The Agnostic Struggle with Religion

I don't believe in God, and I'm not sure I ever really did. When I was younger I would pray. My prayers were for silly things like, "Hey God, if you're real can you help me find this thing I'm looking for?"

I never took religion seriously, and neither did my parents. I knew they had both grown up religious. My mom and aunt attended Catholic school, and the only stories I remember hearing were about the terrible things the nuns said and did (like telling my 7 year old aunt that she was going to hell). But we never really discussed religion and or talked about God.

When I started making friends, I noticed many of them would go to church. This seemed like a fun thing to do, and I wondered why we never went. I asked my mom about church and God, and her response was one of encouragement. She wanted me to discover my own religious identity. She told me to go to church with my friends, and gave me a bible to look through. I did end up going to church several times, both Catholic and various Christian denominations, but mostly I was just... bored.

Once I knew what "atheist" meant I decided I was one of those. I couldn't ever quite grasp the concept of God; some strange dude sitting in the sky controlling, and listening to, everyone and everything. The older I got, the more passionate I became with my atheism. Religion seemed horrifying to me. How can people believe these stories? How can they deny scientific evidence? I saw the negatives - the hatred and the wars. I couldn't get behind something that has killed so many people over such a long period of time.

I did try, very briefly, in high school to become Wiccan. This was short lived. I never really believed in spells and all of that. It was just fun, and I liked the idea of worshiping the earth. And perhaps a little part of calling myself Wiccan was for shock value. I was a goth-child after all. 

Long after high school (and college part 1), I started dabbling in some sort of spirituality. My aunt was interested Buddhism, so I decided to look into it. I loved everything I read. It seemed more of a way to deal with depression rather than a religion. However, the reading was dry, and I never fully committed myself to it. I decided to downgrade my atheist title to agnostic. I wanted to be more spiritual, and being spiritual did not mean I needed to believe in a Christian God.

About two years ago now I started college part 3. My university is a Catholic one, and this scared me a bit. It was required of me to take 2, TWO, religion classes. This seemed pretty terrible. I had this image of a nun, habit and all, standing at the front of the class with a ruler yelling at me for being a horrible, sinner, non-believer. I imagined the battles I would get in to with all the other religious people in my class. I dreaded my religion classes.

As a way to avoid any potentially heated Catholic/Agnostic debates, I tried to take the most liberal sounding religion classes. Someone in one of my psychology classes had recommended taking Death and Dying - as it is helpful for people learning the therapist/social worker trade - so I decided to take it.

As the time to start drew closer I found myself getting excited. I felt ready to learn. My mind started opening to the idea of it because of all the psychology and social work classes I had taken. Religion plays such a great role in many peoples lives, and can be a great coping mechanism. I decided in order for me to be a good therapist/social worker, I needed to learn all I could about religion so I can effectively help people with a variety of religious backgrounds.

Unfortunately, my teacher in Death and Dying was pretty awful. The class was 100% online, and she was not an active teacher. I'm almost positive she set up the course and never looked at it again. We were required to read passages in the Old Testament and then talk about them in a journal. I found this extremely difficult because I was not familiar with the language nor the stories. I would reach out to her to clarify things (many of my journal entries started with, "I did not understand the passage but..."), but she never answered. This was very frustrating because I really wanted to learn something.

My second religion class was absolutely amazing. It was called "Faith, Religion, Theology" which made me nervous at first. I figured this would be the aforementioned nun scenario for sure. But on the first day, I walked into a class with this wonderful older gentlemen who exuded an almost ex-hippie-like demeanor. He was not preachy, in fact we never cracked open a bible. The book we read was called The Power of Myth which is a transcript of a PBS special Joseph Campbell did with Bill Moyers. It covers all religions, how they started, and even likens the various stories between them. The book is cheap, and I highly recommend reading it - religious and non-religious people alike!

I had (have) nothing but admiration for my teacher. He is brilliant, and well traveled. He never told us exactly what he believed, but he did such a fantastic job explaining all the different religions to us. Any question we had, he knew the answer and had a story to share. This is what I was looking for in a religion class.

So last spring, I needed to pick my final classes. After finding my required classes, I had one elective left. I scanned the schedule for interesting classes (read: easy classes). I needed something that wouldn't be too much work, but would still hold my interest. The pickings were slim, but I was happy to find World Religions on the list (with the very same teacher as Faith, Religion, Theology). Now, had this been 10 years ago, I would have cringed at the idea of taking a religion class, never mind an extra religion class. But this is what I picked. And this is the class I'm currently in, and it is fascinating!

I've learned a great deal in just 8 weeks. We studied: Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, and two small units on Daoism and Confucianism. Many of the religions just flow together. Judaism lead to Christianity, Christianity lead to Islam (believe it or not!), and Hinduism lead to Buddhism. Hinduism is insanely confusing, but interesting. Islam is actually a lot like Judaism and Christianity (it's the extremists that give it a bad name much like any other religion).  Buddhism has a billion different sects, does not believe in a God, and pulls a bit from Daoism and Confucianism depending on the region. And, unfortunately, not one of them put women in high regard (even though women play a large role in most of them) - not even my beloved Buddhism.

As you can gather from my opening line, I have not necessarily been swayed, even with all my newly acquired knowledge. However, my thirst for learning religion grows. Instead of looking at religion in a negative way, I'm seeing it in a much more positive light. I see the good it does for so many people. The hatred and the wars are a horrible and unfortunate side effect, but I can finally see and understand why people believe the things they believe. I've even become envious of those who do. I would love to believe, but I can't. It's just not written in my DNA. All I can do is learn, and that is more than enough for me. The fact I'm even wanting to learn is a feat in and of itself.

Another "side effect" of all this knowledge is I've found myself getting angry with Atheists. I've always mostly sided with them, as my beliefs are closer to theirs than they are to religious individuals. However, I've seen atheists be downright mean to people. They berate religious people for believing in what they believe. I can understand this to a point, particularly when a religious person is being pushy, hateful, or ignorant. But in most other scenarios I think it's counterproductive, and frankly hypocritical, for an atheist to make people feel bad for believing what they believe. Yes, some of the stories are completely ridiculous, but if believing those stories isn't hurting anyone then what's the harm? There's no reason to make anyone, regardless of religion, feel bad for believing, and there is also no reason for anyone to push their own personal views on anyone else.

So through all this spiritual discovery, I've created my own ideas. "God" (to me) is the universe... which I suppose makes science my Jesus. I do not believe there is some physical being who decides my fate and the fate of the world. The universe creates us, it kills us, and while some sort of afterlife sounds lovely, I don't believe there is anything after we die. Our energy leaves our body and becomes part of the universe again. I do sometimes "pray" which means I try to send out messages of positivity in hopes good things will happen, but I'm not positive there is any point to doing so other than making myself feel better.

We all want to know why we're here. We want to think we are here for a reason, that our lives have a purpose. Death is terrifying, and we struggle to find a meaning for it, and what lies beyond. Is the Christian God the actual God? Is Islam the right religion? Or is there really nothing and Atheists are the ones on the right track? The fact of the matter is we will never know who is right and who is wrong. There will never be anything definitive telling us what to believe.

If this is the only chance we get, if there is no God and no afterlife, then what we do now is of the utmost importance. Do what makes you happy, but not at the expense of others. Believe in whatever you want to believe in, but never judge another for what they believe. Promote peace and love, and work to extinguish hate. All these things, more so than religion, are the most important practice.

“When you find yourself in one of those mystical/devotional frames of mind or in an emergency and you feel you want to pray, then pray. Don’t ever be ashamed to pray or feel prevented by thinking yourself unworthy in any way. Fact is whatever terrible thing you may have done, praying will always turn your energy around for the better.
Pray to whomever, whatever, and whenever you choose. Pray to the mountain, pray to the ancestors, pray to the Earth, pray to the Tao (but it won’t listen!), pray to the Great Mother, pray to Jehovah, Allah, Buddha, Jesus, Lakshmi, Siva, pray to the Great Spirit, it makes no difference. Praying is merely a device for realigning the mind, energy, and passion of your local self with the mind, energy and passion of your universal self. When you pray, you are praying to the god or goddess within you. This has an effect on your energy field, which in turn translates into a positive charge that makes something good happen.”

― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior

To live, to die.

Day 17 - Discuss your greatest fear and your greatest dream.

When I'm old and gray I don't want to look back on my life and think, "I wish I had done this or that." I don't want to be on my death bed wondering what it would have been like to walk the streets of Paris or what particular shade of blue the water in Venice is. I want to lay there content with my life. I want to take my last breath here on earth knowing I attempted to accomplish every single little thing I've ever wanted to. My greatest dream is to live, and my greatest fear is to die without having done so.

I'm not content with just staying stagnant. I like there to be a good amount of excitement and unpredictability in my life. I'm one of those people who would drive with you to Mexico on a whim just because that's the particular random thing that we might have decided to do. Don't get me wrong though, I do like having some relaxing down time. I'm also the type of person who will sit there watching cartoons and play video games with you all day, but I do like to mix it up. I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish, a lot of things I want to see, and now with my fear of flying gone and out of the way my main goal is to travel. I want to experience new things and cultures. I want to completely immerse myself in a new language. I feel like if I don't get to experience something different, if I don't get to see Europe, Asia, America, or Australia for myself then my life has been wasted.

I've grown up in Southern New Hampshire. I have spent my entire life thus far traveling these same streets, looking at these same places. I know how to get from one place to another. I know New England. If I get lost I'm fairly confident I could find my way back to a highway I know with little problems. Well, I'm tired of that now. I want to feel lost. I want to feel scared. I want to be placed completely out of my element. Why? Because I need that change. I don't want to live my entire life comfortably. You have to experience at least some discomfort in order to know you've really lived.

Aside from traveling, I want to experience other things. Things like writing my own book (even if it's never published), selling my first painting, helping animals in need, and making a cd of music that is entirely my own. I want to jump from a plane. I want to land my first skateboard and snowboard tricks. I want to do it all.

And then... I want to settle down. I want a nice house with a big yard. I want to cry as I'm putting on my first engagement ring. I want to have a big fancy wedding with all my friends and family. I want to feel the excitement of my first pregnancy. I want to raise my children and introduce them to fun and exciting new things. I want to watch them grow. I want to sit through dance recitals, art shows, football games, gymnastics meets, concerts, plays or whatever my children pick to do. I want to laugh through the tears as karma pays me back for my teenage years. Then I want to retire. I want to sip wine on my porch with my husband and dogs... and I want to be happy. And finally, I want to die breathing a breath of accomplishment.

I will do all of these things. These are my dreams and I know with time I can make them all come true.

Society: How it sucks out my soul.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this "growing up" business. The older I get the more things become clear to me. And I don't know if it's just because I'm getting old or if the world is actually getting worse, but this shit is depressing. I've been learning to ignore certain things, and yes sometimes ignorance is bliss, but I feel like I have to or else I'll go completely insane. The amount of selfishness, greed, and cruelty in this world is completely sickening. There are things I've read and heard that have sent my mind into such a complete rage that I have to take a step back and breathe. Things that even my own friends have said that make me so unbelievably angry that I've had to keep my mouth shut on as to not start an argument. I've been raised to feel compassion, and sometimes it's more of a curse than a blessing. I've been raised to be tolerant, but it's hard to be tolerant of intolerance. I try to listen to all sides, I try to understand, but I can't. I can't understand how people can hate things just because they are different. No matter how hard I try, I cannot wrap my head around how people can sleep with all the hateful ignorance floating around in their brains.

99.9% of the general public are sheep. Little wondering lost brainless sheep that follow whomever screams the loudest. And obviously, the loudest one HAS to be correct. No need for useless research to see if what they are screaming is actually the truth. No. That would be a waste of your precious little ignorant time. Research! What an asinine concept. Thinking for yourself? No, that's much to hard. Just follow the herd. Jump on the bandwagon... It's so much easier.

I. CANNOT. Take it anymore. What is wrong with you people? The racists who are so terrified of someones outside appearance that they don't realize that inside we are all exactly the same. The friends and relatives who shun family members because their white daughter is dating a black man, or their Asian daughter is dating a white man. Why? Why is that wrong? Because they have different skin tones? It is 2010 people. It's time to grow out of that racist bullshit and realize that we are all people. We are all human. We all breathe, bleed and die. We all all the same.

And ah, the homophobes. How I want to bash your intolerant faces in. What about love don't you understand? You want to dictate who someone is allowed to LOVE?! We are all human (again, again I must remind you) and despite what reproductive parts we have, we ALL have the capability to love another human being. Is a homosexual hurting you by loving someone of the same sex? I highly doubt it. Are you afraid of being "hit on" by someone of the same sex? Well don't flatter yourself hunny, you probably don't even get hit on by the opposite sex. And if by some chance you DO get hit on, take it as a compliment. That means you're attractive, and doesn't that make your stupid little brain feel good about itself? And why, OH WHY is gay marriage wrong? Please, please someone tell me how this does NOT go against the constitution? And don't you DARE quote the bible to me. That book has no right to be in politics, none (separation of church and state). That book tells you it's okay to kill your son and beat your wife... but "lying with another man is an abomination?!" Abuse? That's cool. Murder? Yeah that's fine. Homosexuality? NO! WRONG! THAS THE DEVIL, MA! No, your book has no affect on me, it should have no affect on you, and it should have absolutely no right to dictate whether or not gay people can get married. ONCE AGAIN, we are ALL HUMAN and we ALL deserve the same rights a privileges despite race, sex, or sexual orien-fucking-tation. HOW HARD IS THIS TO UNDERSTAND?!

And while I don't agree with organized religion, I believe everyone has the right to practice whatever they chose to... INCLUDING Islam. The fact that it was a national debate on whether or not a mosque (not even a damn mosque, it was a center or worship) could be placed NEAR ground zero was completely, completely, COMPLETELY stupid. Anyone who bothered to do just a little bit of research, those of us who did not follow blindly like a brainless sheep, would have seen that there was already a mosque DOWN THE STREET. It was something that should not have been a big deal that was blown WAY out of proportion (thank you conservative news reporting). This was one of those topics that I kept my mouth shut on. I watched on my facebook news feed as certain friends joined groups against the mosque and raged. RAGED. I seriously debated on whether I wanted to associate with these people anymore. I tried to passive aggressively post articles of RESEARCH I did on the topic, but the sheep did not listen. They never listen...

And here I am, cursed with compassion, and I sit here in complete disbelief that there are people who think the way they do. Hate will never disappear no matter how hard we try because the sheep will always follow, and unfortunately, most of those with the loud voices usually spew hate an ignorance to those poor fools. When those of us who have compassion stand up we are often told, no DEMANDED, to sit down. We are told that we are the stupid ones, that we don't know what we're talking about, and it's so completely draining. I try to stand up for what is right, I try so hard, but no one listens. Compassion is just another word for "weak" in the minds of the ignorant. I was once called a "peacenick" like it was a bad thing. Like it was BAD to want there to be peace in the world. I've been attacked for showing compassion towards animals like it was a BAD THING, and I just can't even begin to wrap my head around it.

I will raise my kids with compassion. I will teach them to love their fellow man and all living creatures. I will teach them to form their own opinions based on research and facts, and to never blindly follow anyone... not even me. Many people ask me if I will make my kids be vegetarians because I am, and I won't. I want my kids to make their own life choices, and I will love them no matter what. I can only hope that they will take my teachings of compassion to heart and choose to live that way. I want them to be able to see the beauty in a world that is constantly trying to show you ugliness. Compassion is beautiful. Humans can be beautiful. Nature is beautiful. And despite your views on everything, you deserve to be happy and you deserve to see this happiness. Living in a state of ignorance slowly obstructs your view of this beauty and turns you into a bitter, lonely person. Open your mind. Open your heart and learn to love. Come outside your own world. Come outside yourself and realize that we all have the right to happiness, human and animal. Don't follow blindly, don't believe the loud ones. Do a little research because most of the time it proves the loud ones wrong.

I try not to speak on these subjects often because I know no matter what I say I will most likely not even make a difference, but I can't always just sit idly by and watch as hate devours the earth. I want to make a difference, and I will keep standing up for what I believe in. I will confront hate as it is brought to me, and when the time comes, I will teach my children how to love others. Which is what we should all do. ALL OF US.... Learn how to love unconditionally and spread compassion instead of hate.

Being an adult is overwhelming. Having your eyes opened to how society really is can be completely depressing, and I am having a hard time with it. I'm hoping that in time things will get better, but I have very little faith in our world.

Like an apple.

The older I get the more bitter towards society I become. It's getting to the point where I'm not even surprised by the things people do or say. Not too long ago I would have been appalled by the actions of so many of the people in my life, but not anymore. The only way to survive the disappointment is to learn to never expect anything from anyone. People are selfish. They are too lost inside themselves to even begin to think about the emotions of others. Every so often you find one of those selfless people, but they are a dying breed. They too are being corrupted by the heartlessness of society and will soon shrink back into their own bodies and protect what they know can't hurt them. Remember the phrase, "treat others as you wish to be treated?" No? Oh, yes, that would explain a lot... This phrase needs to be studied and repeated over and over and over again by a big handful of the people out there. That is how I had decided to live, but now, after so many times of having my heart snapped in half by the people I have gone out of my way for, I'm starting to pick and choose who deserves that kind of treatment. I've been fooled by a great number of people into thinking that their feelings are genuine... that they would do anything for me. But when that time comes, where are they? They are doing whatever best suits their own needs and I am nowhere to be found.

When Corey and I first got together I was taken back by how bitter he was towards other people, but now I completely understand. He would say something negative about someone he was weary about and 9 times out of 10 he was dead on. I used to think I was an excellent judge of character, but now I see how flawed that kind of thinking was. And as pessimistic as I found Corey's views on people, it unfortunately proves true most of the time.

It's sad when you think about it. The good ones are so few and far between, so how do you know who you can trust? It's terrifying. I'm so tired of giving my all to people who could give less than a fuck about me, but how am I supposed to know who's going to appreciate the things I do? I'm so concerned about what people think about me. I hate to be known as a bitch, so most of the time I try to prove to people that I'm not, but why do I care? I try to help people out, I try to show people that they are cared about, and in return I get excuses. I get ignored. I rarely get the respect back that I give out and it's exhausting.

I'm in the process of reprogramming my brain. Instead of feeling bad about something I have done (or not done), I think about what that particular person has done to me and I try not to care. I find it extremely sad that apathy has become my ultimate social goal. It's depressing to think that my usual "thinking the best of everyone" attitude is turning into being overly skeptical and pessimistic towards every new (and old) person I meet. Is this necessarily the right path to take? I think I need to find some sort of middle ground before I build up a huge shell again and become this bitter mess of a person. I'm just so tired of being disappointed... So, so tired of rude, selfish assholes....and I just wish this world wasn't as disgusting as I hoped it wouldn't be.

U-Turn

I had originally started this blog as an outlet for creative thought. It was supposed to be a place for well thought out, nicely written entries and not so much for bitching or telling you about my day. Unfortunately, since I'm trying NOT to bitch, I never blog... and I feel like not writing at all is probably not a good thing for me. I already feel like my brain is on vacation... like I'm on auto pilot... so I'm going to slightly alter the direction of this blog. Back to bitching and daily updates we go, my friends :)

Alright, so with the above paragraph being somewhat of a disclaimer, I shall begin...

After reading my past blogs I toyed with the idea of going back to livejournal. It was actually really interesting being able to go back and see what was I doing or thinking about years ago. Even though most of my entries made me look completely stupid and naive, it was still fun to read. So I started thinking about THIS blog... when you go back and read some of these if only gives you a vague idea of where I was or what I was thinking about. My future self wouldn't really be reminded of where EXACTLY my head was at. I'm still weary about publicly displaying my thoughts. Livejournal has a lot of privacy settings, and I really don't think blogger has any. Not only that, but who the hell cares what the fuck I'm thinking? Who actually REALLY reads this? And why do I feel the need to blast my emo-ness over the internet? The answer, I have no idea. It actually makes me feel like kind of an attention whore... which isn't my intention at all. I know that next to no one reads this, ESPECIALLY if the entry is long (which this one will be)... but for those of you who do I want you to be able to get me and hopefully understand what goes on inside my head. Does that even make sense? Doesn't that make me MORE of an attention whore? Probably... but whatever.

I just recently celebrated my 24th birthday and I think that has sent my head into an almost-quarter-of-my-life-crisis. This growing old thing is scary. Birthday's are starting to become more of a burden than something I look forward to every year. After I hit 25 I really don't have anything else to look forward to. Next year I'll be able to rent a car and my insurance will go down.... Wow. I'll be a full blown adult. TERRIFYING! My whole life has been this big rush to grow up, but now I find myself wishing that it was somehow possible to go backwards... or stay stagnant. Lucky for me, I can still fool people into thinking I'm 16, but not my head... my head knows.... and my head thinks I'm stupid and old.

I feel like I passed up so many opportunities in order to push myself faster into adulthood. Instead of attending a "normal" college I chose the fast track. Senior year of high school hit and I decided school just wasn't for me. The laziness started to set in, but my art teachers convinced me to at least do SOMETHING. All the years prior I was SO SET on going to REAL college... attending the four years and emerging with a bachelors.... but no. Instead I found McIntosh College, a little gem of a non-existent school that was in Dover (Yes that's right kids, my fake little school doesn't even exist anymore). It was fast, I didn't have to take math, my best friend could come with me, and I'd be done and working in no time. THEN it seemed like a fantastic idea, but NOW I want to go back in time and punch me in the face. I look at where my sister is now (at PSU) and I would KILL to be able to go back and choose a similar path. When I was up for her birthday in October and went to the parties it made me sad that I essentially passed all that up so my ass could sit in a cubicle. Good decision, Sam... good job. In my freshmen and sophomore year I was set on going to school in Boston... in junior year I was all geared up to go to NHIA in Manchester... but somehow I ended up in Dover, New Hampshire, going to a "fake" wannabe of a college... and got my associates in 15 months. I often wonder how different things would have been had I chose to actually (wo)man up and go to real college. I probably would have had a great time. I probably would have actually made friends in REAL college instead of the 10 people that I somewhat talked to but now don't exist to (with at least one exception) at McIntosh.  But I digress, the past is the past and there is really nothing I can do to change it now... It just frustrates me seeing how much I get in my own way.

I've come a long way since high school and college. I am so completely different from who I was. Some of that is good, and some of it is bad. I'm so much more open minded to things. I'm WAY more social and not as ruled by my fears. But I am such a lazy piece of shit. Once I was in a "real" job I gained 15 pounds. Even though I lost it (though NOT in a healthy way at first), it has taken me until this year to really get my shit together and realize I need to be more active. Not only have I become physically lazy, I've become mentally lazy too. I feel like a LOT of this has to do with my ongoing battle with anxiety and depression. I get into moods where I just don't want to function... where I really want to turn of my head and sit by myself. Sometimes I get into such a hermit mode, answering a text message becomes overwhelming. Most days I just force myself. I force myself to talk to people, to hang out, to be normal. It's not even that I don't like the people I'm talking to, it's just that I don't want to do ANYTHING. I used to write all the time. I'd play guitar every single day... and years ago I actually had a sketch book that I drew in every day! Now I just sit and think about doing it. I complain to myself about how lazy I'm being, but then I continue to do nothing. The only reason I still continue to write occasionally is because of my band... thank god for that... but I used to do things just for me. I used to write poetry, songs, short stories, and I had even started working on a play. Now... it's nothing. It's simply ideas that stay locked in my head that maybe someday I'll write down on paper. I've had a book idea sitting on my brain for YEARS now. I've mentally written the first few sentences hundreds and hundreds of times. I've changed the plot, thought about the research I'll have to do to make it accurate, but still... years and YEARS later... it sits as simply an idea.

I need to change. I don't want to keep repeating the same cycle of me regretting all the things I DIDN'T do. I need to stop making excuses and just do something, ANYTHING, that I used to really enjoy doing. I don't want to be in my 30's and think about all the time I've wasted in my 20's. I don't want to have another entry 10 years from now still bitching about the same things. Ugh... I will... and I think working through my depression will help get the ball rolling.

Wow.

I've spent a lot of time reading over my past journal entries. Not the ones in this journal, but the OLD ones... like high school and college ones. I can't believe how much has changed. As I was reading I was tempted to leave myself a comment or two, like maybe somehow it would travel through time and reach my past self. The journals made me realize how many mistakes I have made, and how much I have learned from them, for the most part. Even in just the past few years I have grown and molded myself into such a completely different person, and hopefully with the help of my past self, I will never make those mistakes again. I found myself becoming aggravated at the past Sam, wanting to yell through time and somehow make her hear me. I made SO MANY stupid, stupid mistakes. I wasted so much time on things that I could never, ever change, and made promises that I never fulfilled. I found myself feeling bad for past me, feeling angry with her. Why didn't she listen to anyone? Why didn't she listen to her own instincts? Why didn't she ever just relax? But damn, in a sense, I'm glad I went through all that. I needed to because now, at the ripe old age of 23, I feel like maybe I have actually learned my lesson. "Seeing" me going through all of the mental struggles has made me never, ever want to put myself in those kind of positions ever again. And if somehow my comments made it through time to the past Sam, my entire world would be different... and as much as I complain now I really don't know if I want my life to be so dramatically altered from what it is right now. Yes, there are some things I wish I had not done, and some that I wish I had, but who knows what kind of person I would be today if those wishes had come true.

I think what I'm realizing now, and have been for the past few entries, is that I really am in control of my own life. I can make all the dreams I have come true, and I am the only person who can allow myself to experience real happiness. It's obvious from my past entries that I become blinded by all the bad in my life which makes it almost impossible to see the good all around me. Only until later down the road do I stop and realize all the good that was there the whole time unbeknownst to me. I am still young, I still have so much to experience, and I shouldn't be wasting any second of any of my days left on this earth wallowing in my own self pity. The world is full of good and bad, things always get better, and you never, ever know what is right around the corner. Life is exciting, full of surprises, and I really am excited to see what is in store for me.

Who are You?

It seems as if life is a constant struggle to find out exactly who we are. But what if... what if we already know. What if there is no ultimate conclusion, no miraculous discovery of self. What if the whole time we are searching, it is already there staring blankly back at us in the mirror everyday. I myself guilty of this soul searching, this cliche phrase, but after reading something... I can't recall what, but I think it was lyrics... about how someone needed to find themselves, that they didn't know who they were, I began to think about how silly that phrase is. I mean, really, we do know who we are. Sometimes we just hide it from ourselves, deny the horrible parts of our personalities that we don't want to accept and think that others don't see. But really look at yourself; really look at that phrase. If we had no idea who we were how could we possibly make the simplest of choices, whether that be a wardrobe choice or ordering from a menu. I know, and most of you know, that I don't like meat... therefor I am a vegetarian. I know that I don't like Abercrombie and Fitch... I know that I prefer rock music to rap, prefer thought out lyrics to ones about "bitches," I know all sorts of things about myself! So what am I searching for? Why do I continue to use the phrase, "I don't even know who I am" when really I do... Perhaps it's not the self we are searching for, the self being the parts of our personality we have yet to discover, but rather we are searching for the self we want to be. Maybe the "self" we're referring to is the person we saw ourselves being from a young age, or the person we want to live as. Maybe trying to find who we are indicates the struggle we face everyday to escape the monotony of our somewhat boring lives. Like for me, finding who I am would be finding a way of life that makes me happy everyday, finally becoming that person who I'm striving so hard to be...

But if that's not what finding yourself really means, then will someday everything become clear to me? Will I understand my purpose? What if there is none? How much time will be wasted in the hopes for some sort of self discovery when it all might be passing us by? What if this is it? This is life, this is who you are, there is no real purpose other than to live and enjoy the only shot you have at living your life. Is that such a bad thing? I don't think so. I know I've learned quite a bit about myself and others in the past 23 years. This discovery of self, this idea of finding out who you are, seems like it's just a phrase to motivate you, to maybe bring you out of your little bubble and let you really experience life for what it is. Life. Living... breathing... surviving... learning. Let's all find ourselves in hopes of living a life to the fullest extent.

Reflection.

I sit here, staring at the screen of my computer, gorging myself with M&M's from a cow, and all I can think is... wow... I've made no progress this year.

Well, ok, that statement isn't 100% true. I have made some progress, a lot of it mental. 2008 was truly a year of reflection, learning, trial and error... a lot of error... a lot of errors I'm still continuing to make, and growth as an adult. I opened myself up to things I've never really experienced before. I've had a lot of time to think about who I really am and what I really want, but I can't help but feel I let myself down somehow.

The notable things I've achieved were the joining of my band, and my "new" (4 month old) relationship. Both of which took, and are still taking, a lot of courage and effort, and are making me insanely proud and happy.

Taking that first step to audition for Acrida was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Preforming, recording, it's like the first step in a dream come true. Sometimes I just sit back and think about how, only a year ago, I was staring at the stage thinking... I have to do this. I have to be up there... How the hell am I going to make this happen? And now here I am... I've played a handful of shows, I recorded a cd... I've heard my voice mature... and become proud of what I can do. I still can't believe I somehow mustered up the courage to even go to that audition... but I'm so glad I did.

And who was the one who finally made me see how proud of myself I was? Corey. He could not have picked a better time to enter into my life. In the four months that I've known him, he's made me feel so much more confident. He took my drowned, dead self esteem and revived it with a life I can't even begin to describe. Through him, I am finding myself again... Being with him makes me feel alive, when before I thought every emotion inside of me was dead. Everyday I wake up EXACTLY where I want to be. And everyday I think of how lucky I am to have met someone like him. Words can't even adiquately describe how I feel, anything I could say or write or do never seems enough. But he makes me happy, he makes me feel like I am worth something, and all the challenges, good times and bad, have really brought me back to life.

I look back on my old livejournal entry, dated a year ago today, and I see the things I wished I hadn't done, and wanted to fix this year. Money being one of those things. I'm starting to get better, but it got a whole lot worse before I started correcting myself. The other goal, was to travel. Again, 2009 is looking VERY good in that prospect. Corey and I already have 2 trips planned, one to California and another to Las Vegas(?). Though, I can't help but feel disappointed in myself for not having the drive to make the travel plans happen last year. And I can't help but feel like I'm constantly waiting. Waiting for more money, waiting for more time, waiting for that perfect opportunity to cross my path. Why don't I ever just jump into things? No, again that's not true, the only things I've succeeded in this year I have jumped into, so why am I still so afraid? So LAZY? I'm so convinced that I am in control of my own happiness, so why do I stand in my own way all the time?

A lot of it has to do with the opinions of others. I feel like I'm under constant scrutiny of EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. Everyone judges me, everyone wants to make MY decisions for me. I get so lost in other people that I forget about what I really want 99% of the time. So this year, my resolution will be to stop caring about that. To not get lost in other people and only focus on what is going to make ME happy in the long run. I've lived so long only doing what other people wanted me to do, and feeling guilty for doing things MY way. I understand most people just want what's best for me, but please, enough is enough. This is MY life. I will make mistakes, that's the only way I'll learn. And if I really think that making a certain choice is going to make me happy then WHY would you want to stand in my way? How could you prevent me from having that happiness... even if it's only a temporary thing?

It almost feels like making any sort of goal is pointless because most of the time I never really follow through, but I'm going to continue to make them any way. In 2009 I am going to stop being so lazy, so afraid of everything, and I'm really going to start living the way I want to. I'm going to mess up, I'm going to get lost, but eventually I'll find my way back. This year will be the year I finally start living for me.

Happy New Year, let's all try and make 2009 the year we've all been waiting for.

Stop. Emo-time.

Sometimes I take a step back and look at myself, really look at myself, and I think, "What am I doing?" Sometimes I feel so out of control of my own life, my own body, my own mind. There are times I feel so focused, but then one little thing gets in my way and I spiral out of control. My mind is so full of contradictions, and it's slowly driving me insane.

What do I want? I've never really had a hard time answering this question. I'd like to think I know exactly what I want from my life, but are my goals and aspirations too far fetched? Will I ever be able to complete one single thing that will make me feel whole and accomplished? When will I be strong enough to take that first blind leap? When will everyone else's opinions not matter to me?

I worry too much. I think too much. I obsess over nothing. I fall too hard. My mind is my worst enemy. I am keeping myself down, standing in my own way, and it frustrates me to no end.

Anxiety has me by my hypothetical balls (ovaries?) again, and I swear to all that is holy, I'm going to punch myself right in the brain to make it stop.