Ah, 2009...

Even though I technically still have another day and a half or so left of 2009, I think now is as good a time as any to write my reflection on another year past.

Woah, where did it go!? Am I the only one who feels like this year completely flew by? It seems like the older I get the faster time goes (except for right now of course; my job slows down time itself). I've been thinking about this entry for a few days now, trying to remember the lessons I've learned and things I've experienced, and all I can think is, "DAMN! 2009 is over already?!" This is a little scary. Before I know it I'll be 30, and that's terrifying... Though now is not the time for fears, now is the time to enlighten you with the things I have come to discover about myself and life in general this year.

Well, last year I vowed not to be lazy... whoops! I still am, but I am actually trying to be slightly more proactive about my laziness. I've been going to the gym almost every week with Noelle since, I want to say, October... end of September? Either way, I'm there and actually enjoying myself. I am still unhealthily obsessed with my weight, unfortunately. Though I am proud that I have been able to keep myself at relatively the same size for over a year now. I can actually fit into (some) size 7 jeans for the first time since I started working (and porkin' out) at The Teeg. The most exciting moment was a month ago when I ALMOST fit into a size 5... someday... maybe 2010. I've come to the point where I really just want to be healthy. I've never been able to run a mile without wanting to kill myself and everyone around me, so I'd really like to be able to do that someday. Plus, the more in shape I am, the easier is it to have a good stage presence. It may not seem like it, but rockin' out takes a lot out of you!

My band, oh sweet jesus, my band... I love them to death, but we have all come to realize a band relationship is probably one of the hardest ones to have. We've had a lot of ups and downs, we've had some absolutely insane (good and bad) experiences (Alliance Fest being towards the top of the crazy list), but we have had a fantastic year. As we approach our 2nd anniversary, I can't even believe how far we've come. I am so unbelievably excited for our new CD and to start off this new year with them. I have a really good feeling about everything...

My friends (including Corey) have also had a huge impact on my year as well. I've become closer to some, further away from others, reconnected with some and made new ones... And I can't say that I'm terribly disappointed with the way everything has worked out. I am so thankful to have so many great people in my life. Some of you have helped me in more ways than you'll ever know (I hope you know who you are), and for that I will always show you the exact same treatment you've shown me. When I tell a person, "I am here for you," I mean it. I genuinely care about all of you and appreciate every single little thing you've done for me. Having you all in my life has made this year even more exciting.

So I guess now I should reflect a little on me. This year I have conquered my number one fear, flying. And you know what? It wasn't that bad. I mean, being in a tube in the air is a terrifying idea in itself, but somehow it felt safe enough. I still don't think I could handle more than a 6 hour flight just because I get so restless. There's only so long you can sit there idly facing the seat in front of you before you want to start screaming. Turbulence... not a big fan of, but flying was totally worth it. I finally made it on a big trip, I finally saw the west coast, and I am FINALLY no longer afraid to fly. I'm taking slow little baby steps to rid myself of anxiety. I've made a few huge steps forwards, but there have also been steps back. I think the key is to keep trying. I really don't want to live this way forever. If there was something that I learned from the California trip it was that you cannot live your life in fear. The only way to get over something is to face it, and now that I've done that, I'm willing to push things aside so I can actually LIVE my life.

So for 2010 I don't think I'm going to make any sort of resolution. Every year I always end up learning and experiencing so much. There are definitely things I want to do, like continuing to travel (I'm supposed to be going to the Bahamas, pretty excited), continuing to exercise (including working on strengthening my back muscles so maybe someday I wont be in excruciating pain), continuing to evolve with my band, and to continue to work on my depression and anxiety.

Life is a constant struggle, it tests you and every so often rewards you with something you never expected. I'm an extremely pessimistic person, but this past year I have been trying to look at things (especially myself) in a new, brighter light. Corey has helped a lot with that. He's constantly trying to help me see all the good in the world and myself and I can never express to him how much it helps me, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it.

I'm definitely both excited and anxious to see what 2010 holds. I know there will be bad, but I also know that despite any situation I may face the good is never too far behind. So bring it 2010... 
I'm ready for you.

To my Abbie

It was like she chose us, and as cliche as that sounds, it was almost serendipitus the way she entered our lives. Tired and disappointed from a day of puppy searching at the local shelters, my family and I had accepted defeat and given up, but then out of nowhere there she was. A happy, bounding, white ball of energy on her way back into the shelter. Jenny, her name at the time, was about to re-enter the Salem Animal Shelter because her owner realized she didn't have the time to care for her, but lucky for her she was quickly scooped up and accepted into the Angelo family. Now, when you're an Angelo dog you are no longer just a dog, you are a new and welcomed member of the family. You are spoiled and loved like any other human child. We are no "speciests" in my household, if you are alive you are loved.


Jenny became Abbie, and even on the car ride home, we realized that we were in for one hell of a puppy stage. She had endless amounts of energy and always seemed to be chewing on something, especially my hand. She had many accidents in the house, but lucky for us she was smart, most likely due to her Border Collie genes. Soon enough she was trained, and joined by two other massive, fluffy white dogs. We were a family, dogs and all.


Two days before Thanksgiving I received a call from my mother informing me of her deteriorating state. Coombs disease, she said. While I was concerned, I was very optimistic. She was only nine years old, all the Angelo dogs have lasted until they were at least fifteen. Abbie was sick, not dying, and this "wonder pill," as it was so called, would fix her. With no real doubts in my mind, I hung up the phone and kept my dog-sister in my thoughts.


Thanksgiving came and only then did the doubts start to come. Our once very energetic, alpha dog lay motionless and tired on her bed. I sat with her for a while, gently petting the graying fur on her face, hoping to somehow psychically take away her pain and make her better. The bones on her head, which I had never felt before, were very apparent, and obviously due to very rapid weight loss from the disease. My own dog, Valo, must have sensed something was wrong because even in her excited, puppy romp, she avoided touching Abbie when she was usually the first dog to get a big dose of Valo in the face. But still, even with the minor doubts I was feeling after seeing her, I still kept an optimistic view on the whole situation. The "wonder pill" will work, no worries. So as Corey and I left for his parents, I realized I had forgotten to say goodbye to the dogs, which is my normal routine. I thought of Abbie, and for a brief second hoped it wasn't the last chance I had. No, everything will be fine and I will visit on the weekend just to be sure she's feeling better.


But only a mear 24 hours later, that wasn't the case. She had died the day after Thanksgiving surrounded by my family. I know most people think, "Oh it's just a dog," but not to me. No dog I've ever owned was just a dog, they were my family, someone I loved with the same intensity I have for any other human being. Her death leaves an empty hole in my heart just as it would if I had lost anyone else. I feel guilty for not saying goodbye, something I do every time I go to my parents. What possessed me to break routine then? Still, I am happy she is no longer in pain. The disease crippled her, made her into a dog I could not bare to see suffer. Though in my selfish heart, I wish she had more time. Nine is much too young for a dog to die.


So this is my memorial to my dog, my sister, who, though she is no longer living, will always be in my thoughts. I will still love her everyday my soul is alive, with the same intensity I had while she was alive. I love you, Abbie, and I'll see you again someday.

Thankful.

I just discovered new features to my little blog thing. You can now "follow" my blog... so totally do that all 8 of you :) Kay?

I have so many things in my life that I am incredibly thankful for. Here's just a few:

• Corey... for being my constant companion, for not giving up on me, for making me feel beautiful and loved... and for caring about me.

• Ali... for being my sister, best friend and a reason to keep on living.

• My friends... for always making me feel loved, beautiful and cared about.

• My family... for always loving me, listening to me, helping me and always supporting me in my decisions, even if they don't agree.

• My band... for being my creative outlet and for allowing me to be a part of such a crazy, fun and intense rollercoaster ride.

• My dog and cat... for being excited to see me every single day, and for all of the unconditional love they have for me.

• My car... for holding up quite nicely :)

• My job... even though we have our disagreements, I'm glad you're still deciding to pay me.

• The internet... for being my remedy for boredom and for helping me connect and reconnect with so many amazing people.


I hope you all know how much you mean to me. Every nice word, every joke, every hang out provides me with what I need to continue on every day. I appreciate everything everyone has done and said, and I make sure I give you all back everything you give me. You all mean the world to me.

Happy Thanksgiving :)

Wow.

I've spent a lot of time reading over my past journal entries. Not the ones in this journal, but the OLD ones... like high school and college ones. I can't believe how much has changed. As I was reading I was tempted to leave myself a comment or two, like maybe somehow it would travel through time and reach my past self. The journals made me realize how many mistakes I have made, and how much I have learned from them, for the most part. Even in just the past few years I have grown and molded myself into such a completely different person, and hopefully with the help of my past self, I will never make those mistakes again. I found myself becoming aggravated at the past Sam, wanting to yell through time and somehow make her hear me. I made SO MANY stupid, stupid mistakes. I wasted so much time on things that I could never, ever change, and made promises that I never fulfilled. I found myself feeling bad for past me, feeling angry with her. Why didn't she listen to anyone? Why didn't she listen to her own instincts? Why didn't she ever just relax? But damn, in a sense, I'm glad I went through all that. I needed to because now, at the ripe old age of 23, I feel like maybe I have actually learned my lesson. "Seeing" me going through all of the mental struggles has made me never, ever want to put myself in those kind of positions ever again. And if somehow my comments made it through time to the past Sam, my entire world would be different... and as much as I complain now I really don't know if I want my life to be so dramatically altered from what it is right now. Yes, there are some things I wish I had not done, and some that I wish I had, but who knows what kind of person I would be today if those wishes had come true.

I think what I'm realizing now, and have been for the past few entries, is that I really am in control of my own life. I can make all the dreams I have come true, and I am the only person who can allow myself to experience real happiness. It's obvious from my past entries that I become blinded by all the bad in my life which makes it almost impossible to see the good all around me. Only until later down the road do I stop and realize all the good that was there the whole time unbeknownst to me. I am still young, I still have so much to experience, and I shouldn't be wasting any second of any of my days left on this earth wallowing in my own self pity. The world is full of good and bad, things always get better, and you never, ever know what is right around the corner. Life is exciting, full of surprises, and I really am excited to see what is in store for me.

Who are You?

It seems as if life is a constant struggle to find out exactly who we are. But what if... what if we already know. What if there is no ultimate conclusion, no miraculous discovery of self. What if the whole time we are searching, it is already there staring blankly back at us in the mirror everyday. I myself guilty of this soul searching, this cliche phrase, but after reading something... I can't recall what, but I think it was lyrics... about how someone needed to find themselves, that they didn't know who they were, I began to think about how silly that phrase is. I mean, really, we do know who we are. Sometimes we just hide it from ourselves, deny the horrible parts of our personalities that we don't want to accept and think that others don't see. But really look at yourself; really look at that phrase. If we had no idea who we were how could we possibly make the simplest of choices, whether that be a wardrobe choice or ordering from a menu. I know, and most of you know, that I don't like meat... therefor I am a vegetarian. I know that I don't like Abercrombie and Fitch... I know that I prefer rock music to rap, prefer thought out lyrics to ones about "bitches," I know all sorts of things about myself! So what am I searching for? Why do I continue to use the phrase, "I don't even know who I am" when really I do... Perhaps it's not the self we are searching for, the self being the parts of our personality we have yet to discover, but rather we are searching for the self we want to be. Maybe the "self" we're referring to is the person we saw ourselves being from a young age, or the person we want to live as. Maybe trying to find who we are indicates the struggle we face everyday to escape the monotony of our somewhat boring lives. Like for me, finding who I am would be finding a way of life that makes me happy everyday, finally becoming that person who I'm striving so hard to be...

But if that's not what finding yourself really means, then will someday everything become clear to me? Will I understand my purpose? What if there is none? How much time will be wasted in the hopes for some sort of self discovery when it all might be passing us by? What if this is it? This is life, this is who you are, there is no real purpose other than to live and enjoy the only shot you have at living your life. Is that such a bad thing? I don't think so. I know I've learned quite a bit about myself and others in the past 23 years. This discovery of self, this idea of finding out who you are, seems like it's just a phrase to motivate you, to maybe bring you out of your little bubble and let you really experience life for what it is. Life. Living... breathing... surviving... learning. Let's all find ourselves in hopes of living a life to the fullest extent.

Butcho dunno whatcho got til it's gone.

My freshman year of high school was 9 years ago. NINE years ago, which means it's been 5 years since I graduated. All the memories seem so fresh in my mind, all the inside jokes still funny, yet at the same time it feels so far away.

I'm 23 now, just teetering on the edge into my mid twenties. I have a "normal" job, a college degree, a nice home, a boyfriend, a dog (and Gabe!)... my life is pretty sweet! But it's also ridden with that horrible word: RESPONSIBILITY. When did this happen? I have to pay bills? I have to actually KEEP this job? What?! ...I find myself sometimes longing to be back in high school just to be able to live one more day with no responsibilities, no pressure from the "real world," to actually have more time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I'm supposed to be grown up now, and let me tell you, I have NO IDEA what I want to do as far as a career.

I remember being 16, fully engulfed in my teenage goth angst, being told to cherish high school, that you will appreciate it when it's gone. HA! I laughed their faces. ME?! I would NEVER miss CampHELL and its horribleness! Well, I was wrong. I got to wake up every morning and go see my friends. I was out by 2ish and free to do whatever my heart desired. Yeah, I had a part time job, but there was no pressure for me to keep it and I quit when I hated it. Yeah, I had to get up at 6, but I got to learn... for FREE. That will never happen again. College costs money, and even non-credit courses make you pay to learn. I didn't have to worry about staying in touch with my friends because I knew I'd just see them the next day. And the best part of all, I HAD NO BILLS TO PAY. Yeah there was drama, but I would withstand it all again just to have those few REAL moments of freedom.

I'm a completely different person now from who I was when I walked the halls of Campbell. People who knew me then have a completely wrong view of me. If I could do it all again I would care less. I would speak my mind instead of staying quiet, which I started doing anyways in the later years. I would actually enjoy myself instead of pushing my life into adulthood like I so wanted. If I could only know then what I know now I would have never wanted to rush.

This saying is probably the most true statement of all time: You never know what you've got 'til it's gone. Cherish every little moment, no matter how insignificant it seems. Even though I'm struggling now, doesn't mean later on in my life I wont look back and say the same thing I'm saying now about high school. I think I'm actually going to make a real effort to appreciate things I have so I don't live my entire life with regrets.

Political

I was told to never get into a political debate with friends. Definitely some good advice, but sometimes you just want to stir things up a little bit.

It's no secret that I am one of those tree huggin' liberals. My parents raised me with a democratic mindset, and as I've grown older and done more research I have found that I am pleased with their decision. I'm not extremely political, and I do admit that I don't know a whole lot about politics, but I'm far from being uneducated. If I don't understand something political I research it. The majority of my political research began with this past election. When the candidates were announced for the democratic party I wanted to know what they were all about. My first choice was Al Gore, but unfortunately he wasn't running again. I love him, I love his policies and I think our world would be a better place with him in the white house. But since he wasn't running, Obama was my second choice.

I am a democrat for the following reasons:

1. I hate guns, well no, let me correct myself; I hate that HUMANS use guns. I understand that it is written in the constution that we have the right to bare arms, but god damn. How many people have to die from useless gun violence before we do something? I would support a complete ban of them all together, bust since that wont happen I support the decisions to make the laws more strict.

2. Abortion is MY choice... MINE. What I do with my own body is up to me to decide, not the government.

3. The rich should pay more in taxes than the poor. If you make $500,000 a year while I can barely make it to $30,000, I should not be paying the same amount in taxes as you.

4. Gay MARRIAGE should be legal. It is against the constitution to deny gay and lesbian people the right to marriage. Who the hell are you to get in the way of their happiness? Man and man, woman and woman, either way they are still HUMANS in love.

5. I have had enough of this war and think we should get our troops back home with their families, so we can decrease the amount of tax money going overseas and focus on our issues at home.... like our horrible economy.

The only thing I stand torn on is the death penalty. I feel like killing someone who killed someone else is the easy way out for them. They wont have to sit with themselves and think about what they did everyday, they don't have to be in constant fear of getting raped or shanked in prison... BUT they do get somewhat of a free ride in jail. I have to pay for them to eat and live, when most just deserve to live in a hole in the ground.

So all in all, I support almost all of the major viewpoints of the democratic party. I try to respect everyones views, but in the back of my head... I probably think you're wrong. Facebook has become a huge stage for debating it seems. I've included myself on some of them, but had to stay out of a few. We all would like to think that what we say might actually sway the other persons views, but most of the time, it's completely useless to debate at all. You're stuck in your ways just as I am stuck in mine. But sometimes, it's nice just to be heard.