30 September, 2008

"Kiss me and you will see stars; love me and I will give them to you."

What is love? How can one who has claimed to have been in love, who feels love, ask this question? Even after all this time, I still have to question this stupid word. How can four little letters spark so many different emotions? How can four little letters control one's entire life?

I went through and read the top 100 love quotes. My favorites have to be these:

18. "I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."
--Roy Croft

48. "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."
--Alexander Smith

53. "Love is friendship set on fire."
--Jeremy Taylor

64. "Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence."
--Vincent van Gogh

69. "From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being."
--Unknown

70. "The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life."
--Sir Hugh Walpole

71. "Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."
--Erich Fromm

72. "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
--Sam Keen


What is love to me? Well, it has changed so many times over the years. Until recently, I only believed love could come over time. Though now, sometimes, if it's the right person, I think love can flourish in almost no time at all. Love is a feeling. Love is something that can never be explained or defined. It's something different for everyone. For me, love is so many different things all thrown into one insane emotion. It's feeling butterflies every time you see, think, touch, smell, talk about this person. It's not being afraid to be who you are, totally uncensored. It's wanting to spend every moment with this person, not needing to. It's missing them the second they are out of arms reach. It's being able to sit there in total silence, yet feel the happiest you've ever felt, just knowing they are there beside you. Love is being able to fight then forgive. True love cannot be sought after, it comes when you least expect it, sometimes when you think all hope is lost. You cannot force yourself to love, because then it is not real. Love should just come naturally.

Love is almost like religion, no one definition is really the right one. It's is something you define for yourself. Only you really know how you feel. Some think they will never love, some never wanted to (myself included), and who can blame them? For such a beautiful emotion, it has to be one of the hardest to live through. Love isn't perfect, it's hard, it's compromise, but I truly believe that if it's real the hard times will fall far short of the good. If it's real, then no matter how ugly things seems to get, with out fail, it will transform into something beautiful again.

We all fear and want love. We all hate it when we don't have it. It's one of the few things that can bring you the most happiness you've ever felt, and the deepest pain. But it's definitely something I never want to live with out.

26 September, 2008

Holy woah.



Check it! I'm in a movie, kinda. The movie is called "Boundaries of Attraction" featuring the one and only Rob Kersey and directed by Jamie Fessenden (of Dunkirk Studios).

Since I was an extra, and my band created our song "Unspoken" for the movie, I was able to see the first version of it. Let me say, I was very impressed! Definitely go here or here to check out Dunkirk Studios and to see when you can actually see the movie for yourself!

I'm in it for probably a total of a minute. If you look closely in some scenes you can see me in the background. In the beginning I even have 3 whole lines! One of which is in the trailer. Betcha didn't see me...

This was a lot of fun to participate in, even though I was only there for one day. So thanks Rob and Jamie for the opportunity ^_^

25 September, 2008

You saved me.

It's sad to think that if things had worked out I would be leaving for London in 3 weeks. I'd be staring at Noel Fielding's beautiful face in real life, and maybe even speaking to him. BUT apparently, that is not what the universe had in store for me, and I'm actually content with not going... considering what it gave me instead.

One of the strangest things to me is how well you can connect with some people and not others. How you can meet someone and instantly form a bond, or develop a strong hatred. There have only been a small handful of people who I have instantly connected with in some way, and each time this occurs it sends me into deep thought. I mean, it has to mean something.

This almost goes hand-in-hand with my last post. When you meet these people, and form that bond, it's as if you were SUPPOSED to meet them. And every time this happens to me I try to figure out exactly why that is. What am I here for? What am I learning now? Sometimes, it's a little overwhelming. Normally I don't trust, don't fall in love, don't open up that easily and when I find myself doing just that I have to take a step back. I put up a wall to try and save myself from any possible pain. I fear pouring everything into something that could quite possibly go to shit at any second. This is just paranoia, and I should just relax. Even if things do go to shit, it was still a learning experience. I still gained something from it. So slowly, I just relax and try to go with the flow (for lack of a better phrase). But still, in the back of my mind... I'm trying to figure this person out, and why they have been put into my life.

So this "instabond" happened to me, just about a month ago, and I found myself doing all the things I mention above. But let me tell you what a fantastic feeling it is, despite all the stupid paranoia that comes with it. It still scares me a bit, especially since I started feeling things I never thought I would feel again. I'm definitely happy... and definitely glad the universe gave me this instead.

18 September, 2008

Chain of Events

My family was never religious. They never discouraged me from religion, instead they let me find my own way. Most of my friends went to church, so I wanted to see what it was all about. My first experience in a church was a Roman Catholic one. And let me tell you, being an 8 year old who knows nothing of god or religion, sitting there in that place had to have been one of the most boring experience in my life. I never fully believed in this "christian god." Every so often I would ask it to help me with something, saying, "If you are there..." I never really got an answer, I never really expected one, so in turn I've created my own theories. By no means am I religious, not in the least, but I am a pretty spiritual girl. I think we all have souls, we all have an energy, and when we die I think something must happen. For a long time now I've believed in reincarnation, mostly because I am supposed to be a reincarnation of someone. One thing I've been questioning after many deep conversations with a handful of different people is my theory on fate. I tell people I don't believe in god, I believe in fate. This meaning I believe everything happens for a reason. Until recently I believed that our entire lives are already planned out, every path we chose was because we were supposed to, and most people find that a little depressing. I feel torn. One the one hand, it makes so much sense. Think back on your life. Think of where you are now. I know I can trace all the series of events that have lead me to where I am. I can pin point the littlest things that have really turned out to be HUGE turning points in my life. I can't help but feel I chose those things on purpose, because I was supposed to. Fate planned that for me, and that's why I did it. What if I had chose the other path? Where would I be. I think the biggest turning point in my life was when I decided to go to youth group with Alison. Had I not done that my entire life would be different. I wouldn't be the same person, I wouldn't have the same friends, I wouldn't have had my first long relationship, I wouldn't listen to the same music... And now, even recently, I've seen fate working again all starting with my decision to go to American Idol with Jackie. That vacation turned into an eye opening experience... then after that my decision to go ahead and go to that party (a party at a friends house that I had JUST reconnected with)... all of these things feel like they were set there on purpose. I was SUPPOSED to do what I did, to go where I went. Then you have to think about the more depressing things, like death. I hate the saying, "it's part of god's plan," because sometimes death just doesn't seem necessary. Most of the time it seems that people are "taken" too young, and what is the point in that? Yes, it's a learning experience, truly one of life's big tests for you, but is that something that was supposed to happen? Was that laid out? Was it avoidable? I could go on for days with this, but this entry is already long enough. I wish there was some way to really know what is right... and if people think I'm totally insane for thinking the way I do.

12 September, 2008

Disjointed

Even though your head is technically attached to your body, doesn't it feel like most of the time they aren't really communicating? How is it that we are not in control of our own emotions? To an extent, we are, but most of the time we are screaming at ourselves in the third person. Who really wants to feel miserable? Who really wants to feel pain? Who is content with constantly being unhappy? No one. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just tell yourself, "Ok enough of that," and BAM it's over. You're done with whatever it is you didn't want to be feeling in an instant. Mind over matter does actually work for some, though for me I can't make it happen in an instant, sometimes I can't make it happen for days. For example, I hate being anxious, HATE it. There is nothing worse than feeling like I've OD'd on fucking speed or something. My heart is pounding, I shake, I breathe erratically, I'm jumpy. I don't EVER want to feel that way. So I say to myself, "Ok stop. I'm done with this," but my body doesn't listen. It continues to drive me slowly insane, continues to make me talk myself down like a psycho, until finally I win which could be days or weeks down the line.

Buddhism teaches you to the importance of being one with your body and mind. It says you should meditate until you feel whole, until you bring yourself back. I've tried this so many times, but I can't stop my brain from drifting to other things. This is why I have trouble sleeping, I can't turn it off. This is why I write so damn much... I wish there was just some easy fix to get your head and body to listen to one another. I want to practice the shit out of mind over matter so hopefully one day I will be totally whipped by myself.

Though for now, I'll just keep repeating over and over in my head that everything will be ok and I need to calm the eff down. Maybe it will work...

09 September, 2008

Mirror on the wall, paint the picture.





So my first photo shoot... Let me tell you how absolutely terrifying this was. I usually hate, ABSOLUTELY HATE pictures of myself. I feel like I am one of the least photogenic people ever, so to willingly let someone photograph me was a big step for my recovering self esteem. I am extremely pleased with the way they came out. It was amazing that I only hated a few of them. This was actually fun, and the places we went to were absolutely beautiful. I liked it so much that I might actually do it again. Imagine that? This doesn't mean that I don't still hate taking pictures, but it does help me think that I can actually be pretty sometimes. Yay me! Yay self esteem!

Heather's Photo Myspace (the girl who took my pictures)
My Photobucket Album with the rest of the pictures I stole (the password is my first and last name with no spaces)

Thanks to everyone who gave me such nice compliments. It means a whole hell of a lot.

05 September, 2008

Dictator

Have you ever sat back and thought about how much music rules the world? How, for some people, it totally dictates who you are as a person. What you wear, the things you say, the way you think, how you look at the world. It's everything.

Music helps with emotions, either making them come or taking them away. It helps with seeing the true beauty in the world. Could you imagine watching a movie with out music? Seeing a commercial? We are programmed as human beings to be sensitive to music, it's supposed to make us feel something. So I think it's just unnatural to not let yourself be ruled by music.

Unfortunately, music does become the scapegoat for things it shouldn't. Like, when Marilyn Manson was blamed for Columbine. Yes, they listened to his music, yes they probably dressed the way they did because of the music, but did he put that gun in their hands? No. Did he pull the trigger? No. You know who's fault it was? The parents, teachers and friends who ignored the warning signs, NOT the music. I bet when they were listening to his music they were comforted, maybe just for one second.

My hope, no, my DREAM for my own music (whether with Acrida or my own solo stuff) is to inspire people. When they hear my lyrics I want them to say, "Yes, I've felt this way. I can't believe someone else did too..." or even hear the more encouraging lyrics and have that inspire them to something great, to make something of themselves. I want to see my words posted on livejournals, myspace's, facebooks, notebooks, walls. I want to see people singing along with me, crying, laughing, smiling... really feeling the impact of my words. That is my ultimate goal. I want to leave my mark on the musical world, and make an impact on someone. Even if I can inspire ONE person with my words I can seriously die happy. Someday, I'm hoping this will come true, and I'm doing everything in my power to make it happen.