly skeptical and pessimistic towards every new (and old) person I meet. Is this necessarily the right path to take? I think I need to find some sort of middle ground before I build up a huge shell again and become this bitter mess of a person. I'm just so tired of being disappointed... So, so tired of rude, selfish assholes....and I just wish this world wasn't as disgusting as I hoped it wouldn't be.
29 April, 2010
20 April, 2010
U-Turn
I had originally started this blog as an outlet for creative thought. It was supposed to be a place for well thought out, nicely written entries and not so much for bitching or telling you about my day. Unfortunately, since I'm trying NOT to bitch, I never blog... and I feel like not writing at all is probably not a good thing for me. I already feel like my brain is on vacation... like I'm on auto pilot... so I'm going to slightly alter the direction of this blog. Back to bitching and daily updates we go, my friends :)
Alright, so with the above paragraph being somewhat of a disclaimer, I shall begin...
After reading my past blogs I toyed with the idea of going back to livejournal. It was actually really interesting being able to go back and see what was I doing or thinking about years ago. Even though most of my entries made me look completely stupid and naive, it was still fun to read. So I started thinking about THIS blog... when you go back and read some of these if only gives you a vague idea of where I was or what I was thinking about. My future self wouldn't really be reminded of where EXACTLY my head was at. I'm still weary about publicly displaying my thoughts. Livejournal has a lot of privacy settings, and I really don't think blogger has any. Not only that, but who the hell cares what the fuck I'm thinking? Who actually REALLY reads this? And why do I feel the need to blast my emo-ness over the internet? The answer, I have no idea. It actually makes me feel like kind of an attention whore... which isn't my intention at all. I know that next to no one reads this, ESPECIALLY if the entry is long (which this one will be)... but for those of you who do I want you to be able to get me and hopefully understand what goes on inside my head. Does that even make sense? Doesn't that make me MORE of an attention whore? Probably... but whatever.
I just recently celebrated my 24th birthday and I think that has sent my head into an almost-quarter-of-my-life-crisis. This growing old thing is scary. Birthday's are starting to become more of a burden than something I look forward to every year. After I hit 25 I really don't have anything else to look forward to. Next year I'll be able to rent a car and my insurance will go down.... Wow. I'll be a full blown adult. TERRIFYING! My whole life has been this big rush to grow up, but now I find myself wishing that it was somehow possible to go backwards... or stay stagnant. Lucky for me, I can still fool people into thinking I'm 16, but not my head... my head knows.... and my head thinks I'm stupid and old.
I feel like I passed up so many opportunities in order to push myself faster into adulthood. Instead of attending a "normal" college I chose the fast track. Senior year of high school hit and I decided school just wasn't for me. The laziness started to set in, but my art teachers convinced me to at least do SOMETHING. All the years prior I was SO SET on going to REAL college... attending the four years and emerging with a bachelors.... but no. Instead I found McIntosh College, a little gem of a non-existent school that was in Dover (Yes that's right kids, my fake little school doesn't even exist anymore). It was fast, I didn't have to take math, my best friend could come with me, and I'd be done and working in no time. THEN it seemed like a fantastic idea, but NOW I want to go back in time and punch me in the face. I look at where my sister is now (at PSU) and I would KILL to be able to go back and choose a similar path. When I was up for her birthday in October and went to the parties it made me sad that I essentially passed all that up so my ass could sit in a cubicle. Good decision, Sam... good job. In my freshmen and sophomore year I was set on going to school in Boston... in junior year I was all geared up to go to NHIA in Manchester... but somehow I ended up in Dover, New Hampshire, going to a "fake" wannabe of a college... and got my associates in 15 months. I often wonder how different things would have been had I chose to actually (wo)man up and go to real college. I probably would have had a great time. I probably would have actually made friends in REAL college instead of the 10 people that I somewhat talked to but now don't exist to (with at least one exception) at McIntosh. But I digress, the past is the past and there is really nothing I can do to change it now... It just frustrates me seeing how much I get in my own way.
I've come a long way since high school and college. I am so completely different from who I was. Some of that is good, and some of it is bad. I'm so much more open minded to things. I'm WAY more social and not as ruled by my fears. But I am such a lazy piece of shit. Once I was in a "real" job I gained 15 pounds. Even though I lost it (though NOT in a healthy way at first), it has taken me until this year to really get my shit together and realize I need to be more active. Not only have I become physically lazy, I've become mentally lazy too. I feel like a LOT of this has to do with my ongoing battle with anxiety and depression. I get into moods where I just don't want to function... where I really want to turn of my head and sit by myself. Sometimes I get into such a hermit mode, answering a text message becomes overwhelming. Most days I just force myself. I force myself to talk to people, to hang out, to be normal. It's not even that I don't like the people I'm talking to, it's just that I don't want to do ANYTHING. I used to write all the time. I'd play guitar every single day... and years ago I actually had a sketch book that I drew in every day! Now I just sit and think about doing it. I complain to myself about how lazy I'm being, but then I continue to do nothing. The only reason I still continue to write occasionally is because of my band... thank god for that... but I used to do things just for me. I used to write poetry, songs, short stories, and I had even started working on a play. Now... it's nothing. It's simply ideas that stay locked in my head that maybe someday I'll write down on paper. I've had a book idea sitting on my brain for YEARS now. I've mentally written the first few sentences hundreds and hundreds of times. I've changed the plot, thought about the research I'll have to do to make it accurate, but still... years and YEARS later... it sits as simply an idea.
I need to change. I don't want to keep repeating the same cycle of me regretting all the things I DIDN'T do. I need to stop making excuses and just do something, ANYTHING, that I used to really enjoy doing. I don't want to be in my 30's and think about all the time I've wasted in my 20's. I don't want to have another entry 10 years from now still bitching about the same things. Ugh... I will... and I think working through my depression will help get the ball rolling.
Alright, so with the above paragraph being somewhat of a disclaimer, I shall begin...
After reading my past blogs I toyed with the idea of going back to livejournal. It was actually really interesting being able to go back and see what was I doing or thinking about years ago. Even though most of my entries made me look completely stupid and naive, it was still fun to read. So I started thinking about THIS blog... when you go back and read some of these if only gives you a vague idea of where I was or what I was thinking about. My future self wouldn't really be reminded of where EXACTLY my head was at. I'm still weary about publicly displaying my thoughts. Livejournal has a lot of privacy settings, and I really don't think blogger has any. Not only that, but who the hell cares what the fuck I'm thinking? Who actually REALLY reads this? And why do I feel the need to blast my emo-ness over the internet? The answer, I have no idea. It actually makes me feel like kind of an attention whore... which isn't my intention at all. I know that next to no one reads this, ESPECIALLY if the entry is long (which this one will be)... but for those of you who do I want you to be able to get me and hopefully understand what goes on inside my head. Does that even make sense? Doesn't that make me MORE of an attention whore? Probably... but whatever.
I just recently celebrated my 24th birthday and I think that has sent my head into an almost-quarter-of-my-life-crisis. This growing old thing is scary. Birthday's are starting to become more of a burden than something I look forward to every year. After I hit 25 I really don't have anything else to look forward to. Next year I'll be able to rent a car and my insurance will go down.... Wow. I'll be a full blown adult. TERRIFYING! My whole life has been this big rush to grow up, but now I find myself wishing that it was somehow possible to go backwards... or stay stagnant. Lucky for me, I can still fool people into thinking I'm 16, but not my head... my head knows.... and my head thinks I'm stupid and old.
I feel like I passed up so many opportunities in order to push myself faster into adulthood. Instead of attending a "normal" college I chose the fast track. Senior year of high school hit and I decided school just wasn't for me. The laziness started to set in, but my art teachers convinced me to at least do SOMETHING. All the years prior I was SO SET on going to REAL college... attending the four years and emerging with a bachelors.... but no. Instead I found McIntosh College, a little gem of a non-existent school that was in Dover (Yes that's right kids, my fake little school doesn't even exist anymore). It was fast, I didn't have to take math, my best friend could come with me, and I'd be done and working in no time. THEN it seemed like a fantastic idea, but NOW I want to go back in time and punch me in the face. I look at where my sister is now (at PSU) and I would KILL to be able to go back and choose a similar path. When I was up for her birthday in October and went to the parties it made me sad that I essentially passed all that up so my ass could sit in a cubicle. Good decision, Sam... good job. In my freshmen and sophomore year I was set on going to school in Boston... in junior year I was all geared up to go to NHIA in Manchester... but somehow I ended up in Dover, New Hampshire, going to a "fake" wannabe of a college... and got my associates in 15 months. I often wonder how different things would have been had I chose to actually (wo)man up and go to real college. I probably would have had a great time. I probably would have actually made friends in REAL college instead of the 10 people that I somewhat talked to but now don't exist to (with at least one exception) at McIntosh. But I digress, the past is the past and there is really nothing I can do to change it now... It just frustrates me seeing how much I get in my own way.
I've come a long way since high school and college. I am so completely different from who I was. Some of that is good, and some of it is bad. I'm so much more open minded to things. I'm WAY more social and not as ruled by my fears. But I am such a lazy piece of shit. Once I was in a "real" job I gained 15 pounds. Even though I lost it (though NOT in a healthy way at first), it has taken me until this year to really get my shit together and realize I need to be more active. Not only have I become physically lazy, I've become mentally lazy too. I feel like a LOT of this has to do with my ongoing battle with anxiety and depression. I get into moods where I just don't want to function... where I really want to turn of my head and sit by myself. Sometimes I get into such a hermit mode, answering a text message becomes overwhelming. Most days I just force myself. I force myself to talk to people, to hang out, to be normal. It's not even that I don't like the people I'm talking to, it's just that I don't want to do ANYTHING. I used to write all the time. I'd play guitar every single day... and years ago I actually had a sketch book that I drew in every day! Now I just sit and think about doing it. I complain to myself about how lazy I'm being, but then I continue to do nothing. The only reason I still continue to write occasionally is because of my band... thank god for that... but I used to do things just for me. I used to write poetry, songs, short stories, and I had even started working on a play. Now... it's nothing. It's simply ideas that stay locked in my head that maybe someday I'll write down on paper. I've had a book idea sitting on my brain for YEARS now. I've mentally written the first few sentences hundreds and hundreds of times. I've changed the plot, thought about the research I'll have to do to make it accurate, but still... years and YEARS later... it sits as simply an idea.
I need to change. I don't want to keep repeating the same cycle of me regretting all the things I DIDN'T do. I need to stop making excuses and just do something, ANYTHING, that I used to really enjoy doing. I don't want to be in my 30's and think about all the time I've wasted in my 20's. I don't want to have another entry 10 years from now still bitching about the same things. Ugh... I will... and I think working through my depression will help get the ball rolling.
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