My body is my temple.

Woah, there. Took a little bit of a blogging break... a bleak (pronounced, blake) if you will... but now I'm back and ready to... type. I only have three days left of this damn challenge, a 25 day challenge that has taken me, oh, just shy of 3 months, but don't judge me. I'm trying to put some thought into this bitch.

Day 23 - Your biggest regret.

Originally, I was going to go in a completely different direction for this challenge and write about something that goes hand-in-hand with my last post about college... Regretting not going to a "real" 4 year college. That is one of a few things I regret, but it's definitely towards the top of the list. However, after having a conversation with my sister about body image, and visiting this tumblr, I've decided on a completely different topic...

My biggest regret is giving in to societies view of what a beautiful woman is.

If you're a girl, any girl, chances are you've given in too, and the outcome has been a life long struggle to love and accept yourself. Quite possibly the hardest battle to fight, and one that is often never won.

If you're anything like me you may spend a ridiculous amount of time staring at yourself in the mirror pinching and nit picking at every single imperfection on your body, all the while the little voice in the back of your head utters, "Oh, when did Shamu show up?" Then you start imagining every anorexic celebrity people have deemed as "hot" and start comparing yourself to them. "Ugh, if only I had Angelina's boobs..." or, "If I stop eating I can totally look like Natalie Portman!" Then, defeated, you eventually force yourself to stop looking in the mirror and walk away while you continue to subconsciously cry and feel exceptionally self loathing. "Stupid bitches... ruin it for the rest of us. How can I possibly compare to them!"

I've been trying to stop this horrible pattern of self destruction. If I think I look particularly nice in an outfit I will try to tell myself how pretty I look. Or, like today, when I'm second guessing what I've put on I'll simply repeat, "I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful," until I force myself to leave it on and continue with my life. But if I could just learn how to accept myself, flaws and all, if I could just learn to like myself, to possibly see what others have seen in me, my life would be so much easier.

I regret becoming the stereotypical, "does this dress make me look fat," girl. Have I really become so vain that my life depends on how I look to others? None of that should matter. I don't even begin to judge my friends as harshly as I judge myself. I even disagree with most of the negative stuff my girl friends have said about themselves. Each and every one of us has our own unique beauty, and just because you're not 75 lbs and barbie tan that doesn't make you ugly. Not one bit.

But most of us can't see past the outside, and some men only make it worse. I've listened to my male friends talk about how gross fat girls are, I've listened to the fat jokes, the ugly jokes, the flat chested jokes and I've absolutely taken notice of who they call hot. Who hasn't? It all stays locked inside your mind and it makes you terrified of what they say about you. It makes you wonder if the ugly or fat jokes have ever been directed towards you, and it makes you crazy. It makes you strive to be rail thin with a plastic surgery face... It makes you scared to get into a bathing suit where everyone can clearly see your cellulite and stretch marks. It's a horrible hell most women live in, one we've put ourselves into by caring what the rest of the world thinks.

I want to be content with myself, but I'm also terrified of being viewed as conceited. I've had people compliment me before. I've been told I was "hot" or "beautiful." Guys have had crushes on me, and girls have openly told me the things they are jealous of me for. Yet somehow, I still can't come to terms with myself and my image. And it's not even that I'm brushing off the compliments. I get excited like a 6 year old every single time I get a compliment or someone hits on me. There's a boost of confidence every single time, but like a drug it wears off and I'm left thinking, "Well they liked how I looked then not necessarily how I look now," even if it happened earlier in the day.

My boyfriend is wonderful for my self esteem, and it means the world to me that he tries to help me get through this. I love that to him I am beautiful, I am what he wants, but it hurts him every time I put myself down. I make sarcastic comments all the time about my appearance. I even rely on him to tell me whether or not an outfit looks okay because I don't trust my own judgment. He has helped me very significantly these past 2 and half years, whether I show it or not, but I still have that awful voice inside my head that's putting me down every... single... second of the day.

So my goal for myself before I die, is to someday be able to look at myself and love what I see. I want to try not to take what others say to heart, and I want to be able to ignore what society is telling me is beautiful. I mean, hell, in the past it was desirable to be a heavier, pale woman. Even in the 50s it was okay to have curves. Now, everyone wants xylophone ribs, a noticeable spine, zero percent body fat with a DD cup size. But unless you starve yourself, or have a crazy metabolism and some fantastic genes, that's not going to happen.

Like I said before, we are all beautiful in one way or another. Even if I'm not the most physically attractive girl in the world I still have a pretty decent personality. I have a brain, that I use, I'm musical and artistic... and I'm a pretty decent mix of girly-girl and tom-boy. I could design you a bad ass logo, write and perform a song, debate with you on politics and ethics, wear 6 inch heals, keep up with you on a snowboard, verse you at a video game, change a tire, and wear a dress ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Well, maybe not... but you get what I'm saying here. I have to learn that thinking I'm a good, beautiful person is not necessarily me being narcissistic, it's me trying not to sabotage my own mental health with my pessimistic self image.

Someday, I will like myself. And someday I wont have to regret succumbing to the views of society. But for now... I'll just take it one day at a time.