Stop. Emo-time.

Sometimes I take a step back and look at myself, really look at myself, and I think, "What am I doing?" Sometimes I feel so out of control of my own life, my own body, my own mind. There are times I feel so focused, but then one little thing gets in my way and I spiral out of control. My mind is so full of contradictions, and it's slowly driving me insane.

What do I want? I've never really had a hard time answering this question. I'd like to think I know exactly what I want from my life, but are my goals and aspirations too far fetched? Will I ever be able to complete one single thing that will make me feel whole and accomplished? When will I be strong enough to take that first blind leap? When will everyone else's opinions not matter to me?

I worry too much. I think too much. I obsess over nothing. I fall too hard. My mind is my worst enemy. I am keeping myself down, standing in my own way, and it frustrates me to no end.

Anxiety has me by my hypothetical balls (ovaries?) again, and I swear to all that is holy, I'm going to punch myself right in the brain to make it stop.

Word Blocked. It's kind of like cock blocking except worse.

There are quite a few things that are on my mind right now, yet I'm having trouble finding the words to explain it all. It's almost as if my brain is working in hyper mode. I feel as if I'm thinking of a million things at once, yet not one single word is able to sneak through and make it onto the page. I've sat down to write a song for the past 3 weeks and have been unable to find the words. Yes, yes I believe I have writers block.

I've been inspired by so many different things recently, too. My life is one crazy roller coaster ride at the moment, so it's not like I don't have material to pick from, but all I can manage are a few lines here and there. I can't form anything concrete or final. I can't get anything more than a paragraph down before I start staring at the page blankly, drooling a little.

Today I discovered how much I am in love with Secondhand Serenade. The lyrics in the songs seem like they were meant for me, and I am so inspired by that. Yet I still sit here, unable to process anything worth while.

This is beyond frustrating.

London calling...

Last week I received one of the top 5 most depressing emails of all time. Up until that point, I had thought the Mighty Boosh Live tickets we purchased were lost somewhere in the mail... Perhaps they were in the ocean... But no. It started out like any other time I went to check my email, but then dramatically changed when, there, in the subject line I saw "Mighty Boosh Live tickets." No, I thought, no it couldn't be. Yes... yes it was. My beautiful tickets are waiting for me in London at the box office. Yeah that's so great! Thanks for telling me 3 weeks prior to the show, which leaves me.... NO time to attempt to save to get there. Oh believe me, there was a moment of panic when I thought to myself, "What the hell can I sell?" It even seemed like a plausable idea until I actually calculated everything. No, no unfortunately it's not possible. I'm missing out on one of the things I want most, a chance to see Noel Fielding's flawless face in person. *sigh* Someday I'll make it to London, I swear to Buddha, but for now I'm just going to have to settle with sitting in a corner, crying like a child on the 23rd... when I was supposed to be at the damn show.

And for those of you in London, or the UK in general, who are going to the show... Eff you man. Eff YOU! ... No not really. But please think of me... maybe your mind powers will send me images of what's going on before I have to search for them on youtube.... and cry.

Blank.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. I love you.

Pictures: Because my brain is on vacation.

It's funny that I have to change my appearance all the time in order to keep myself semi sane... yet I have such a hard time handling any other sort of change in my life.

"Kiss me and you will see stars; love me and I will give them to you."

What is love? How can one who has claimed to have been in love, who feels love, ask this question? Even after all this time, I still have to question this stupid word. How can four little letters spark so many different emotions? How can four little letters control one's entire life?

I went through and read the top 100 love quotes. My favorites have to be these:

18. "I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."
--Roy Croft

48. "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."
--Alexander Smith

53. "Love is friendship set on fire."
--Jeremy Taylor

64. "Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence."
--Vincent van Gogh

69. "From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being."
--Unknown

70. "The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life."
--Sir Hugh Walpole

71. "Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."
--Erich Fromm

72. "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
--Sam Keen

What is love to me? Well, it has changed so many times over the years. Until recently, I only believed love could come over time. Though now, sometimes, if it's the right person, I think love can flourish in almost no time at all. Love is a feeling. Love is something that can never be explained or defined. It's something different for everyone. For me, love is so many different things all thrown into one insane emotion. It's feeling butterflies every time you see, think, touch, smell, talk about this person. It's not being afraid to be who you are, totally uncensored. It's wanting to spend every moment with this person, not needing to. It's missing them the second they are out of arms reach. It's being able to sit there in total silence, yet feel the happiest you've ever felt, just knowing they are there beside you. Love is being able to fight then forgive. True love cannot be sought after, it comes when you least expect it, sometimes when you think all hope is lost. You cannot force yourself to love, because then it is not real. Love should just come naturally.

Love is almost like religion, no one definition is really the right one. It's is something you define for yourself. Only you really know how you feel. Some think they will never love, some never wanted to (myself included), and who can blame them? For such a beautiful emotion, it has to be one of the hardest to live through. Love isn't perfect, it's hard, it's compromise, but I truly believe that if it's real the hard times will fall far short of the good. If it's real, then no matter how ugly things seems to get, with out fail, it will transform into something beautiful again.

We all fear and want love. We all hate it when we don't have it. It's one of the few things that can bring you the most happiness you've ever felt, and the deepest pain. But it's definitely something I never want to live with out.

Holy woah.

Check it! I'm in a movie, kinda. The movie is called "Boundaries of Attraction" featuring the one and only Rob Kersey and directed by Jamie Fessenden (of Dunkirk Studios).

Since I was an extra, and my band created our song "Unspoken" for the movie, I was able to see the first version of it. Let me say, I was very impressed! Definitely go here or here to check out Dunkirk Studios and to see when you can actually see the movie for yourself!

I'm in it for probably a total of a minute. If you look closely in some scenes you can see me in the background. In the beginning I even have 3 whole lines! One of which is in the trailer. Betcha didn't see me...

This was a lot of fun to participate in, even though I was only there for one day. So thanks Rob and Jamie for the opportunity ^_^