Even though I technically still have another day and a half or so left of 2009, I think now is as good a time as any to write my reflection on another year past.
Woah, where did it go!? Am I the only one who feels like this year completely flew by? It seems like the older I get the faster time goes (except for right now of course; my job slows down time itself). I've been thinking about this entry for a few days now, trying to remember the lessons I've learned and things I've experienced, and all I can think is, "DAMN! 2009 is over already?!" This is a little scary. Before I know it I'll be 30, and that's terrifying... Though now is not the time for fears, now is the time to enlighten you with the things I have come to discover about myself and life in general this year.
Well, last year I vowed not to be lazy... whoops! I still am, but I am actually trying to be slightly more proactive about my laziness. I've been going to the gym almost every week with Noelle since, I want to say, October... end of September? Either way, I'm there and actually enjoying myself. I am still unhealthily obsessed with my weight, unfortunately. Though I am proud that I have been able to keep myself at relatively the same size for over a year now. I can actually fit into (some) size 7 jeans for the first time since I started working (and porkin' out) at The Teeg. The most exciting moment was a month ago when I ALMOST fit into a size 5... someday... maybe 2010. I've come to the point where I really just want to be healthy. I've never been able to run a mile without wanting to kill myself and everyone around me, so I'd really like to be able to do that someday. Plus, the more in shape I am, the easier is it to have a good stage presence. It may not seem like it, but rockin' out takes a lot out of you!
My band, oh sweet jesus, my band... I love them to death, but we have all come to realize a band relationship is probably one of the hardest ones to have. We've had a lot of ups and downs, we've had some absolutely insane (good and bad) experiences (Alliance Fest being towards the top of the crazy list), but we have had a fantastic year. As we approach our 2nd anniversary, I can't even believe how far we've come. I am so unbelievably excited for our new CD and to start off this new year with them. I have a really good feeling about everything...
My friends (including Corey) have also had a huge impact on my year as well. I've become closer to some, further away from others, reconnected with some and made new ones... And I can't say that I'm terribly disappointed with the way everything has worked out. I am so thankful to have so many great people in my life. Some of you have helped me in more ways than you'll ever know (I hope you know who you are), and for that I will always show you the exact same treatment you've shown me. When I tell a person, "I am here for you," I mean it. I genuinely care about all of you and appreciate every single little thing you've done for me. Having you all in my life has made this year even more exciting.
So I guess now I should reflect a little on me. This year I have conquered my number one fear, flying. And you know what? It wasn't that bad. I mean, being in a tube in the air is a terrifying idea in itself, but somehow it felt safe enough. I still don't think I could handle more than a 6 hour flight just because I get so restless. There's only so long you can sit there idly facing the seat in front of you before you want to start screaming. Turbulence... not a big fan of, but flying was totally worth it. I finally made it on a big trip, I finally saw the west coast, and I am FINALLY no longer afraid to fly. I'm taking slow little baby steps to rid myself of anxiety. I've made a few huge steps forwards, but there have also been steps back. I think the key is to keep trying. I really don't want to live this way forever. If there was something that I learned from the California trip it was that you cannot live your life in fear. The only way to get over something is to face it, and now that I've done that, I'm willing to push things aside so I can actually LIVE my life.
So for 2010 I don't think I'm going to make any sort of resolution. Every year I always end up learning and experiencing so much. There are definitely things I want to do, like continuing to travel (I'm supposed to be going to the Bahamas, pretty excited), continuing to exercise (including working on strengthening my back muscles so maybe someday I wont be in excruciating pain), continuing to evolve with my band, and to continue to work on my depression and anxiety.
Life is a constant struggle, it tests you and every so often rewards you with something you never expected. I'm an extremely pessimistic person, but this past year I have been trying to look at things (especially myself) in a new, brighter light. Corey has helped a lot with that. He's constantly trying to help me see all the good in the world and myself and I can never express to him how much it helps me, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it.
I'm definitely both excited and anxious to see what 2010 holds. I know there will be bad, but I also know that despite any situation I may face the good is never too far behind. So bring it 2010...
I'm ready for you.
Showing posts with label Reflection.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflection.. Show all posts
30 December, 2009
31 December, 2008
Reflection.
I sit here, staring at the screen of my computer, gorging myself with M&M's from a cow, and all I can think is... wow... I've made no progress this year.
Well, ok, that statement isn't 100% true. I have made some progress, a lot of it mental. 2008 was truly a year of reflection, learning, trial and error... a lot of error... a lot of errors I'm still continuing to make, and growth as an adult. I opened myself up to things I've never really experienced before. I've had a lot of time to think about who I really am and what I really want, but I can't help but feel I let myself down somehow.
The notable things I've achieved were the joining of my band, and my "new" (4 month old) relationship. Both of which took, and are still taking, a lot of courage and effort, and are making me insanely proud and happy.
Taking that first step to audition for Acrida was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Preforming, recording, it's like the first step in a dream come true. Sometimes I just sit back and think about how, only a year ago, I was staring at the stage thinking... I have to do this. I have to be up there... How the hell am I going to make this happen? And now here I am... I've played a handful of shows, I recorded a cd... I've heard my voice mature... and become proud of what I can do. I still can't believe I somehow mustered up the courage to even go to that audition... but I'm so glad I did.
And who was the one who finally made me see how proud of myself I was? Corey. He could not have picked a better time to enter into my life. In the four months that I've known him, he's made me feel so much more confident. He took my drowned, dead self esteem and revived it with a life I can't even begin to describe. Through him, I am finding myself again... Being with him makes me feel alive, when before I thought every emotion inside of me was dead. Everyday I wake up EXACTLY where I want to be. And everyday I think of how lucky I am to have met someone like him. Words can't even adiquately describe how I feel, anything I could say or write or do never seems enough. But he makes me happy, he makes me feel like I am worth something, and all the challenges, good times and bad, have really brought me back to life.
I look back on my old livejournal entry, dated a year ago today, and I see the things I wished I hadn't done, and wanted to fix this year. Money being one of those things. I'm starting to get better, but it got a whole lot worse before I started correcting myself. The other goal, was to travel. Again, 2009 is looking VERY good in that prospect. Corey and I already have 2 trips planned, one to California and another to Las Vegas(?). Though, I can't help but feel disappointed in myself for not having the drive to make the travel plans happen last year. And I can't help but feel like I'm constantly waiting. Waiting for more money, waiting for more time, waiting for that perfect opportunity to cross my path. Why don't I ever just jump into things? No, again that's not true, the only things I've succeeded in this year I have jumped into, so why am I still so afraid? So LAZY? I'm so convinced that I am in control of my own happiness, so why do I stand in my own way all the time?
A lot of it has to do with the opinions of others. I feel like I'm under constant scrutiny of EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. Everyone judges me, everyone wants to make MY decisions for me. I get so lost in other people that I forget about what I really want 99% of the time. So this year, my resolution will be to stop caring about that. To not get lost in other people and only focus on what is going to make ME happy in the long run. I've lived so long only doing what other people wanted me to do, and feeling guilty for doing things MY way. I understand most people just want what's best for me, but please, enough is enough. This is MY life. I will make mistakes, that's the only way I'll learn. And if I really think that making a certain choice is going to make me happy then WHY would you want to stand in my way? How could you prevent me from having that happiness... even if it's only a temporary thing?
It almost feels like making any sort of goal is pointless because most of the time I never really follow through, but I'm going to continue to make them any way. In 2009 I am going to stop being so lazy, so afraid of everything, and I'm really going to start living the way I want to. I'm going to mess up, I'm going to get lost, but eventually I'll find my way back. This year will be the year I finally start living for me.
Happy New Year, let's all try and make 2009 the year we've all been waiting for.
Well, ok, that statement isn't 100% true. I have made some progress, a lot of it mental. 2008 was truly a year of reflection, learning, trial and error... a lot of error... a lot of errors I'm still continuing to make, and growth as an adult. I opened myself up to things I've never really experienced before. I've had a lot of time to think about who I really am and what I really want, but I can't help but feel I let myself down somehow.
The notable things I've achieved were the joining of my band, and my "new" (4 month old) relationship. Both of which took, and are still taking, a lot of courage and effort, and are making me insanely proud and happy.
Taking that first step to audition for Acrida was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Preforming, recording, it's like the first step in a dream come true. Sometimes I just sit back and think about how, only a year ago, I was staring at the stage thinking... I have to do this. I have to be up there... How the hell am I going to make this happen? And now here I am... I've played a handful of shows, I recorded a cd... I've heard my voice mature... and become proud of what I can do. I still can't believe I somehow mustered up the courage to even go to that audition... but I'm so glad I did.
And who was the one who finally made me see how proud of myself I was? Corey. He could not have picked a better time to enter into my life. In the four months that I've known him, he's made me feel so much more confident. He took my drowned, dead self esteem and revived it with a life I can't even begin to describe. Through him, I am finding myself again... Being with him makes me feel alive, when before I thought every emotion inside of me was dead. Everyday I wake up EXACTLY where I want to be. And everyday I think of how lucky I am to have met someone like him. Words can't even adiquately describe how I feel, anything I could say or write or do never seems enough. But he makes me happy, he makes me feel like I am worth something, and all the challenges, good times and bad, have really brought me back to life.
I look back on my old livejournal entry, dated a year ago today, and I see the things I wished I hadn't done, and wanted to fix this year. Money being one of those things. I'm starting to get better, but it got a whole lot worse before I started correcting myself. The other goal, was to travel. Again, 2009 is looking VERY good in that prospect. Corey and I already have 2 trips planned, one to California and another to Las Vegas(?). Though, I can't help but feel disappointed in myself for not having the drive to make the travel plans happen last year. And I can't help but feel like I'm constantly waiting. Waiting for more money, waiting for more time, waiting for that perfect opportunity to cross my path. Why don't I ever just jump into things? No, again that's not true, the only things I've succeeded in this year I have jumped into, so why am I still so afraid? So LAZY? I'm so convinced that I am in control of my own happiness, so why do I stand in my own way all the time?
A lot of it has to do with the opinions of others. I feel like I'm under constant scrutiny of EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. Everyone judges me, everyone wants to make MY decisions for me. I get so lost in other people that I forget about what I really want 99% of the time. So this year, my resolution will be to stop caring about that. To not get lost in other people and only focus on what is going to make ME happy in the long run. I've lived so long only doing what other people wanted me to do, and feeling guilty for doing things MY way. I understand most people just want what's best for me, but please, enough is enough. This is MY life. I will make mistakes, that's the only way I'll learn. And if I really think that making a certain choice is going to make me happy then WHY would you want to stand in my way? How could you prevent me from having that happiness... even if it's only a temporary thing?
It almost feels like making any sort of goal is pointless because most of the time I never really follow through, but I'm going to continue to make them any way. In 2009 I am going to stop being so lazy, so afraid of everything, and I'm really going to start living the way I want to. I'm going to mess up, I'm going to get lost, but eventually I'll find my way back. This year will be the year I finally start living for me.
Happy New Year, let's all try and make 2009 the year we've all been waiting for.
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