Like an apple.

The older I get the more bitter towards society I become. It's getting to the point where I'm not even surprised by the things people do or say. Not too long ago I would have been appalled by the actions of so many of the people in my life, but not anymore. The only way to survive the disappointment is to learn to never expect anything from anyone. People are selfish. They are too lost inside themselves to even begin to think about the emotions of others. Every so often you find one of those selfless people, but they are a dying breed. They too are being corrupted by the heartlessness of society and will soon shrink back into their own bodies and protect what they know can't hurt them. Remember the phrase, "treat others as you wish to be treated?" No? Oh, yes, that would explain a lot... This phrase needs to be studied and repeated over and over and over again by a big handful of the people out there. That is how I had decided to live, but now, after so many times of having my heart snapped in half by the people I have gone out of my way for, I'm starting to pick and choose who deserves that kind of treatment. I've been fooled by a great number of people into thinking that their feelings are genuine... that they would do anything for me. But when that time comes, where are they? They are doing whatever best suits their own needs and I am nowhere to be found.

When Corey and I first got together I was taken back by how bitter he was towards other people, but now I completely understand. He would say something negative about someone he was weary about and 9 times out of 10 he was dead on. I used to think I was an excellent judge of character, but now I see how flawed that kind of thinking was. And as pessimistic as I found Corey's views on people, it unfortunately proves true most of the time.

It's sad when you think about it. The good ones are so few and far between, so how do you know who you can trust? It's terrifying. I'm so tired of giving my all to people who could give less than a fuck about me, but how am I supposed to know who's going to appreciate the things I do? I'm so concerned about what people think about me. I hate to be known as a bitch, so most of the time I try to prove to people that I'm not, but why do I care? I try to help people out, I try to show people that they are cared about, and in return I get excuses. I get ignored. I rarely get the respect back that I give out and it's exhausting.

I'm in the process of reprogramming my brain. Instead of feeling bad about something I have done (or not done), I think about what that particular person has done to me and I try not to care. I find it extremely sad that apathy has become my ultimate social goal. It's depressing to think that my usual "thinking the best of everyone" attitude is turning into being overly skeptical and pessimistic towards every new (and old) person I meet. Is this necessarily the right path to take? I think I need to find some sort of middle ground before I build up a huge shell again and become this bitter mess of a person. I'm just so tired of being disappointed... So, so tired of rude, selfish assholes....and I just wish this world wasn't as disgusting as I hoped it wouldn't be.