The older I get the more bitter towards society I become. It's getting to the point where I'm not even surprised by the things people do or say. Not too long ago I would have been appalled by the actions of so many of the people in my life, but not anymore. The only way to survive the disappointment is to learn to never expect anything from anyone. People are selfish. They are too lost inside themselves to even begin to think about the emotions of others. Every so often you find one of those selfless people, but they are a dying breed. They too are being corrupted by the heartlessness of society and will soon shrink back into their own bodies and protect what they know can't hurt them. Remember the phrase, "treat others as you wish to be treated?" No? Oh, yes, that would explain a lot... This phrase needs to be studied and repeated over and over and over again by a big handful of the people out there. That is how I had decided to live, but now, after so many times of having my heart snapped in half by the people I have gone out of my way for, I'm starting to pick and choose who deserves that kind of treatment. I've been fooled by a great number of people into thinking that their feelings are genuine... that they would do anything for me. But when that time comes, where are they? They are doing whatever best suits their own needs and I am nowhere to be found.
When Corey and I first got together I was taken back by how bitter he was towards other people, but now I completely understand. He would say something negative about someone he was weary about and 9 times out of 10 he was dead on. I used to think I was an excellent judge of character, but now I see how flawed that kind of thinking was. And as pessimistic as I found Corey's views on people, it unfortunately proves true most of the time.
It's sad when you think about it. The good ones are so few and far between, so how do you know who you can trust? It's terrifying. I'm so tired of giving my all to people who could give less than a fuck about me, but how am I supposed to know who's going to appreciate the things I do? I'm so concerned about what people think about me. I hate to be known as a bitch, so most of the time I try to prove to people that I'm not, but why do I care? I try to help people out, I try to show people that they are cared about, and in return I get excuses. I get ignored. I rarely get the respect back that I give out and it's exhausting.
I'm in the process of reprogramming my brain. Instead of feeling bad about something I have done (or not done), I think about what that particular person has done to me and I try not to care. I find it extremely sad that apathy has become my ultimate social goal. It's depressing to think that my usual "thinking the best of everyone" attitude is turning into being overly skeptical and pessimistic towards every new (and old) person I meet. Is this necessarily the right path to take? I think I need to find some sort of middle ground before I build up a huge shell again and become this bitter mess of a person. I'm just so tired of being disappointed... So, so tired of rude, selfish assholes....and I just wish this world wasn't as disgusting as I hoped it wouldn't be.
29 April, 2010
20 April, 2010
U-Turn
I had originally started this blog as an outlet for creative thought. It was supposed to be a place for well thought out, nicely written entries and not so much for bitching or telling you about my day. Unfortunately, since I'm trying NOT to bitch, I never blog... and I feel like not writing at all is probably not a good thing for me. I already feel like my brain is on vacation... like I'm on auto pilot... so I'm going to slightly alter the direction of this blog. Back to bitching and daily updates we go, my friends :)
Alright, so with the above paragraph being somewhat of a disclaimer, I shall begin...
After reading my past blogs I toyed with the idea of going back to livejournal. It was actually really interesting being able to go back and see what was I doing or thinking about years ago. Even though most of my entries made me look completely stupid and naive, it was still fun to read. So I started thinking about THIS blog... when you go back and read some of these if only gives you a vague idea of where I was or what I was thinking about. My future self wouldn't really be reminded of where EXACTLY my head was at. I'm still weary about publicly displaying my thoughts. Livejournal has a lot of privacy settings, and I really don't think blogger has any. Not only that, but who the hell cares what the fuck I'm thinking? Who actually REALLY reads this? And why do I feel the need to blast my emo-ness over the internet? The answer, I have no idea. It actually makes me feel like kind of an attention whore... which isn't my intention at all. I know that next to no one reads this, ESPECIALLY if the entry is long (which this one will be)... but for those of you who do I want you to be able to get me and hopefully understand what goes on inside my head. Does that even make sense? Doesn't that make me MORE of an attention whore? Probably... but whatever.
I just recently celebrated my 24th birthday and I think that has sent my head into an almost-quarter-of-my-life-crisis. This growing old thing is scary. Birthday's are starting to become more of a burden than something I look forward to every year. After I hit 25 I really don't have anything else to look forward to. Next year I'll be able to rent a car and my insurance will go down.... Wow. I'll be a full blown adult. TERRIFYING! My whole life has been this big rush to grow up, but now I find myself wishing that it was somehow possible to go backwards... or stay stagnant. Lucky for me, I can still fool people into thinking I'm 16, but not my head... my head knows.... and my head thinks I'm stupid and old.
I feel like I passed up so many opportunities in order to push myself faster into adulthood. Instead of attending a "normal" college I chose the fast track. Senior year of high school hit and I decided school just wasn't for me. The laziness started to set in, but my art teachers convinced me to at least do SOMETHING. All the years prior I was SO SET on going to REAL college... attending the four years and emerging with a bachelors.... but no. Instead I found McIntosh College, a little gem of a non-existent school that was in Dover (Yes that's right kids, my fake little school doesn't even exist anymore). It was fast, I didn't have to take math, my best friend could come with me, and I'd be done and working in no time. THEN it seemed like a fantastic idea, but NOW I want to go back in time and punch me in the face. I look at where my sister is now (at PSU) and I would KILL to be able to go back and choose a similar path. When I was up for her birthday in October and went to the parties it made me sad that I essentially passed all that up so my ass could sit in a cubicle. Good decision, Sam... good job. In my freshmen and sophomore year I was set on going to school in Boston... in junior year I was all geared up to go to NHIA in Manchester... but somehow I ended up in Dover, New Hampshire, going to a "fake" wannabe of a college... and got my associates in 15 months. I often wonder how different things would have been had I chose to actually (wo)man up and go to real college. I probably would have had a great time. I probably would have actually made friends in REAL college instead of the 10 people that I somewhat talked to but now don't exist to (with at least one exception) at McIntosh. But I digress, the past is the past and there is really nothing I can do to change it now... It just frustrates me seeing how much I get in my own way.
I've come a long way since high school and college. I am so completely different from who I was. Some of that is good, and some of it is bad. I'm so much more open minded to things. I'm WAY more social and not as ruled by my fears. But I am such a lazy piece of shit. Once I was in a "real" job I gained 15 pounds. Even though I lost it (though NOT in a healthy way at first), it has taken me until this year to really get my shit together and realize I need to be more active. Not only have I become physically lazy, I've become mentally lazy too. I feel like a LOT of this has to do with my ongoing battle with anxiety and depression. I get into moods where I just don't want to function... where I really want to turn of my head and sit by myself. Sometimes I get into such a hermit mode, answering a text message becomes overwhelming. Most days I just force myself. I force myself to talk to people, to hang out, to be normal. It's not even that I don't like the people I'm talking to, it's just that I don't want to do ANYTHING. I used to write all the time. I'd play guitar every single day... and years ago I actually had a sketch book that I drew in every day! Now I just sit and think about doing it. I complain to myself about how lazy I'm being, but then I continue to do nothing. The only reason I still continue to write occasionally is because of my band... thank god for that... but I used to do things just for me. I used to write poetry, songs, short stories, and I had even started working on a play. Now... it's nothing. It's simply ideas that stay locked in my head that maybe someday I'll write down on paper. I've had a book idea sitting on my brain for YEARS now. I've mentally written the first few sentences hundreds and hundreds of times. I've changed the plot, thought about the research I'll have to do to make it accurate, but still... years and YEARS later... it sits as simply an idea.
I need to change. I don't want to keep repeating the same cycle of me regretting all the things I DIDN'T do. I need to stop making excuses and just do something, ANYTHING, that I used to really enjoy doing. I don't want to be in my 30's and think about all the time I've wasted in my 20's. I don't want to have another entry 10 years from now still bitching about the same things. Ugh... I will... and I think working through my depression will help get the ball rolling.
Alright, so with the above paragraph being somewhat of a disclaimer, I shall begin...
After reading my past blogs I toyed with the idea of going back to livejournal. It was actually really interesting being able to go back and see what was I doing or thinking about years ago. Even though most of my entries made me look completely stupid and naive, it was still fun to read. So I started thinking about THIS blog... when you go back and read some of these if only gives you a vague idea of where I was or what I was thinking about. My future self wouldn't really be reminded of where EXACTLY my head was at. I'm still weary about publicly displaying my thoughts. Livejournal has a lot of privacy settings, and I really don't think blogger has any. Not only that, but who the hell cares what the fuck I'm thinking? Who actually REALLY reads this? And why do I feel the need to blast my emo-ness over the internet? The answer, I have no idea. It actually makes me feel like kind of an attention whore... which isn't my intention at all. I know that next to no one reads this, ESPECIALLY if the entry is long (which this one will be)... but for those of you who do I want you to be able to get me and hopefully understand what goes on inside my head. Does that even make sense? Doesn't that make me MORE of an attention whore? Probably... but whatever.
I just recently celebrated my 24th birthday and I think that has sent my head into an almost-quarter-of-my-life-crisis. This growing old thing is scary. Birthday's are starting to become more of a burden than something I look forward to every year. After I hit 25 I really don't have anything else to look forward to. Next year I'll be able to rent a car and my insurance will go down.... Wow. I'll be a full blown adult. TERRIFYING! My whole life has been this big rush to grow up, but now I find myself wishing that it was somehow possible to go backwards... or stay stagnant. Lucky for me, I can still fool people into thinking I'm 16, but not my head... my head knows.... and my head thinks I'm stupid and old.
I feel like I passed up so many opportunities in order to push myself faster into adulthood. Instead of attending a "normal" college I chose the fast track. Senior year of high school hit and I decided school just wasn't for me. The laziness started to set in, but my art teachers convinced me to at least do SOMETHING. All the years prior I was SO SET on going to REAL college... attending the four years and emerging with a bachelors.... but no. Instead I found McIntosh College, a little gem of a non-existent school that was in Dover (Yes that's right kids, my fake little school doesn't even exist anymore). It was fast, I didn't have to take math, my best friend could come with me, and I'd be done and working in no time. THEN it seemed like a fantastic idea, but NOW I want to go back in time and punch me in the face. I look at where my sister is now (at PSU) and I would KILL to be able to go back and choose a similar path. When I was up for her birthday in October and went to the parties it made me sad that I essentially passed all that up so my ass could sit in a cubicle. Good decision, Sam... good job. In my freshmen and sophomore year I was set on going to school in Boston... in junior year I was all geared up to go to NHIA in Manchester... but somehow I ended up in Dover, New Hampshire, going to a "fake" wannabe of a college... and got my associates in 15 months. I often wonder how different things would have been had I chose to actually (wo)man up and go to real college. I probably would have had a great time. I probably would have actually made friends in REAL college instead of the 10 people that I somewhat talked to but now don't exist to (with at least one exception) at McIntosh. But I digress, the past is the past and there is really nothing I can do to change it now... It just frustrates me seeing how much I get in my own way.
I've come a long way since high school and college. I am so completely different from who I was. Some of that is good, and some of it is bad. I'm so much more open minded to things. I'm WAY more social and not as ruled by my fears. But I am such a lazy piece of shit. Once I was in a "real" job I gained 15 pounds. Even though I lost it (though NOT in a healthy way at first), it has taken me until this year to really get my shit together and realize I need to be more active. Not only have I become physically lazy, I've become mentally lazy too. I feel like a LOT of this has to do with my ongoing battle with anxiety and depression. I get into moods where I just don't want to function... where I really want to turn of my head and sit by myself. Sometimes I get into such a hermit mode, answering a text message becomes overwhelming. Most days I just force myself. I force myself to talk to people, to hang out, to be normal. It's not even that I don't like the people I'm talking to, it's just that I don't want to do ANYTHING. I used to write all the time. I'd play guitar every single day... and years ago I actually had a sketch book that I drew in every day! Now I just sit and think about doing it. I complain to myself about how lazy I'm being, but then I continue to do nothing. The only reason I still continue to write occasionally is because of my band... thank god for that... but I used to do things just for me. I used to write poetry, songs, short stories, and I had even started working on a play. Now... it's nothing. It's simply ideas that stay locked in my head that maybe someday I'll write down on paper. I've had a book idea sitting on my brain for YEARS now. I've mentally written the first few sentences hundreds and hundreds of times. I've changed the plot, thought about the research I'll have to do to make it accurate, but still... years and YEARS later... it sits as simply an idea.
I need to change. I don't want to keep repeating the same cycle of me regretting all the things I DIDN'T do. I need to stop making excuses and just do something, ANYTHING, that I used to really enjoy doing. I don't want to be in my 30's and think about all the time I've wasted in my 20's. I don't want to have another entry 10 years from now still bitching about the same things. Ugh... I will... and I think working through my depression will help get the ball rolling.
30 December, 2009
Ah, 2009...
Even though I technically still have another day and a half or so left of 2009, I think now is as good a time as any to write my reflection on another year past.
Woah, where did it go!? Am I the only one who feels like this year completely flew by? It seems like the older I get the faster time goes (except for right now of course; my job slows down time itself). I've been thinking about this entry for a few days now, trying to remember the lessons I've learned and things I've experienced, and all I can think is, "DAMN! 2009 is over already?!" This is a little scary. Before I know it I'll be 30, and that's terrifying... Though now is not the time for fears, now is the time to enlighten you with the things I have come to discover about myself and life in general this year.
Well, last year I vowed not to be lazy... whoops! I still am, but I am actually trying to be slightly more proactive about my laziness. I've been going to the gym almost every week with Noelle since, I want to say, October... end of September? Either way, I'm there and actually enjoying myself. I am still unhealthily obsessed with my weight, unfortunately. Though I am proud that I have been able to keep myself at relatively the same size for over a year now. I can actually fit into (some) size 7 jeans for the first time since I started working (and porkin' out) at The Teeg. The most exciting moment was a month ago when I ALMOST fit into a size 5... someday... maybe 2010. I've come to the point where I really just want to be healthy. I've never been able to run a mile without wanting to kill myself and everyone around me, so I'd really like to be able to do that someday. Plus, the more in shape I am, the easier is it to have a good stage presence. It may not seem like it, but rockin' out takes a lot out of you!
My band, oh sweet jesus, my band... I love them to death, but we have all come to realize a band relationship is probably one of the hardest ones to have. We've had a lot of ups and downs, we've had some absolutely insane (good and bad) experiences (Alliance Fest being towards the top of the crazy list), but we have had a fantastic year. As we approach our 2nd anniversary, I can't even believe how far we've come. I am so unbelievably excited for our new CD and to start off this new year with them. I have a really good feeling about everything...
My friends (including Corey) have also had a huge impact on my year as well. I've become closer to some, further away from others, reconnected with some and made new ones... And I can't say that I'm terribly disappointed with the way everything has worked out. I am so thankful to have so many great people in my life. Some of you have helped me in more ways than you'll ever know (I hope you know who you are), and for that I will always show you the exact same treatment you've shown me. When I tell a person, "I am here for you," I mean it. I genuinely care about all of you and appreciate every single little thing you've done for me. Having you all in my life has made this year even more exciting.
So I guess now I should reflect a little on me. This year I have conquered my number one fear, flying. And you know what? It wasn't that bad. I mean, being in a tube in the air is a terrifying idea in itself, but somehow it felt safe enough. I still don't think I could handle more than a 6 hour flight just because I get so restless. There's only so long you can sit there idly facing the seat in front of you before you want to start screaming. Turbulence... not a big fan of, but flying was totally worth it. I finally made it on a big trip, I finally saw the west coast, and I am FINALLY no longer afraid to fly. I'm taking slow little baby steps to rid myself of anxiety. I've made a few huge steps forwards, but there have also been steps back. I think the key is to keep trying. I really don't want to live this way forever. If there was something that I learned from the California trip it was that you cannot live your life in fear. The only way to get over something is to face it, and now that I've done that, I'm willing to push things aside so I can actually LIVE my life.
So for 2010 I don't think I'm going to make any sort of resolution. Every year I always end up learning and experiencing so much. There are definitely things I want to do, like continuing to travel (I'm supposed to be going to the Bahamas, pretty excited), continuing to exercise (including working on strengthening my back muscles so maybe someday I wont be in excruciating pain), continuing to evolve with my band, and to continue to work on my depression and anxiety.
Life is a constant struggle, it tests you and every so often rewards you with something you never expected. I'm an extremely pessimistic person, but this past year I have been trying to look at things (especially myself) in a new, brighter light. Corey has helped a lot with that. He's constantly trying to help me see all the good in the world and myself and I can never express to him how much it helps me, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it.
I'm definitely both excited and anxious to see what 2010 holds. I know there will be bad, but I also know that despite any situation I may face the good is never too far behind. So bring it 2010...
I'm ready for you.
Woah, where did it go!? Am I the only one who feels like this year completely flew by? It seems like the older I get the faster time goes (except for right now of course; my job slows down time itself). I've been thinking about this entry for a few days now, trying to remember the lessons I've learned and things I've experienced, and all I can think is, "DAMN! 2009 is over already?!" This is a little scary. Before I know it I'll be 30, and that's terrifying... Though now is not the time for fears, now is the time to enlighten you with the things I have come to discover about myself and life in general this year.
Well, last year I vowed not to be lazy... whoops! I still am, but I am actually trying to be slightly more proactive about my laziness. I've been going to the gym almost every week with Noelle since, I want to say, October... end of September? Either way, I'm there and actually enjoying myself. I am still unhealthily obsessed with my weight, unfortunately. Though I am proud that I have been able to keep myself at relatively the same size for over a year now. I can actually fit into (some) size 7 jeans for the first time since I started working (and porkin' out) at The Teeg. The most exciting moment was a month ago when I ALMOST fit into a size 5... someday... maybe 2010. I've come to the point where I really just want to be healthy. I've never been able to run a mile without wanting to kill myself and everyone around me, so I'd really like to be able to do that someday. Plus, the more in shape I am, the easier is it to have a good stage presence. It may not seem like it, but rockin' out takes a lot out of you!
My band, oh sweet jesus, my band... I love them to death, but we have all come to realize a band relationship is probably one of the hardest ones to have. We've had a lot of ups and downs, we've had some absolutely insane (good and bad) experiences (Alliance Fest being towards the top of the crazy list), but we have had a fantastic year. As we approach our 2nd anniversary, I can't even believe how far we've come. I am so unbelievably excited for our new CD and to start off this new year with them. I have a really good feeling about everything...
My friends (including Corey) have also had a huge impact on my year as well. I've become closer to some, further away from others, reconnected with some and made new ones... And I can't say that I'm terribly disappointed with the way everything has worked out. I am so thankful to have so many great people in my life. Some of you have helped me in more ways than you'll ever know (I hope you know who you are), and for that I will always show you the exact same treatment you've shown me. When I tell a person, "I am here for you," I mean it. I genuinely care about all of you and appreciate every single little thing you've done for me. Having you all in my life has made this year even more exciting.
So I guess now I should reflect a little on me. This year I have conquered my number one fear, flying. And you know what? It wasn't that bad. I mean, being in a tube in the air is a terrifying idea in itself, but somehow it felt safe enough. I still don't think I could handle more than a 6 hour flight just because I get so restless. There's only so long you can sit there idly facing the seat in front of you before you want to start screaming. Turbulence... not a big fan of, but flying was totally worth it. I finally made it on a big trip, I finally saw the west coast, and I am FINALLY no longer afraid to fly. I'm taking slow little baby steps to rid myself of anxiety. I've made a few huge steps forwards, but there have also been steps back. I think the key is to keep trying. I really don't want to live this way forever. If there was something that I learned from the California trip it was that you cannot live your life in fear. The only way to get over something is to face it, and now that I've done that, I'm willing to push things aside so I can actually LIVE my life.
So for 2010 I don't think I'm going to make any sort of resolution. Every year I always end up learning and experiencing so much. There are definitely things I want to do, like continuing to travel (I'm supposed to be going to the Bahamas, pretty excited), continuing to exercise (including working on strengthening my back muscles so maybe someday I wont be in excruciating pain), continuing to evolve with my band, and to continue to work on my depression and anxiety.
Life is a constant struggle, it tests you and every so often rewards you with something you never expected. I'm an extremely pessimistic person, but this past year I have been trying to look at things (especially myself) in a new, brighter light. Corey has helped a lot with that. He's constantly trying to help me see all the good in the world and myself and I can never express to him how much it helps me, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it.
I'm definitely both excited and anxious to see what 2010 holds. I know there will be bad, but I also know that despite any situation I may face the good is never too far behind. So bring it 2010...
I'm ready for you.
30 November, 2009
To my Abbie
It was like she chose us, and as cliche as that sounds, it was almost serendipitus the way she entered our lives. Tired and disappointed from a day of puppy searching at the local shelters, my family and I had accepted defeat and given up, but then out of nowhere there she was. A happy, bounding, white ball of energy on her way back into the shelter. Jenny, her name at the time, was about to re-enter the Salem Animal Shelter because her owner realized she didn't have the time to care for her, but lucky for her she was quickly scooped up and accepted into the Angelo family. Now, when you're an Angelo dog you are no longer just a dog, you are a new and welcomed member of the family. You are spoiled and loved like any other human child. We are no "speciests" in my household, if you are alive you are loved.
Jenny became Abbie, and even on the car ride home, we realized that we were in for one hell of a puppy stage. She had endless amounts of energy and always seemed to be chewing on something, especially my hand. She had many accidents in the house, but lucky for us she was smart, most likely due to her Border Collie genes. Soon enough she was trained, and joined by two other massive, fluffy white dogs. We were a family, dogs and all.
Two days before Thanksgiving I received a call from my mother informing me of her deteriorating state. Coombs disease, she said. While I was concerned, I was very optimistic. She was only nine years old, all the Angelo dogs have lasted until they were at least fifteen. Abbie was sick, not dying, and this "wonder pill," as it was so called, would fix her. With no real doubts in my mind, I hung up the phone and kept my dog-sister in my thoughts.
Thanksgiving came and only then did the doubts start to come. Our once very energetic, alpha dog lay motionless and tired on her bed. I sat with her for a while, gently petting the graying fur on her face, hoping to somehow psychically take away her pain and make her better. The bones on her head, which I had never felt before, were very apparent, and obviously due to very rapid weight loss from the disease. My own dog, Valo, must have sensed something was wrong because even in her excited, puppy romp, she avoided touching Abbie when she was usually the first dog to get a big dose of Valo in the face. But still, even with the minor doubts I was feeling after seeing her, I still kept an optimistic view on the whole situation. The "wonder pill" will work, no worries. So as Corey and I left for his parents, I realized I had forgotten to say goodbye to the dogs, which is my normal routine. I thought of Abbie, and for a brief second hoped it wasn't the last chance I had. No, everything will be fine and I will visit on the weekend just to be sure she's feeling better.
But only a mear 24 hours later, that wasn't the case. She had died the day after Thanksgiving surrounded by my family. I know most people think, "Oh it's just a dog," but not to me. No dog I've ever owned was just a dog, they were my family, someone I loved with the same intensity I have for any other human being. Her death leaves an empty hole in my heart just as it would if I had lost anyone else. I feel guilty for not saying goodbye, something I do every time I go to my parents. What possessed me to break routine then? Still, I am happy she is no longer in pain. The disease crippled her, made her into a dog I could not bare to see suffer. Though in my selfish heart, I wish she had more time. Nine is much too young for a dog to die.
So this is my memorial to my dog, my sister, who, though she is no longer living, will always be in my thoughts. I will still love her everyday my soul is alive, with the same intensity I had while she was alive. I love you, Abbie, and I'll see you again someday.
25 November, 2009
Thankful.
I just discovered new features to my little blog thing. You can now "follow" my blog... so totally do that all 8 of you :) Kay?
I have so many things in my life that I am incredibly thankful for. Here's just a few:
• Corey... for being my constant companion, for not giving up on me, for making me feel beautiful and loved... and for caring about me.
• Ali... for being my sister, best friend and a reason to keep on living.
• My friends... for always making me feel loved, beautiful and cared about.
• My family... for always loving me, listening to me, helping me and always supporting me in my decisions, even if they don't agree.
• My band... for being my creative outlet and for allowing me to be a part of such a crazy, fun and intense rollercoaster ride.
• My dog and cat... for being excited to see me every single day, and for all of the unconditional love they have for me.
• My car... for holding up quite nicely :)
• My job... even though we have our disagreements, I'm glad you're still deciding to pay me.
• The internet... for being my remedy for boredom and for helping me connect and reconnect with so many amazing people.
I hope you all know how much you mean to me. Every nice word, every joke, every hang out provides me with what I need to continue on every day. I appreciate everything everyone has done and said, and I make sure I give you all back everything you give me. You all mean the world to me.
Happy Thanksgiving :)
I have so many things in my life that I am incredibly thankful for. Here's just a few:
• Corey... for being my constant companion, for not giving up on me, for making me feel beautiful and loved... and for caring about me.
• Ali... for being my sister, best friend and a reason to keep on living.
• My friends... for always making me feel loved, beautiful and cared about.
• My family... for always loving me, listening to me, helping me and always supporting me in my decisions, even if they don't agree.
• My band... for being my creative outlet and for allowing me to be a part of such a crazy, fun and intense rollercoaster ride.
• My dog and cat... for being excited to see me every single day, and for all of the unconditional love they have for me.
• My car... for holding up quite nicely :)
• My job... even though we have our disagreements, I'm glad you're still deciding to pay me.
• The internet... for being my remedy for boredom and for helping me connect and reconnect with so many amazing people.
I hope you all know how much you mean to me. Every nice word, every joke, every hang out provides me with what I need to continue on every day. I appreciate everything everyone has done and said, and I make sure I give you all back everything you give me. You all mean the world to me.
Happy Thanksgiving :)
05 November, 2009
Wow.
I've spent a lot of time reading over my past journal entries. Not the ones in this journal, but the OLD ones... like high school and college ones. I can't believe how much has changed. As I was reading I was tempted to leave myself a comment or two, like maybe somehow it would travel through time and reach my past self. The journals made me realize how many mistakes I have made, and how much I have learned from them, for the most part. Even in just the past few years I have grown and molded myself into such a completely different person, and hopefully with the help of my past self, I will never make those mistakes again. I found myself becoming aggravated at the past Sam, wanting to yell through time and somehow make her hear me. I made SO MANY stupid, stupid mistakes. I wasted so much time on things that I could never, ever change, and made promises that I never fulfilled. I found myself feeling bad for past me, feeling angry with her. Why didn't she listen to anyone? Why didn't she listen to her own instincts? Why didn't she ever just relax? But damn, in a sense, I'm glad I went through all that. I needed to because now, at the ripe old age of 23, I feel like maybe I have actually learned my lesson. "Seeing" me going through all of the mental struggles has made me never, ever want to put myself in those kind of positions ever again. And if somehow my comments made it through time to the past Sam, my entire world would be different... and as much as I complain now I really don't know if I want my life to be so dramatically altered from what it is right now. Yes, there are some things I wish I had not done, and some that I wish I had, but who knows what kind of person I would be today if those wishes had come true.
I think what I'm realizing now, and have been for the past few entries, is that I really am in control of my own life. I can make all the dreams I have come true, and I am the only person who can allow myself to experience real happiness. It's obvious from my past entries that I become blinded by all the bad in my life which makes it almost impossible to see the good all around me. Only until later down the road do I stop and realize all the good that was there the whole time unbeknownst to me. I am still young, I still have so much to experience, and I shouldn't be wasting any second of any of my days left on this earth wallowing in my own self pity. The world is full of good and bad, things always get better, and you never, ever know what is right around the corner. Life is exciting, full of surprises, and I really am excited to see what is in store for me.
I think what I'm realizing now, and have been for the past few entries, is that I really am in control of my own life. I can make all the dreams I have come true, and I am the only person who can allow myself to experience real happiness. It's obvious from my past entries that I become blinded by all the bad in my life which makes it almost impossible to see the good all around me. Only until later down the road do I stop and realize all the good that was there the whole time unbeknownst to me. I am still young, I still have so much to experience, and I shouldn't be wasting any second of any of my days left on this earth wallowing in my own self pity. The world is full of good and bad, things always get better, and you never, ever know what is right around the corner. Life is exciting, full of surprises, and I really am excited to see what is in store for me.
22 October, 2009
Who are You?
It seems as if life is a constant struggle to find out exactly who we are. But what if... what if we already know. What if there is no ultimate conclusion, no miraculous discovery of self. What if the whole time we are searching, it is already there staring blankly back at us in the mirror everyday. I myself guilty of this soul searching, this cliche phrase, but after reading something... I can't recall what, but I think it was lyrics... about how someone needed to find themselves, that they didn't know who they were, I began to think about how silly that phrase is. I mean, really, we do know who we are. Sometimes we just hide it from ourselves, deny the horrible parts of our personalities that we don't want to accept and think that others don't see. But really look at yourself; really look at that phrase. If we had no idea who we were how could we possibly make the simplest of choices, whether that be a wardrobe choice or ordering from a menu. I know, and most of you know, that I don't like meat... therefor I am a vegetarian. I know that I don't like Abercrombie and Fitch... I know that I prefer rock music to rap, prefer thought out lyrics to ones about "bitches," I know all sorts of things about myself! So what am I searching for? Why do I continue to use the phrase, "I don't even know who I am" when really I do... Perhaps it's not the self we are searching for, the self being the parts of our personality we have yet to discover, but rather we are searching for the self we want to be. Maybe the "self" we're referring to is the person we saw ourselves being from a young age, or the person we want to live as. Maybe trying to find who we are indicates the struggle we face everyday to escape the monotony of our somewhat boring lives. Like for me, finding who I am would be finding a way of life that makes me happy everyday, finally becoming that person who I'm striving so hard to be...
But if that's not what finding yourself really means, then will someday everything become clear to me? Will I understand my purpose? What if there is none? How much time will be wasted in the hopes for some sort of self discovery when it all might be passing us by? What if this is it? This is life, this is who you are, there is no real purpose other than to live and enjoy the only shot you have at living your life. Is that such a bad thing? I don't think so. I know I've learned quite a bit about myself and others in the past 23 years. This discovery of self, this idea of finding out who you are, seems like it's just a phrase to motivate you, to maybe bring you out of your little bubble and let you really experience life for what it is. Life. Living... breathing... surviving... learning. Let's all find ourselves in hopes of living a life to the fullest extent.
But if that's not what finding yourself really means, then will someday everything become clear to me? Will I understand my purpose? What if there is none? How much time will be wasted in the hopes for some sort of self discovery when it all might be passing us by? What if this is it? This is life, this is who you are, there is no real purpose other than to live and enjoy the only shot you have at living your life. Is that such a bad thing? I don't think so. I know I've learned quite a bit about myself and others in the past 23 years. This discovery of self, this idea of finding out who you are, seems like it's just a phrase to motivate you, to maybe bring you out of your little bubble and let you really experience life for what it is. Life. Living... breathing... surviving... learning. Let's all find ourselves in hopes of living a life to the fullest extent.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
