Alone in a Crowded Room

As I fly through my 20's, I can't help but take note of all the things I have come to learn both about myself and those around me. The biggie being the important lesson of friendship.

You may find yourself asking these questions, "Who do I trust? Who is real?" Well, unfortunately, what I've come to discover is... no one. Okay, that may be a little over dramatic, but it's mostly true. As I get older I learn more and more about who I can trust, who exactly I can let in, who is probably around for the long haul, and who is completely psychotic. Though I have made mistakes. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I try really hard not to judge someones character based on first impressions alone (and other peoples opinions). I do believe that deep down most everyone has the potential to be a good person, but unfortunately, this usually gets me into trouble. I've befriended people who my gut instinct has told me, "Uh, no. Bad idea." But because the nice person in me has said, "Well... mayyybbbeee..." I usually get myself into situations that I really, really don't want to be in. No matter how much I love to debate or argue (I'm an Aries, don't judge me), no amount of playful (and sometimes serious) arguments are worth the 14 billion days of drama that are sure to follow. I've learned how to keep my mouth shut, and I've definitely learned which people are the drama starters... and promptly decided to limit my interaction with them.

For someone who is 100% completely afraid of being alone, I'm starting to become more comfortable with myself. Very, very slowly I'm trying to like who I am, since really... I'm the the only one who's always going to be around for me. It's hard... It's depressing... and it can be lonely when I really start to think about it. I used to be close with a lot of people. I used to have a handful of girls I could call my "best friends" but that, much like everything else, inevitably came to an end, and I moved on. Sometimes I'm sad about it, but such is life. Nothing ever lasts forever. People come and go on a pretty much constant basis, so you need to just "sack up" (to quote a friend) and deal with it.

At first, I did not react to this change well, but now I've almost become accustomed to it. I feel much like the outsider, but I'm honestly okay with that. I observe everyone's lives from afar only to have brief encounters with them to play "catch up." And you know, that's okay. It's still nice to see that people can confide in me.

I'm not a complete loner however. I do still have a handful of very close friends. Those who have stuck by me have almost become more like family in my mind. My absolute best female friend is actually family, and I am so insanely lucky to have such a close bond with her (my sister). I do know who I can count on and I make sure they know it. I try to return the favor as often as possible.

I've pretty much come to accept that when it comes to friends there are those you can count on, and those you can't. Learn to expect nothing from people. Don't expect them to go out of their way for you because everyone is selfish, everyone... If you need someone for something go out and ask. If you treat someone with respect and they turn around and disrespect you, they may not actually be a "real" friend. You don't necessarily have to cut them out of your life completely, instead just place them in the "unreliable" category and move along. Every friend serves some sort of purpose. Some are your therapists, some are your party buddies, some are short term, others are long, and some are a combination. That's just how it is. Not everyone can be your best friend, and sometimes even your best friend can surprise you.

So just remember, nothing lasts forever, but at one point in time that friend provided you with either something you needed or something you needed to learn. Take solace in the fact that there will always be someone else you will find or can rely on, even if that person is yourself.