What if all the world you think you know is an elaborate dream?

I was stuck behind a school bus today. I was driving back to work from my lunch break, and it was like fate itself wanted to help me procrastinate. It was one of those bus routes where they stopped at every single street. Normally I would be annoyed, but since I was on my way back into cubicle hell I looked at it as a little bit of a blessing. Remember that feeling of stepping off the school bus? For me it was usually a good one, a freeing feeling, especially during the warmer months. It's kind of how I feel when I get into my car after work, though not as strong.

But now-a-days I find myself unable to be as excited for anything as much as I was. Every time I think about that I'm reminded of a scene in Knocked Up where the main character is talking to his baby-mama's brother in-law about his kids. The two guys are sitting in a park watching the kids play with bubbles and the brother in-law says something about how he wishes he could be as excited about anything like his kids are about bubbles. That's exactly the way I feel.

I remember seeing Orgy for the first (and only) time. I honestly don't think I have been more excited for something in my entire life thus far. I was about to see my favorite band ever LIVE, in person. I was sharing the same room with five guys I knew a ridiculous (and somewhat embarrassing) amount of information about, men that I basically worshiped. I was so excited when they took the stage my heart could have burst. Now fast forward from then to a few years ago. I was standing in line on the tour bus that held two of the former members of Orgy. One of those men being Amir Derakh, one of my personal musical idols, and both of those men being the reason I decided to pick up a guitar in the first place. I was leaning on their tour bus about to speak with them face to face, and all I could think about was how much more excited I should have been. My 14 year old self would have been crying, but the 22 year old woman could only manage an excited smile. Don't get me wrong, I am so, so happy I had the chance to talk to them, hug them, and see for myself that they were actual people... but the lack of excitement for the whole situation was pretty shocking to me.

Every time I go to a concert, am about to meet someone famous, do something crazy that I've never done before... I'm never as excited as I should be... as I WOULD HAVE been. Which always begs me to ask the question... Why? What is wrong with me? I miss being overly excited. I loved that feeling. Is this just a sign that I'm slowly becoming more apathetic as time passes? Is this what adulthood is supposed to feel like because I don't like it. I feel like life is beating me down into mental submission.... like I have to be somewhat numb to be able to get through the rest of it. Perhaps it's pessimism manifesting itself in a different way... Sucking every positive thought or happy action right out of my head... Reminding me subconsciously that nothing really awesome happens to me...

....Oooor maybe I'm reading WAY too much into it. Either way, I should still probably try to work on that pessimism thing.... and that depression thing... so I can maybe start to feel the excitement in life like I used to.