Drown.

Drowning. Drowning in debt, in schoolwork, in emotions. I've just been drowning. The optimism from my last post still floats around in my head; bringing me much needed strength in my time of need. And while I am happier with this new path, I still struggle with the day to day.

I've thought about posting here; especially those nights when I have stressed myself out to the point of just barely suppressing the urge to rip off my own skin. I've gone back and read past entries in an attempt to work up the motivation to create a post, but this has only caused me to question this entire thing all together. Blogging... who does that? Why have I created this public place to expose my fragile emotions? It's almost embarrassing (no, it IS embarrassing).

Yet here I am again, exposing my unstable mind. Admitting to complete strangers, friends, acquaintances, enemies and any random passersby that I'm strange; like my life and thoughts actually matter to anyone other than myself. I confidently boast about goals I have never accomplished, trips I will never take, and for what? To embarrass myself in public? To disappoint my future self? So badly I want to say to you the only reason I write in this is to keep my mind fresh and to practice for the book I dream about writing... But am I lying to you? Intentionally or unintentionally?

School has been both a blessing and a curse. It's still hard to believe I've actually (semi)accomplished a goal I had set for myself since this blog is proof of how many things I let slip into obscurity, but I still question what the fuck I'm doing to myself.

In my 13 weeks of school I've completed two classes, and in two and a half weeks I will be done with two more. Everyone should be required to take at least one social work and (more) psychology class(es). They have been simultaneously eye opening and depressing. I've learned a lot about the world, and people, and depression, and families, and hormones, and all that happy (and not so happy) shit.... and it's made me a bit angry and disheartened with the world and the future.

Most of my school work has been self-reflective and I've discovered a lot of things about myself and my life I have never really let myself accept; one of those things being I am much too open about myself and my feelings... and this usually gets me into trouble. This realization was another reason I chose to look at past entries. It's nice to see what I was thinking. It's nice to see the progression of my writing and mind... but why have I done this in public? I am one of the only people I know who so willingly puts themselves out there for all the world to see, so maybe I should just stop. Maybe I should practice keeping these things to myself.

I want to say this will be my last post, but I've never been good at keeping my word, so I wont lie to you. All I can do is apologize to everyone for my terrible public displays of emotions... and apologize to myself for appearing so... naive... or terrible... or some other adjective I can't articulate.

Reset.

Once you start yourself on a certain path, it can be hard to deviate from that direction. You trudge along day after day, repeating the cycle, doing what you need to do because that's what you've always done. That's exactly what I had been doing since February of 2006. I was fresh out of college, took the next adult step and started on what I thought was going to be my career. I had my associates degree in graphic design, and even though I had decided very early on in school that graphic design was NOT for me, I landed myself a sweet little office job designing advertisements for a newspaper. I took this job because after 2 months of receiving rejection letters I had become very desperate to get the hell out of Sam's Club. So with the offer of a full time position, with benefits, a cubicle, a phone and even business cards (!), I officially became an adult.

The Telegraph was an amazing first job. I made a handful of great friends, some of whom I'm still in contact with, and they put up with my complete lack of punctuality and constant internet usage. But once the lay-offs started my love of the job took a dramatic turn. So I did what every normal adult does, I started applying to other full time graphic design jobs.

Just about four years and thousands of resumes later (I'm probably not exaggerating with that figure), I finally, finally was offered a new job. In November of 2011 I started at what I thought would be my new career path, working in a prepress department at a label printing company. I was so sure this would be a long term thing, but instead of being excited about the position after the first week like I was at The Telegraph, I felt so completely overwhelmed and out of place. It took so much longer to grasp what was expected of me and the atmosphere was completely different. And like I said in my previous post, I quickly decided that job was not for me.

So I did what any normal adult would do (?), I sulked. I fell into the biggest depression of my adult life. I gave serious consideration into running my car off the road, jumping off a bridge, running away, becoming a gypsy, living in a log cabin in the woods, and other various self-destructive, self loathing, unrealistic things. Until one day I thought to myself, Why do I need to keep going on the path I'm on? I decided the only way to change the direction of my sad little life, was to actually change my life.

Obviously, I am in need of a serious career change. The only way to really do that is to go back to school. I tried going back 3 times, only being successful ONCE in 2007 and quickly giving up after the first semester. I religiously stalked the Rivier website. I printed out information, looked at every program that remotely interested me, and after maybe a month of doing this, I came up with a plan. I was going to quit my job and go back to school full time. The only real reason (aside from the money aspect) I've been keeping a full time job is to have health insurance, and when I saw that you could get insurance through the school as long as you went full time, this opened up a new world of possibilities to me.

I played around with the idea for a little while. I brought it up to friends and family, and after getting some support, I decided to contact the school. I set up an appointment, chose a major that I hadn't even thought of as a possibility (I wanted to be an education major, now I'm a psychology major), and waited. All the initial things happened in April, and since then I've been carefully constructing my new life.

I was offered a part-time position at a wedding DJ company as an office assistant, secured my spot back at a part-time job I work on and off at, and up until this point none of this has felt real. Now that I have my books, student ID, folders, pens, highlighters, all the normal school things, it's starting to set in. I did it. I really made it happen. I'm starting my new life.

Tomorrow will complete my first week of a part-time work schedule. Monday is my official first day of school. Am I scared? Yes, absolutely. I've read what's expected of me for these upcoming classes and I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't already feeling overwhelmed. But even with the impending stress of school and the gigantic pay cut, I can honestly tell you that in this very moment I am the happiest I have been in a very, very long time.

The Depression Monster

Like an unwanted friend, it lingers. It clings to every inch of your body, weighing you down like a lead blanket until you're nothing but a pile of useless. You wait for it to leave, but it constantly overstays its welcome and you start to wonder if it will ever leave you alone. So the only thing left is to fight it off, to wage a battle of the mind until finally the horrible weight is lifted. Though you know, deep down, that it will return soon enough.

So if you've been wondering where I've been, or why I've been so distant, or why I seem so... apathetic, it's because I've been here, shrouded in my veil of lead, feeling guilty and frustrated that I've been trapped beneath the weight for so long, and for seemingly no reason.

After my last post, I had quickly come to the conclusion that this new job is pretty terrible. And with that realization the depression really seemed to start settling in. Then, when going back to school was not a plausible possibility, things started spiraling from there.

I felt guilty and stupid for falling in as deep as I did. The depression became so bad that the sheer thought of being in public gave me panic attacks. My daily routine consisted of going to work, coming home, sitting on my couch with my dog, and watching TV until it was time to go to sleep. I drifted from a good majority of my friends, skipped out on parties and group outings, and the one time I tried to drag myself out of the house to go ice skating with a group of my boyfriend's acquaintances I had such huge a meltdown we immediately left and I spent the entire ride home crying uncontrollably.

That instance only added to the frustration of feeling so out of control of my own emotions, and since December I have tried very, very hard to get back into a position of power. I'm significantly more social than I was, and the panic attacks have been subdued, but I can still feel the weight of the monster pressing down upon me.

So what the hell is my problem? I've been asking myself this the entire time, and any real answer I come up with just sounds too selfish or self loathing. I hate, HATE this job. Yes, but most people hate their jobs, some don't have any at all, and didn't I desperately want to get out of The TG? I'm so incredibly broke. But, again, some people literally have no money at all, and the fact that I am in the position I am is no ones fault but my own. I'm 26 and not even remotely close to accomplishing anything I thought I would have by this age. Which, yet again, is no ones fault but my own. Life is meaningless, there is no greater purpose, and we are forced to live lives we hate because society tells us so. Well now that's a little dramatic, and there's really nothing I can do about that other than just dealing with it...

But even though I know I'm being dramatic and self loathing, and that I can't stand to be around myself when I get like this, and all I want to do is to just shut the hell up and get over it.... I'm having a really hard time shaking this state of mind. I have a lot of good things in my life, and despite the negativity that consumes me, I'm still able to see and appreciate that. I'm just sick of always ending up in this same dark place, weighted down by the same blanket of lead, and always having to fight to get myself to be a normal, productive member of society. I want to badly to just BE that person, I just want my life to be easy... But nothing ever is. So the fight will inevitably be continued... possibly forever... and I just need to get used to that before I completely lose myself.