ANITE DOWNAH!

Day 10 - A picture of your favorite relative.

Rumor has it, she's my actual mother. Being a single lady at the time, she couldn't handle the idea of having a daughter. So instead of giving me up to live out my days in a foster home, she instead gave me to her sister who raised me as her own. We've maintained the lie, but long ago I started uncovering the truth...

... Okay, this may actually be a lie. Well, it is a lie. I can go no further with these false words, blog readers! The lady pictured above is my aunt. Her name is Donna, and I've mentioned her about a million times on here. It's become a family joke that she's my real mother. We can be so insanely similar that sometimes we even start to question... but that may just be because she has played a very significant role in my life since birth. And in a way she has become my second mother. I even go as far as giving her Mothers Day cards because I feel without her influence, I may not be the person I am today.

Since I was an infant I've been going to her house for sleep overs. She also played the role of babysitter many, many times. She introduced me to feminism and has spent a good chunk of my life raising me to be an independent, strong, smart female... Just like she is. A few years ago she showed me some of the reading material (or propaganda) that she would read to me. One book, Princess Smartypants, was about a young princess who was being forced to choose a suitor. She was content with being by herself (with her pets of course) and had no desire to get married. Instead, she put all of her suitors through grueling tests, ones she knew they would fail, and in the end she chose no one. She didn't need a man to be happy.

My aunt would also try to teach me not to rely on a man in other ways. I once tried to get her to play princess with me. Imitating what I saw in Disney movies (and everything else a young girl pays attention to), I wanted her to be the prince and she was supposed to come and save me. Well, she didn't like this idea. "Why don't I be your best girlfriend and we'll work together to save you!" Apparently, I wasn't all about that. I tried to fight her... I wanted her to be the prince! But she wouldn't budge... and if I remember the story correctly... we ended up playing her way. Looking back on it now, I really respect her for that, and I will be doing the same with my girls (assuming I have any).

She is a wonderful supporter, and has encouraged me to pursue all of the things I may be interested in. Art, acting, music... she was there for all of it. Proudly displaying anything I may have done in her apartment. Even now she (and my wonderful uncle) promote my band as often as possible... They even come to shows when they can. She makes sure I know that she's proud of me...

She has been my teacher, my shopping buddy, therapist, supporter, mother, friend and aunt all at the same time. She has helped me through some of the roughest parts of my life and stood by me even when I was driving everyone crazy. I still turn to her for everything. I don't ever feel like I have to censor myself with her... We can talk about anything and I know she won't judge me for it. She sees me for who I am, no matter what phase or rough patch I may be going through. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without her constant guidance... certainly a life I would never want to live. My life is so, so much better having her in it. I am thankful for her every single day. I'm so lucky to have her... my Antie Donna.

Anon.

So not going to lie to you, blog followers.... I'm getting a little bored with this challenge (If you couldn't tell from my last post). But I vowed to do it, so I'm finishing this bitch. Though, instead of just doing ONE post for today, I'm going to do two. I've been slacking a little bit, so I figured this would be the best way to get on track... aaaand the best way to speed this up a bit.


Day 8 - Ten things you’d like to say to ten different people, without using names.

1. I love you, but you scare me sometimes.

2. I generally don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth.

3. You made a HUGE mistake with her.

4. When we're together I feel like a stronger person. Despite what may have happened in the past, you still understand me better than just about everyone else.

5. I'm so happy we're friends. I've had the best adventures with you. You make me want to be a stronger, more adventurous person.

6. You're such a phenomenal writer. I always forget you're so much younger than I am. I feel like everyone does and that's why they hold you to such high standards. You have insane amount of potential... don't let yourself get lost along the way. 

7. If anything ever happened to you I honestly don't think I could continue living. You have my 100% unconditional love, forevs.

8. You're fascinating, yet I know next to nothing about you. I would love to get to know you better, but I don't think it will ever happen. A part of me is sad because of that.

9. I'll admit, at first I wanted you to be miserable... Now I just want you to be happy and to get what you've been waiting so long for.

10. I hate that I don't fully trust you because I like you a lot, but because of the opinions of everyone else I feel like I have to keep you at a distance.



Day 9 - Your favorite blog.

Hyperbole and a Half... definitely my favorite blog EVER. Read it and be cool like me :)

Idols.

Day 7 - Talk about your idol and how they influence you.

Well, this is somewhat of a hard topic. I have many different interests which leads me to have quite a few different "idols." Here are the ones I can think of right off the top of my head:

Musical idol #1 - Trent Reznor. I've been in love with this man's music for more than 10 years now, but I never really appreciated the complexity of it until just recently. During the summer I went through a HUGE Nine Inch Nails craze which prompted me to research the band. Doing so only made me respect him all the more. I discovered that he creates many of his sounds by hand with a bunch of random things, and I also learned (maybe I'm a little late to this game) that Nine Inch Nails is his sole creation. He wrote everything. Now, what makes me love him is mostly his style of writing. He has a way of conveying emotions in such a morbid yet beautiful way, something I would like to do myself. And sometimes the things he writes almost seem like he stole them from my own head. He also is active in fighting the greed in the music industry. He was unhappy about how much his particular label charged for his cds, so he voiced his opinion, fought them, and ended up starting his own label where he gives out most of his music for free. He strongly believes in rewarding the fans, who are the people responsible for giving him his career... and to me, that's extremely important. He's smart, he's creative, he's hot, he's driven... He's just amazing.

Musical Idol #2 - Maria Brink. Now, I don't know a whole lot about her, but she is my idol for one reason... That chick can SCREAM. She is the best girl screamer I have ever heard, on top of having a fantastic vocal range. If I could learn one thing, it would be how to scream, and I would only want one teacher... Maria.

Musical Idol #3 - Christina Aguilera. Pop princess status aside, she's probably the best pop vocalist to come out of the 90's. She has an amazing range, a completely beautiful voice, and a body you would brutally murder people for. If I could somehow steal Christina's singing voice, Maria's scream, and Trent Reznor's composing and writing abilities I would probably be the best musician ever. One can dream...

Animal Idol - Jane Goodall. She dedicated her life to understanding animals. Being an animal lover how can I not admire her? I admit, that I don't know a whole lot about her either, but I know she has done a great deal for the animal world. I would love to have done what she did, to observe chimpanzees, and that must have been the best and hardest thing she has ever done. I would absolutely love to meet her.

May flights of devils wing you to your rest

Day 6 - Your all time favorite movie.

Most of my childhood was spent lying awake in bed, pillow over my head, listening to the sounds of people dying coming from the other side of the wall. Was someone in my family a mass murderer? No, no... My mother just has a love for all that is horror and sci-fi, and I was the lucky one that shared a wall with her TV. Unfortunately, my father is not the quietest of sleepers, which would prompt my mom to turn whatever movie she was watching at the time up on full blast. Earlier in my life (like my toddler years), I was afraid of just about everything, which included 90% of Disney movies, but as I got older I became accustomed to the sounds of panicked screaming. The only issue I had with this was the fact that I could not get to sleep. Sometimes I would have to go into her room to tell her I couldn't take the sound of screaming anymore and she would turn it down. In retrospect, I probably should have just moved my bed to a different wall, but you know, whatever...

My mother was not the traditional mother. She loved horror movies and sci-fi, she raised me on Star Trek and Star Wars, and she listened to Queen and David Bowie. She was a stay at home mom, but far from the stereotypical domestic housewife. She was different, which explains my sister and I (of course my dad is also strange, so we've got it from both ends here). She's probably the only mother I know that supported my decision to become a goth-child, encouraged it even. We would sit together and dye my hair pink, red, purple, black... whatever particular color I wanted at the time. Even my grandmother was supportive. She bought me some of my favorite goth-child clothing! But it seems that I was destined for this life, being the spawn of a lover of the strange.

So it's only fitting that the first thing I became obsessed with was vampires. Not the sparkly, emo vampires, but the Anne Rice, emo vampires. Interview with the Vampire came out in 1994, which means I was 8 at the time. I'm not exactly sure how I even discovered it (my mom is probably to blame here), but from the second I heard what it was about and who was in it I knew I had to see it. Two of my first celebrity crushes just so happened to be Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, so my little 8 year old mind almost died at the concept of this movies. Vampires + Tom Cruise + Brad Pitt = 8-year-old Sammi heaven. But my MOTHER, the reason for all this vampire obsession nonsense, blocked me from seeing it. I was 8, the movie was rated R, and despite my mother being cool and into cool things, I was not allowed to see rated R movies. This was devastating news to me. I was going to have to wait until I was older!? Torture.

I tried everything I could think of to convince her to let me watch it, but the furthest I got was that I was allowed to watch one scene and that was it. I had heard it playing from the other side of the wall so I went in trying to be sneaky, playing the "Oh! I just want to say goodnight!" card, but she was too smart. She paused it. I begged to watch it. She allowed me that one scene, and I was sent back to my room to be teased by the sounds of it being so close, yet so far away.

Like how many young boys tried to watch scrambled porn, I did the same, only this was a scrambled version of Interview with the Vampire. It was on some movie channel we couldn't get, I remember the exact scene too, and I tried to watch it for a good 10 minutes. At first it was almost perfect, I got a few minutes in of just a negative looking image (you boys who tried to watch porn should know what I'm talking about here), the sound crystal clear, but after a little while the picture went away and I gave up. It wasn't worth it... I'd give it a few more years.

I used to write and illustrate all sorts of short stories (I've been writing since before I could write), and I even went so far in my Interview of the Vampire obsession to create a little jewel called, "Lestat, Tom and Me." It's a beautifully written story about... well... my adventures with Tom Cruise and his character in the movie, Lestat. An award winning piece obviously...

So at some point many years later, TBS finally started playing the movie on TV. Since it was edited my mother had no objections to me watching it. I think I came in half way through so I only ended up watching a little bit of it before I turned it off... worrying that I would ruin it.

Some time later, I think was about 12,  I ended up watching my first rated R movie, Half Baked, with my cousin, so naturally, my next step was to watch Interview. I believe I was home sick with strep when my mom brought down the tape. She worried that I'd hyped it up too much for so many years that I would be disappointed with it, but put it in anyway. Well, she was wrong. I loved it. To me, it was worth the years of waiting. Since then I've probably watched it at least 4 and a half million times and I'm still not sick of it. I don't know what exactly draws me to it, my obsession with vampires, the years of not being able to see it, but it is my absolute favorite movie of all time.

What is love?

Day 5 - Discuss your feelings on the word “love” and the way it’s used in today.

Love is quite possibly the worst and greatest feeling in the world... That is, if it's real at all.

I have an unusual relationship with the word love. To me, it's not something to be taken lightly, which in today's society it definitely is. Back in middle school (and sometimes even high school and now) some people who entered into relationships thought that "I love you" was just something you say. There was no meaning behind it besides, "Hey, I like you... We're going out... Boyfriends and girlfriends say it, so we should too." But in reality, "love" is a pretty big deal. When put into those situations I have my own way of dealing with it. I refuse to say it if I didn't feel it, so I would say "luv you too" which in my head is COMPLETELY different (see the spelling of "luv"). As I get older, the more it freaks me out when people would say it to me. They obviously have no idea what it meant.

My "first love" happened when I was a sophomore in high school. For the first time, I thought I actually meant the word the way it was meant to be used. My boyfriend at the time had me convinced he felt the same, but our relationship ended at about 7 months... and later on I found out he had been cheating on me for a good chunk of time. It made me question the word, question if what I had felt towards him was love, and if he had ever really loved me at all.

After our relationship ended, a friend who had developed a crush on me began to use the word towards me. At that point in my melodramatic, post-break up angst that was the last word in the world I wanted to hear. We would get into arguments about it. I would tell him that he had no idea what "love" really meant, and what he was feeling towards me was not love at all. I told him it was the last thing I wanted to hear. He would tell me I'm wrong and would try to respect what I wanted and soon he stopped using it towards me.

Well, some months later I ended up dating that friend. I was with him on and off for about 6 years, and I honestly believed I was in love with him. Those six years were quite possibly the most dysfunctional times in my (and more than likely his) life, and at the end of it, I questioned if I still loved him at all.

Why do I constantly question love? Perhaps because I have a completely wrong and impossible view of it. To me, love is an amazing thing. If you feel love for someone nothing else matters. Little flaws, while still annoying, don't distract you. Any petty arguments can be solved quickly and in a rational manner... And that person who you love and loves you back, you would do anything to make that person happy. Because you love them, they come first in your mind. Love makes you miss that person when they are gone, but reminds you that there is nothing to worry about, it helps to comfort you. Love makes you selfless, love combines your life and another, and you live to keep that love alive and thriving. But is that real? Is that even possible?

I have never felt that kind of love which always makes me question whether I'm in love at all. I have strong feelings, I feel like I am in love, but is it just obsession? Is what I'm feeling just a combination of infatuation, possession and lust? Or is that really what love is? A combination of those feelings.

The Disney view of love is wrong. The love they try to portray in the movies and TV shows just does not exist. Love is hard, love is trying, love is learning to accept the flaws of another no matter how infuriating, love is learning how to not let jealousy control you, love is trust, love is learning how to fight sanely, love is lust, love is sex, and love is obsession no matter how you look at it.

Love is not always fun, sometimes you want to throw your partner out of a moving vehicle, but I want to think that's somewhat normal. I would really like to know what is normal. Sometimes I find myself over analyzing love, whether or not I feel it, whether or not the love I want exists. I would really like for someone to just give me an idea of what love really is so that I can figure out what the hell I'm doing....

Or maybe... maybe love just does not exist at all, and every human is just trying to force something for the sake of tradition. We're all just trying to recreate what we see on TV and the movies in our own life. Maybe love is just something we've all created and bought into... and let spiral completely out of control.

But who knows. The fact is love, as we know it, is different for everyone. Some can love despite the dysfunction it may create. Some may never love because they fear it (and for good reason). Some may go through many partners trying to find it. And who really knows if you're ever really in love. The point is to be happy. Love, though it does bring sadness and anger, should always bring you happiness... and at the end of the day that's what love should be. Happiness.

Let us sing to My Little Ponies

Day 4 - Your most significant childhood memory.

If we're talking significant as in "shaping who I am today" then there are quite a few... most of which involved a tape recorder... which now serves as some sort of cruel blackmail that is safely locked away at my parents house.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be famous. At first I wanted to be a news reporter. This I blame on Sesame Street, more specifically Kermit the Frog. I remember running around my house with my red tape recorder as I excitedly reported the news and interviewed my parents. I had to be under the age of 5 because all of these memories are from my house in Amherst (which I moved from when I was 5).

After my brief news reporter stage, I quickly moved on to wanting to be a singer. My aunt tells me stories about how I used to sing songs about how angry I was when my mom made me mad. Apparently, I would sit underneath the table and sing my disdain. Again, the red tape recorder was my best friend. I specifically remember sitting in the bathtub with my extensive collection of My Little Ponies and creating a song involving each and every one of them. At some point long ago, I actually found that tape... and let me tell you... It's pretty damn hilarious.

My next memory is probably from elementary school. I went through a Bette Middler and Celine Dion phase. Bette Middle was basically my hero. Her song "The Wind Beneath My Wings" is the first song I remember knowing the lyrics to. When I was about 9 I graduated from my red tape recorder to a brand new, mega awesome karaoke machine. You could play the music AND record your voice at the SAME TIME. This was a very exciting concept to me. I received it for Christmas at my Nana's house in Connecticut and I started using it immediately. I would NOT, under and circumstances, allow my aunt to use it that night. She's notorious for not having the best singing voices, and apparently my snobby nine-year-old self couldn't have her voice messing up my precious karaoke machine. She ended up sneakily recording her song anyway, and I hope to "god" we still have that tape.

Anyway, after getting the karaoke machine I started recording myself to every song I could possibly think of. Bette Middler, Mirah Carey, Celine Dion... I did it all. I learned every song off the tape that came with the machine as well... which included many fantastic early 90s hits, such as Unbreak my Heart and that song from Ghost I can't remember the name of. Sometimes I would go the distance and record a song, then dress up in my fancy clothes, stand on my desk chair and accept my Grammy award. Yes, I was that kind of child.

There was a brief time my karaoke machine was retired, but it was soon brought back to life once I started learning how to play guitar. I spent a good chunk of 15 and 16 secluded in my basement with nothing but my guitar, my notebook and the karaoke machine, recording song after song. Now, somewhere, I have a whole bucket full of cassette tapes filled with my goth-child teenage angst.

The next step in my music career came when my friends and I formed my very first band, Sorrow. Yes again, I was that kind of teenager. It started out with my friend Jackie as the singer, Lauren on bass, and I was on guitar. We used a combination of my karaoke machine and Jackie's 8 track (cassette) recorder. Our first performance was at our schools lock in when I was about 15. We played our only song at the time which was appropriately named, "Too Long." I'm pretty sure I still know how to play it too. That night we ended up adding two more members, Patrick on drums and Greg on lead guitar. Our next big show was the talent show where we played our one song (Too Long) again AND made our full band debut by playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. Yes, this is on videotape, and yes, I did feel like a complete bad ass. It's still probably one of the best shows I've played. We had all our friends up in the front and as we got off stage everyone wanted to touch our hands. Bliss, that was bliss for me.

Sometimes, even being where I am now in my music career, I sit back and think, "Wow." We may not be the biggest band. We may not have that big of a following, but the fact that I'm actually getting up on stage... standing in a recording studio... being played on the radio (even doing an interview for one)... and have 2 CDs (with another one on the way) is amazing. I never, ever thought in a million years I would have the ovaries (my alternative to balls) to get even here. If nothing ends up coming of this, as much as I want it to, it will be okay. I'm trying. I'm learning so, so much, and I've made some fantastic friendships with people I probably would have never met otherwise.

So I'm very thankful for my red tape recorder, and even for my box of blackmail. It has all helped to shape me into the person I am today.

Do you want a martyr?

Day 3 - Your thoughts on religion.

Ahh, yes... religion... the mixed emotions I feel for you...

It's no secret that I do not believe in "God." Well, as far as there being some sort of mystical being, a white-haired man of all men, living somewhere in the universe... no I do not believe in that. Could there be some sort of "higher power" controlling us all, sure, I guess, but my major opinions on a "higher power" have to do with science, energy, and a little bit of quantum theory.

When I hear the word "religion," honestly, my first reaction is anger. Ignorance, intolerance, hatred and violence have all stemmed from this word. All the religious crazies have completely killed it for me. The overzealous reverends who come on TV to tell you that "God hates Fags" and all sorts of other intolerant nonsense should be enough to turn anyone away from organized religion. We should be preaching tolerance and acceptance instead.

I feel like if there is a "God" he is being severely misrepresented.

The wars that have been started because of the clash of faiths, the stigma that women are lessor creatures, this ALL COMES from religion. Some of the things that were written in the bible are completely enraging and insane. I can't bring myself to follow that. I can't associate myself with some of the teachings. It makes me crazy.

However, there is one religion that, so far, I can somewhat agree with, and that is Buddhism. I studied it very, very briefly 3 or 4 years ago now, and it's basically psychology. From what I understand, they don't technically have a God. Siddhartha was a man who achieved enlightenment so he became the Buddha, but he is not a God. Do I believe that Siddhartha achieved enlightenment the way it says in the book... no, but having a peaceful mind... learning how to appreciate everything around you... and learning how to take everyday stress and turn that into something positive... That's a fantastic thing to be teaching. And that's something I can get into.

I have friends who do believe in God, and I respect their decision. I actually like to talk about religion with them. I like learning more about the good aspects of it and clarifying all the questions I have. I know for some religion was beneficial. My uncle "found God" which helped motivate him to lead a better life, and you know what, that's fine. As long as you accept people for who they are and let them lead the lives they want to lead, that's fine. But the religious people who push everything on you, the people who stand outside of places and hold signs about "the rapture," the reverends who make TV appearances to tell people who to hate... they ruin it for everyone else.

Respect people, respect is all you need. Respect and happiness is all a religion should be teaching.