12 September, 2008

Disjointed

Even though your head is technically attached to your body, doesn't it feel like most of the time they aren't really communicating? How is it that we are not in control of our own emotions? To an extent, we are, but most of the time we are screaming at ourselves in the third person. Who really wants to feel miserable? Who really wants to feel pain? Who is content with constantly being unhappy? No one. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just tell yourself, "Ok enough of that," and BAM it's over. You're done with whatever it is you didn't want to be feeling in an instant. Mind over matter does actually work for some, though for me I can't make it happen in an instant, sometimes I can't make it happen for days. For example, I hate being anxious, HATE it. There is nothing worse than feeling like I've OD'd on fucking speed or something. My heart is pounding, I shake, I breathe erratically, I'm jumpy. I don't EVER want to feel that way. So I say to myself, "Ok stop. I'm done with this," but my body doesn't listen. It continues to drive me slowly insane, continues to make me talk myself down like a psycho, until finally I win which could be days or weeks down the line.

Buddhism teaches you to the importance of being one with your body and mind. It says you should meditate until you feel whole, until you bring yourself back. I've tried this so many times, but I can't stop my brain from drifting to other things. This is why I have trouble sleeping, I can't turn it off. This is why I write so damn much... I wish there was just some easy fix to get your head and body to listen to one another. I want to practice the shit out of mind over matter so hopefully one day I will be totally whipped by myself.

Though for now, I'll just keep repeating over and over in my head that everything will be ok and I need to calm the eff down. Maybe it will work...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What you need is a distraction