What is love?

Day 5 - Discuss your feelings on the word “love” and the way it’s used in today.

Love is quite possibly the worst and greatest feeling in the world... That is, if it's real at all.

I have an unusual relationship with the word love. To me, it's not something to be taken lightly, which in today's society it definitely is. Back in middle school (and sometimes even high school and now) some people who entered into relationships thought that "I love you" was just something you say. There was no meaning behind it besides, "Hey, I like you... We're going out... Boyfriends and girlfriends say it, so we should too." But in reality, "love" is a pretty big deal. When put into those situations I have my own way of dealing with it. I refuse to say it if I didn't feel it, so I would say "luv you too" which in my head is COMPLETELY different (see the spelling of "luv"). As I get older, the more it freaks me out when people would say it to me. They obviously have no idea what it meant.

My "first love" happened when I was a sophomore in high school. For the first time, I thought I actually meant the word the way it was meant to be used. My boyfriend at the time had me convinced he felt the same, but our relationship ended at about 7 months... and later on I found out he had been cheating on me for a good chunk of time. It made me question the word, question if what I had felt towards him was love, and if he had ever really loved me at all.

After our relationship ended, a friend who had developed a crush on me began to use the word towards me. At that point in my melodramatic, post-break up angst that was the last word in the world I wanted to hear. We would get into arguments about it. I would tell him that he had no idea what "love" really meant, and what he was feeling towards me was not love at all. I told him it was the last thing I wanted to hear. He would tell me I'm wrong and would try to respect what I wanted and soon he stopped using it towards me.

Well, some months later I ended up dating that friend. I was with him on and off for about 6 years, and I honestly believed I was in love with him. Those six years were quite possibly the most dysfunctional times in my (and more than likely his) life, and at the end of it, I questioned if I still loved him at all.

Why do I constantly question love? Perhaps because I have a completely wrong and impossible view of it. To me, love is an amazing thing. If you feel love for someone nothing else matters. Little flaws, while still annoying, don't distract you. Any petty arguments can be solved quickly and in a rational manner... And that person who you love and loves you back, you would do anything to make that person happy. Because you love them, they come first in your mind. Love makes you miss that person when they are gone, but reminds you that there is nothing to worry about, it helps to comfort you. Love makes you selfless, love combines your life and another, and you live to keep that love alive and thriving. But is that real? Is that even possible?

I have never felt that kind of love which always makes me question whether I'm in love at all. I have strong feelings, I feel like I am in love, but is it just obsession? Is what I'm feeling just a combination of infatuation, possession and lust? Or is that really what love is? A combination of those feelings.

The Disney view of love is wrong. The love they try to portray in the movies and TV shows just does not exist. Love is hard, love is trying, love is learning to accept the flaws of another no matter how infuriating, love is learning how to not let jealousy control you, love is trust, love is learning how to fight sanely, love is lust, love is sex, and love is obsession no matter how you look at it.

Love is not always fun, sometimes you want to throw your partner out of a moving vehicle, but I want to think that's somewhat normal. I would really like to know what is normal. Sometimes I find myself over analyzing love, whether or not I feel it, whether or not the love I want exists. I would really like for someone to just give me an idea of what love really is so that I can figure out what the hell I'm doing....

Or maybe... maybe love just does not exist at all, and every human is just trying to force something for the sake of tradition. We're all just trying to recreate what we see on TV and the movies in our own life. Maybe love is just something we've all created and bought into... and let spiral completely out of control.

But who knows. The fact is love, as we know it, is different for everyone. Some can love despite the dysfunction it may create. Some may never love because they fear it (and for good reason). Some may go through many partners trying to find it. And who really knows if you're ever really in love. The point is to be happy. Love, though it does bring sadness and anger, should always bring you happiness... and at the end of the day that's what love should be. Happiness.