Make it die.

So... to keep with the trend I will say a positive thing(s) (#3) before I start:
I very much enjoy my new found acceptance of being alone with myself... and it's such a satisfying feeling knowing that none of my old pants fit.


But now on to the subject I intended to write about, something I have spoken of before... This subject being one of the most evil things ever created. Something that corrupts many people, ruins relationships of all kinds, starts wars, causes crimes, aids in illiteracy, and essentially kills so many people. What is this horrible, awful thing you may ask? Money.

What a horrible concept. A piece of paper, a number in a bank account, pretty much determines your standing as a human being. This thing that is, in all honesty, something we have made up has become something everyone craves, everyone needs. But why? Why did we let this spiral so horribly out of control? What seemingly started out as maybe a good idea is now pretty much the bane of my, and I would assume most peoples, existence.

I sacrifice my happiness, my very little precious time here on earth to obtain these numbers. And for what? To give those numbers to other people. To panic when those numbers start dwindling away. To carefully count, budget, decide how to spend those numbers in order to survive. 40 hours a week... 2,080 hours a year... and essentially 101,920 hours out of my entire life will be dedicated to numbers. Theoretical digits sitting in a bank account. We are slaves to numbers. And most of us allow numbers to effect our happiness.

If there was a way to stop caring, and not just fool myself into not caring, I would do it. But no matter how many times I tell myself not to let money bother me, I still find myself craving more of it. I feel that if money really didn't matter I would enjoy my job more. I'm allowing those numbers to effect my sanity, my happiness, they control my life. But how do I make this stop? I'm not nearly as money hungry as some people, and I wouldn't necessarily call myself money hungry at all. I just want enough of it to live comfortably. I want to be able to save for a vacation and buy groceries at the same time. That's not too much to ask for. There are so many times where I begin to panic, thoughts of "How the hell am I going to do this?" start filling my head and the anxiety sets in. NUMBERS, because of numbers. I have to sacrifice one thing to obtain another, I have to fight the battle of being responsible or having fun on a pretty much constant basis, and I don't want to have to do this forever. I have never known in my adult life what it was like to be comfortable, financial wise. And with the economy the way it is, I wonder if I will ever feel that way.

I don't want to want money. I don't want it to determine who I will ultimately marry (the only pressure put on me by my parents... to find someone who will help me live comfortably). But I do, and it probably will. And this cycle will never end, this cycle of numbers. Obtaining, budgeting, giving away, panicking, wanting. Though I'm hoping, with any luck, I may find myself "comfortable" someday. It's just the getting there that is sucking the soul right out of my body.

Disappear

So here is my positive thought of the day #2:

I really like how I look in the pants I'm wearing today. I tried them on thinking I wouldn't be able to squeeze my ass into them, but lo and behold! I'm in... and feelin' sexy. Kind of a nice, new feeling for me.


Moving on...

I've gone into a semi hibernation. For the first time in a while I'm actually enjoying alone time instead of fearing it. Corey goes in to work when I get out of it, Jon is usually off doing his own thing, so that leaves me the whole night to hang out with... me (and Valo). Usually, I'd rush around and try to make plans with people, fearing that I'd actually have to be alone with myself, but now I find it kind of nice.  I (attempt) write, sometimes I even pick up my guitar and play a little, I read, go shopping, go for bike rides (or do some sort of exercise) but most importantly I relax. Sometimes I just sit with the dog and watch TV for hours... It's... nice. I don't feel the need to run to other people to help me occupy my time. I'm completely comfortable with doing things alone.

Though, I know one of the reasons I've come to this is because I've stopped trusting almost everyone. At this point I have no idea who is real and who's a liar. I have no idea if the things being said to me are even real, so I find it easier to distance myself than to try to sort out the facts from fiction. And you know, since I've been in this hibernation mode, I've had very little drama in my life.

I often worry if my absence aggravates people, but the way I look at it, my very true friends don't really need me around all the time. I assume if it becomes a problem something will be said, but I think most understand that I get this way sometimes. Just, right now I'm having a hard time coming out of hibernation... and I can't fully decide whether or not that's a bad thing.

Brand New Start

My band has done some rearranging, much to the dismay of certain people. I wont get too much into it, but I will say this: When you're working with a group of people it is impossible for everyone be on the same page all the time... Different people have different ideas. However, when the majority of you agree on most things and one does not, something is clearly wrong. It doesn't mean that person is wrong, it doesn't mean that person is not talented, it simply means that maybe that person is trying to go in a direction that the rest don't want to go in, or has ideas and philosophies that maybe the rest don't agree with. As much as you don't want it to feel like a personal attack, it is, and as much as you want things to go smoothly between yourself the estranged member, they wont. Because like I've said before, being in a band is a LOT like being in a relationship, and break ups are never, ever easy. Though hopefully in time grudges will be forgotten and the reality of the situation will set in. And maybe they will see that we simply stopped postponing the inevitable.

Someday

I am not meant to be kept in a cage.
To repeat the same routine.
And all I want is to break free.
Maybe someday, maybe someday.


Maybe someday I will really be free.

Who wouldn't stand inside your love?

If you look to your right (and scroll down) you will see something new. Oh yes, my friends, that is what you think it is. I've held off on that awful twitter thing for so long, but it all came to an end because of that damn Mighty Boosh. I noticed on their twitter they were in New York City a few days prior to me seeing the "tweet," premiering a documentary that was made about them called, Journey of the Childmen: The Mighty Boosh on Tour. It was then that I decided I will NOT be out of the loop ever again, and got myself a fancy little twitter. So yes, I blame The Mighty Boosh. I WILL see them in person at least once in my lifetime, and hopefully I wont miss out again.

So the whole Mighty Boosh obsession came back after I dream I had about, who other than, Noel Fielding. My subconscious mind is obviously still a fan girl. In the dream Noel, Julian Barratt (Howard), Corey (I think it was Corey), and I were eating at some sort of diner. I was sitting next to Corey at first, but slowly gravitated towards Noel as our conversation become more in depth. We were discussing his artwork, and artwork in general (I think). I'm pretty sure at one point we started talking about vegetarianism (I just recently read somewhere that he's a vegetarian... who knows if that's true).

Anywayyy, much like every dream I ever have, somewhere during it there was a creepy house and a body of water. The spiritual part of me feels like there has to be some sort of reason behind this. For a few years now every single dream I have consists of those two things. Sometimes they are in different forms, for example, the body of water could range from an ocean to a stream, and the creepy house could be a mansion or just a shack in the woods. But despite the form, they are always there.

I tried looking it up, but it's all pretty vague. Here's what www.thecuriousdreamer.com had to say about the water thing:

A body of water such as an ocean, lake, etc. can represent:

• The context of your life—meaning the setting and situations within which the your life takes place—"your world"
• The unknown or a huge, deep area that you feel holds secrets 

Water can have many different meanings, depending on context:

• Satisfaction or quenching
• Ability to adapt or accommodate, as water assumes the shape of its container.
• Pervasiveness or ability to have far reaching effects, as water naturally flows and spreads into its surroundings
• Water that is flowing or changing shape can represent change, transformation, or movement forward in the dreamer's life—possibly out of the dreamer's control

And here is what it had to say about houses:

A house, apartment, flat, or any place of residence often represents you or your life, even if the dream residence does not resemble your actual residence. The events in the dream residence may represent events in your life. A house can also represent security, comfort, protection, familiarity, or belonging.
Also consider the mood and condition of the house (a dreary house might represent depression or sadness, a house with missing windows might represent personal boundary issues, etc.) and anything that particularly stands out about the house.

Well, the water one is pretty vague, and almost every dream symbol website has vague answers, but the house one I can see. The condition of the house I'm in is usually abandoned, messy, dark, and I always have an overall feeling of dread... Which, according to the paragraph above, means I'm depressed...

OR... dreams could just be dreams and not have any sort of meaning at all. I just find it odd that I've dreamt about the same things for years now....

What if all the world you think you know is an elaborate dream?

I was stuck behind a school bus today. I was driving back to work from my lunch break, and it was like fate itself wanted to help me procrastinate. It was one of those bus routes where they stopped at every single street. Normally I would be annoyed, but since I was on my way back into cubicle hell I looked at it as a little bit of a blessing. Remember that feeling of stepping off the school bus? For me it was usually a good one, a freeing feeling, especially during the warmer months. It's kind of how I feel when I get into my car after work, though not as strong.

But now-a-days I find myself unable to be as excited for anything as much as I was. Every time I think about that I'm reminded of a scene in Knocked Up where the main character is talking to his baby-mama's brother in-law about his kids. The two guys are sitting in a park watching the kids play with bubbles and the brother in-law says something about how he wishes he could be as excited about anything like his kids are about bubbles. That's exactly the way I feel.

I remember seeing Orgy for the first (and only) time. I honestly don't think I have been more excited for something in my entire life thus far. I was about to see my favorite band ever LIVE, in person. I was sharing the same room with five guys I knew a ridiculous (and somewhat embarrassing) amount of information about, men that I basically worshiped. I was so excited when they took the stage my heart could have burst. Now fast forward from then to a few years ago. I was standing in line on the tour bus that held two of the former members of Orgy. One of those men being Amir Derakh, one of my personal musical idols, and both of those men being the reason I decided to pick up a guitar in the first place. I was leaning on their tour bus about to speak with them face to face, and all I could think about was how much more excited I should have been. My 14 year old self would have been crying, but the 22 year old woman could only manage an excited smile. Don't get me wrong, I am so, so happy I had the chance to talk to them, hug them, and see for myself that they were actual people... but the lack of excitement for the whole situation was pretty shocking to me.

Every time I go to a concert, am about to meet someone famous, do something crazy that I've never done before... I'm never as excited as I should be... as I WOULD HAVE been. Which always begs me to ask the question... Why? What is wrong with me? I miss being overly excited. I loved that feeling. Is this just a sign that I'm slowly becoming more apathetic as time passes? Is this what adulthood is supposed to feel like because I don't like it. I feel like life is beating me down into mental submission.... like I have to be somewhat numb to be able to get through the rest of it. Perhaps it's pessimism manifesting itself in a different way... Sucking every positive thought or happy action right out of my head... Reminding me subconsciously that nothing really awesome happens to me...

....Oooor maybe I'm reading WAY too much into it. Either way, I should still probably try to work on that pessimism thing.... and that depression thing... so I can maybe start to feel the excitement in life like I used to.

Slacker

So that whole updating regularly thing? Not so sure that's going to happen. I have such a hard time thinking about what I should write about on here. I'm not so sure what I want to share with the general public, and that's the primary reason for my hesitation. I have yet to find any privacy settings on this site, and every time I think about writing in my livejournal I suddenly feel 16... and angsty. I think that's what livejournal is supposed to do to you... and I'm not sure I like it.

Anywayyyy... here's a little update:

Summer has begun, and that makes me a happy panda. I'm so excited to do everything summer related, but haven't really had the time to enjoy it yet. I've been playing shows non stop since the end of May so my entire schedule has revolved around that. This past weekend was the first time in a while where I had nothing to do and nowhere to be... and oh yes, I was very lazy. I have a good excuse for my laziness though... it was rainy... And who wants to do summery things in the rain? Not this girl. I also think I might be getting sick because I slept 90% of the weekend away and was still tired. Excuses aside, I can't wait to get into full summer mode. Carnivals, amusement parks (even though I don't participate in the rides I still like the atmosphere), lakes, hiking, the beach, summer shows (local and national), swimming, canoeing, biking, the lake house, bon fires... oh yeah... and VEGAS.

Summer and the end of spring are my second favorite times of the year... a close second to the beginning and middle of fall (which I'm also very much looking forward to). For some reason, those whole chunks of the year always cause me to reflect upon my life. I become very contemplative and sometimes over analytical of everything, not that I'm not like that ALL year long, but during this time it's amplified. Maybe it's the leftover Pavlov effect on my brain, every year right around this time I was set free from the binds of school life and was able to enjoy almost 3 months of freedom. The first sight of green and nice, warm weather instantly sends my brain into slacker mode, into flight mode, constantly scheming up ways to find some sort of freedom from the robotic, monotonous working world. But no. I'm stuck. Held back by that horrible, HORRIBLE thing called responsibility. Sometimes I wish my parents were rich. My Daddy (or Mommy) takes care of me and buys my house... and my car... and all my pretty things... and like a little Paris Hilton, I could just sit back, relax, party, and travel. But instead, I was taught responsibility.

At this point, I've pretty much come to terms that I'm stuck in the working world for (at least) 40 more years. Though part of me is hoping that it wont be this hard, boring, monotonous, and at times STUPID, forever. I want to find something that doesn't feel like work, but don't we all. I'd like to think that it's not completely impossible. Ideally, I'd really like this music thing to work out... but if it doesn't I'd like to be doing something else that I at least enjoy. Designing is okay, but I do not understand how people do this for a lifelong career. I've only been in the business for almost 5 years and I'm almost completely burnt out. Maybe it's the job. Maybe if I had something else I'd have this amazing flow of creativity return to me. But as for right now, I'm running on empty... running on creative fumes... and it's actually pretty upsetting.

So what in the HELL am I going to do? This is my current dilemma. And I'm hoping to find a solution to this very, very soon.