Who wouldn't stand inside your love?

If you look to your right (and scroll down) you will see something new. Oh yes, my friends, that is what you think it is. I've held off on that awful twitter thing for so long, but it all came to an end because of that damn Mighty Boosh. I noticed on their twitter they were in New York City a few days prior to me seeing the "tweet," premiering a documentary that was made about them called, Journey of the Childmen: The Mighty Boosh on Tour. It was then that I decided I will NOT be out of the loop ever again, and got myself a fancy little twitter. So yes, I blame The Mighty Boosh. I WILL see them in person at least once in my lifetime, and hopefully I wont miss out again.

So the whole Mighty Boosh obsession came back after I dream I had about, who other than, Noel Fielding. My subconscious mind is obviously still a fan girl. In the dream Noel, Julian Barratt (Howard), Corey (I think it was Corey), and I were eating at some sort of diner. I was sitting next to Corey at first, but slowly gravitated towards Noel as our conversation become more in depth. We were discussing his artwork, and artwork in general (I think). I'm pretty sure at one point we started talking about vegetarianism (I just recently read somewhere that he's a vegetarian... who knows if that's true).

Anywayyy, much like every dream I ever have, somewhere during it there was a creepy house and a body of water. The spiritual part of me feels like there has to be some sort of reason behind this. For a few years now every single dream I have consists of those two things. Sometimes they are in different forms, for example, the body of water could range from an ocean to a stream, and the creepy house could be a mansion or just a shack in the woods. But despite the form, they are always there.

I tried looking it up, but it's all pretty vague. Here's what www.thecuriousdreamer.com had to say about the water thing:

A body of water such as an ocean, lake, etc. can represent:

• The context of your life—meaning the setting and situations within which the your life takes place—"your world"
• The unknown or a huge, deep area that you feel holds secrets 

Water can have many different meanings, depending on context:

• Satisfaction or quenching
• Ability to adapt or accommodate, as water assumes the shape of its container.
• Pervasiveness or ability to have far reaching effects, as water naturally flows and spreads into its surroundings
• Water that is flowing or changing shape can represent change, transformation, or movement forward in the dreamer's life—possibly out of the dreamer's control

And here is what it had to say about houses:

A house, apartment, flat, or any place of residence often represents you or your life, even if the dream residence does not resemble your actual residence. The events in the dream residence may represent events in your life. A house can also represent security, comfort, protection, familiarity, or belonging.
Also consider the mood and condition of the house (a dreary house might represent depression or sadness, a house with missing windows might represent personal boundary issues, etc.) and anything that particularly stands out about the house.

Well, the water one is pretty vague, and almost every dream symbol website has vague answers, but the house one I can see. The condition of the house I'm in is usually abandoned, messy, dark, and I always have an overall feeling of dread... Which, according to the paragraph above, means I'm depressed...

OR... dreams could just be dreams and not have any sort of meaning at all. I just find it odd that I've dreamt about the same things for years now....

What if all the world you think you know is an elaborate dream?

I was stuck behind a school bus today. I was driving back to work from my lunch break, and it was like fate itself wanted to help me procrastinate. It was one of those bus routes where they stopped at every single street. Normally I would be annoyed, but since I was on my way back into cubicle hell I looked at it as a little bit of a blessing. Remember that feeling of stepping off the school bus? For me it was usually a good one, a freeing feeling, especially during the warmer months. It's kind of how I feel when I get into my car after work, though not as strong.

But now-a-days I find myself unable to be as excited for anything as much as I was. Every time I think about that I'm reminded of a scene in Knocked Up where the main character is talking to his baby-mama's brother in-law about his kids. The two guys are sitting in a park watching the kids play with bubbles and the brother in-law says something about how he wishes he could be as excited about anything like his kids are about bubbles. That's exactly the way I feel.

I remember seeing Orgy for the first (and only) time. I honestly don't think I have been more excited for something in my entire life thus far. I was about to see my favorite band ever LIVE, in person. I was sharing the same room with five guys I knew a ridiculous (and somewhat embarrassing) amount of information about, men that I basically worshiped. I was so excited when they took the stage my heart could have burst. Now fast forward from then to a few years ago. I was standing in line on the tour bus that held two of the former members of Orgy. One of those men being Amir Derakh, one of my personal musical idols, and both of those men being the reason I decided to pick up a guitar in the first place. I was leaning on their tour bus about to speak with them face to face, and all I could think about was how much more excited I should have been. My 14 year old self would have been crying, but the 22 year old woman could only manage an excited smile. Don't get me wrong, I am so, so happy I had the chance to talk to them, hug them, and see for myself that they were actual people... but the lack of excitement for the whole situation was pretty shocking to me.

Every time I go to a concert, am about to meet someone famous, do something crazy that I've never done before... I'm never as excited as I should be... as I WOULD HAVE been. Which always begs me to ask the question... Why? What is wrong with me? I miss being overly excited. I loved that feeling. Is this just a sign that I'm slowly becoming more apathetic as time passes? Is this what adulthood is supposed to feel like because I don't like it. I feel like life is beating me down into mental submission.... like I have to be somewhat numb to be able to get through the rest of it. Perhaps it's pessimism manifesting itself in a different way... Sucking every positive thought or happy action right out of my head... Reminding me subconsciously that nothing really awesome happens to me...

....Oooor maybe I'm reading WAY too much into it. Either way, I should still probably try to work on that pessimism thing.... and that depression thing... so I can maybe start to feel the excitement in life like I used to.

Slacker

So that whole updating regularly thing? Not so sure that's going to happen. I have such a hard time thinking about what I should write about on here. I'm not so sure what I want to share with the general public, and that's the primary reason for my hesitation. I have yet to find any privacy settings on this site, and every time I think about writing in my livejournal I suddenly feel 16... and angsty. I think that's what livejournal is supposed to do to you... and I'm not sure I like it.

Anywayyyy... here's a little update:

Summer has begun, and that makes me a happy panda. I'm so excited to do everything summer related, but haven't really had the time to enjoy it yet. I've been playing shows non stop since the end of May so my entire schedule has revolved around that. This past weekend was the first time in a while where I had nothing to do and nowhere to be... and oh yes, I was very lazy. I have a good excuse for my laziness though... it was rainy... And who wants to do summery things in the rain? Not this girl. I also think I might be getting sick because I slept 90% of the weekend away and was still tired. Excuses aside, I can't wait to get into full summer mode. Carnivals, amusement parks (even though I don't participate in the rides I still like the atmosphere), lakes, hiking, the beach, summer shows (local and national), swimming, canoeing, biking, the lake house, bon fires... oh yeah... and VEGAS.

Summer and the end of spring are my second favorite times of the year... a close second to the beginning and middle of fall (which I'm also very much looking forward to). For some reason, those whole chunks of the year always cause me to reflect upon my life. I become very contemplative and sometimes over analytical of everything, not that I'm not like that ALL year long, but during this time it's amplified. Maybe it's the leftover Pavlov effect on my brain, every year right around this time I was set free from the binds of school life and was able to enjoy almost 3 months of freedom. The first sight of green and nice, warm weather instantly sends my brain into slacker mode, into flight mode, constantly scheming up ways to find some sort of freedom from the robotic, monotonous working world. But no. I'm stuck. Held back by that horrible, HORRIBLE thing called responsibility. Sometimes I wish my parents were rich. My Daddy (or Mommy) takes care of me and buys my house... and my car... and all my pretty things... and like a little Paris Hilton, I could just sit back, relax, party, and travel. But instead, I was taught responsibility.

At this point, I've pretty much come to terms that I'm stuck in the working world for (at least) 40 more years. Though part of me is hoping that it wont be this hard, boring, monotonous, and at times STUPID, forever. I want to find something that doesn't feel like work, but don't we all. I'd like to think that it's not completely impossible. Ideally, I'd really like this music thing to work out... but if it doesn't I'd like to be doing something else that I at least enjoy. Designing is okay, but I do not understand how people do this for a lifelong career. I've only been in the business for almost 5 years and I'm almost completely burnt out. Maybe it's the job. Maybe if I had something else I'd have this amazing flow of creativity return to me. But as for right now, I'm running on empty... running on creative fumes... and it's actually pretty upsetting.

So what in the HELL am I going to do? This is my current dilemma. And I'm hoping to find a solution to this very, very soon.

Positive Thought of the Day #1

Right around the time when I first started this blog I was at the peak of my weight gain (rounding the corner of 140). I remember making a goal that by the time I went to London I wanted to be back down to 118. Well, I never made it to London, but currently that is how much I weigh. For the first time in a very long time I'm starting to accept my body. I've been working pretty hard, especially the past month or so, to get myself in some sort of shape and to try and be more active. When I stepped on the scale Saturday I couldn't have been more proud of myself. Now comes the hard part, NOT gaining anything back. I'm not one of those girls who can eat/(not) do whatever she wants. A couple of bad eating days and I can gain 5 pounds like THAT. My ultimate goal is 110, but for now I'm definitely proud that I've made it this far.

Here Comes the Sun

There are few things in this world I love more than lying out in the sun, staring towards the sky, smelling the scent of freshly cut grass and things cooking on the grill, and feeling the cool breeze surround me. No matter what kind of mood I may have been in prior to that moment, it is quickly replaced by the most amazing feeling of calm... Zen.... happiness. If I could somehow live constantly in those moments I would be a very, very happy lady.

I know I'm of negativity, but starting now, I'm going to attempt to shed some of the pessimism that clings to my mind like a parasite.

A while back, my aunt and mom got into that "The Secret" craziness. They bought me the book to read, but I couldn't really handle it. I don't usually do too well with the whole self help book thing. More often than not, I get a quarter of the way through it and decide that it doesn't apply to me... Or in the case of my anger management book... it just made me more angry (because it was a terrible book with terrible advice, written by awful therapists). "The Secret" was too culty sounding to me, but I guess I can apply the ideas to my new found optimism. For those of you who don't know, the book explains that if you think positively (and truly believe it), positive things will happen to you. And, like the movie What the Bleep: Down the Rabbit Hole (awesome movie, watch it), it kind of holds you responsible for the (negative) things that happen in your life. I've always had a hard time accepting that... and I still do. I mean, how can I seriously bring all that negativity on myself? Am I like a force field? Is "god" or fate (or whatever the hell ultimately created the universe) doing it just to spite me? My theory on being pessimistic has always been if you never think anything good is going to happen to you, you wont be disappointed. But you know what? Even though I already assume the worst, when the worst actually happens, I am still disappointed... So I guess I have a serious flaw in my theory here.

I honestly want to believe that good things will happen to me, but when I'm constantly disappointed it's hard to see the positives. But at the same time, I do have a lot of great things in my life, and good things have actually happened to me... My pessimism actually bothers people, which I don't want to do. So I guess now is as good a time as any to start adding some more optimism into my life. I don't think I'll ever shed ALL my pessimistic views, but it would be nice to be slightly less cynical.

Like an apple.

The older I get the more bitter towards society I become. It's getting to the point where I'm not even surprised by the things people do or say. Not too long ago I would have been appalled by the actions of so many of the people in my life, but not anymore. The only way to survive the disappointment is to learn to never expect anything from anyone. People are selfish. They are too lost inside themselves to even begin to think about the emotions of others. Every so often you find one of those selfless people, but they are a dying breed. They too are being corrupted by the heartlessness of society and will soon shrink back into their own bodies and protect what they know can't hurt them. Remember the phrase, "treat others as you wish to be treated?" No? Oh, yes, that would explain a lot... This phrase needs to be studied and repeated over and over and over again by a big handful of the people out there. That is how I had decided to live, but now, after so many times of having my heart snapped in half by the people I have gone out of my way for, I'm starting to pick and choose who deserves that kind of treatment. I've been fooled by a great number of people into thinking that their feelings are genuine... that they would do anything for me. But when that time comes, where are they? They are doing whatever best suits their own needs and I am nowhere to be found.

When Corey and I first got together I was taken back by how bitter he was towards other people, but now I completely understand. He would say something negative about someone he was weary about and 9 times out of 10 he was dead on. I used to think I was an excellent judge of character, but now I see how flawed that kind of thinking was. And as pessimistic as I found Corey's views on people, it unfortunately proves true most of the time.

It's sad when you think about it. The good ones are so few and far between, so how do you know who you can trust? It's terrifying. I'm so tired of giving my all to people who could give less than a fuck about me, but how am I supposed to know who's going to appreciate the things I do? I'm so concerned about what people think about me. I hate to be known as a bitch, so most of the time I try to prove to people that I'm not, but why do I care? I try to help people out, I try to show people that they are cared about, and in return I get excuses. I get ignored. I rarely get the respect back that I give out and it's exhausting.

I'm in the process of reprogramming my brain. Instead of feeling bad about something I have done (or not done), I think about what that particular person has done to me and I try not to care. I find it extremely sad that apathy has become my ultimate social goal. It's depressing to think that my usual "thinking the best of everyone" attitude is turning into being overly skeptical and pessimistic towards every new (and old) person I meet. Is this necessarily the right path to take? I think I need to find some sort of middle ground before I build up a huge shell again and become this bitter mess of a person. I'm just so tired of being disappointed... So, so tired of rude, selfish assholes....and I just wish this world wasn't as disgusting as I hoped it wouldn't be.

U-Turn

I had originally started this blog as an outlet for creative thought. It was supposed to be a place for well thought out, nicely written entries and not so much for bitching or telling you about my day. Unfortunately, since I'm trying NOT to bitch, I never blog... and I feel like not writing at all is probably not a good thing for me. I already feel like my brain is on vacation... like I'm on auto pilot... so I'm going to slightly alter the direction of this blog. Back to bitching and daily updates we go, my friends :)

Alright, so with the above paragraph being somewhat of a disclaimer, I shall begin...

After reading my past blogs I toyed with the idea of going back to livejournal. It was actually really interesting being able to go back and see what was I doing or thinking about years ago. Even though most of my entries made me look completely stupid and naive, it was still fun to read. So I started thinking about THIS blog... when you go back and read some of these if only gives you a vague idea of where I was or what I was thinking about. My future self wouldn't really be reminded of where EXACTLY my head was at. I'm still weary about publicly displaying my thoughts. Livejournal has a lot of privacy settings, and I really don't think blogger has any. Not only that, but who the hell cares what the fuck I'm thinking? Who actually REALLY reads this? And why do I feel the need to blast my emo-ness over the internet? The answer, I have no idea. It actually makes me feel like kind of an attention whore... which isn't my intention at all. I know that next to no one reads this, ESPECIALLY if the entry is long (which this one will be)... but for those of you who do I want you to be able to get me and hopefully understand what goes on inside my head. Does that even make sense? Doesn't that make me MORE of an attention whore? Probably... but whatever.

I just recently celebrated my 24th birthday and I think that has sent my head into an almost-quarter-of-my-life-crisis. This growing old thing is scary. Birthday's are starting to become more of a burden than something I look forward to every year. After I hit 25 I really don't have anything else to look forward to. Next year I'll be able to rent a car and my insurance will go down.... Wow. I'll be a full blown adult. TERRIFYING! My whole life has been this big rush to grow up, but now I find myself wishing that it was somehow possible to go backwards... or stay stagnant. Lucky for me, I can still fool people into thinking I'm 16, but not my head... my head knows.... and my head thinks I'm stupid and old.

I feel like I passed up so many opportunities in order to push myself faster into adulthood. Instead of attending a "normal" college I chose the fast track. Senior year of high school hit and I decided school just wasn't for me. The laziness started to set in, but my art teachers convinced me to at least do SOMETHING. All the years prior I was SO SET on going to REAL college... attending the four years and emerging with a bachelors.... but no. Instead I found McIntosh College, a little gem of a non-existent school that was in Dover (Yes that's right kids, my fake little school doesn't even exist anymore). It was fast, I didn't have to take math, my best friend could come with me, and I'd be done and working in no time. THEN it seemed like a fantastic idea, but NOW I want to go back in time and punch me in the face. I look at where my sister is now (at PSU) and I would KILL to be able to go back and choose a similar path. When I was up for her birthday in October and went to the parties it made me sad that I essentially passed all that up so my ass could sit in a cubicle. Good decision, Sam... good job. In my freshmen and sophomore year I was set on going to school in Boston... in junior year I was all geared up to go to NHIA in Manchester... but somehow I ended up in Dover, New Hampshire, going to a "fake" wannabe of a college... and got my associates in 15 months. I often wonder how different things would have been had I chose to actually (wo)man up and go to real college. I probably would have had a great time. I probably would have actually made friends in REAL college instead of the 10 people that I somewhat talked to but now don't exist to (with at least one exception) at McIntosh.  But I digress, the past is the past and there is really nothing I can do to change it now... It just frustrates me seeing how much I get in my own way.

I've come a long way since high school and college. I am so completely different from who I was. Some of that is good, and some of it is bad. I'm so much more open minded to things. I'm WAY more social and not as ruled by my fears. But I am such a lazy piece of shit. Once I was in a "real" job I gained 15 pounds. Even though I lost it (though NOT in a healthy way at first), it has taken me until this year to really get my shit together and realize I need to be more active. Not only have I become physically lazy, I've become mentally lazy too. I feel like a LOT of this has to do with my ongoing battle with anxiety and depression. I get into moods where I just don't want to function... where I really want to turn of my head and sit by myself. Sometimes I get into such a hermit mode, answering a text message becomes overwhelming. Most days I just force myself. I force myself to talk to people, to hang out, to be normal. It's not even that I don't like the people I'm talking to, it's just that I don't want to do ANYTHING. I used to write all the time. I'd play guitar every single day... and years ago I actually had a sketch book that I drew in every day! Now I just sit and think about doing it. I complain to myself about how lazy I'm being, but then I continue to do nothing. The only reason I still continue to write occasionally is because of my band... thank god for that... but I used to do things just for me. I used to write poetry, songs, short stories, and I had even started working on a play. Now... it's nothing. It's simply ideas that stay locked in my head that maybe someday I'll write down on paper. I've had a book idea sitting on my brain for YEARS now. I've mentally written the first few sentences hundreds and hundreds of times. I've changed the plot, thought about the research I'll have to do to make it accurate, but still... years and YEARS later... it sits as simply an idea.

I need to change. I don't want to keep repeating the same cycle of me regretting all the things I DIDN'T do. I need to stop making excuses and just do something, ANYTHING, that I used to really enjoy doing. I don't want to be in my 30's and think about all the time I've wasted in my 20's. I don't want to have another entry 10 years from now still bitching about the same things. Ugh... I will... and I think working through my depression will help get the ball rolling.