Another year has come and gone. It seems like it was only yesterday that 2010 was fresh and new, but now it is time to say goodbye. My (ever so slight) OCD is going a little crazy thinking about this upcoming year. I have something against odd numbers. Don't ask me to explain it to you because there is no reasonable explanation for it... they just make me uncomfortable... and for some reason 2011 just does not sit right with me. Yes, yes I do realize that my birthday is an 11, but that's different (apparently). So despite my disdain for the number, I'm still excited to see what it has to bring.
2010 has brought the usual ups and downs. Good times and bad, but overall it was a decent year. With time comes knowledge and 2010 was no exception. This year I learned even more about people and myself. This may have been the first time in a long time where I've been okay with seeking solitude, which I have talked about in past entries. I'm also coming to accept friends for who they are (also discussed in past entries). I'm learning how to take life as it comes.
However, I have had some set backs. I feel like my anxiety control took a little bit of a dive. Luckily, I have discovered a trigger (caffeine) so it's a little easier to psych myself out of it knowing the cause. And unfortunately, this year I have developed a very, verrryyy huge addiction to caffeine. I'm hoping my body will become accustomed to it and will stop making me anxious because I have no plans to stop drinking coffee in the near future. So listen body... deal with it. But besides the caffeine, I've noticed my anxiety popping up in random places again, my OCD being one of the things that is starting to return.
Like I've discussed before, I think people are going to die all the time, so the OCD comes into play during those times. I'll have to turn something a certain way, make sure something is turned off, do a certain thing, or say something that I've thought or else someone is certainly going to die. I had it under control for a little while, but for some reason it's starting to come back in full force.
The other not-so-positive thing I've discovered, well... come to accept is probably a better way to phrase this, is that I still have absolutely no self esteem. This is common for most of us I feel, but I know my lack of self esteem bothers some people. I think last year I had vowed to try to like myself. I had even started doing "positive thought of the day" in my blog, but those stopped. For a while I would try to think one nice thing about myself and share it with one of the people that I aggravate with my negative self image, but that also stopped. I feel too conceited when I think nice things about me, so I usually follow it up with something negative just to balance it out. That's just how I've always been. I'm just a glass half empty kind of girl...
BUT! A positive thing that I have done for myself this year was get to my goal weight... and even below that. I've discovered a new love of exercise... particularly the love of bike riding. That's what helped me during the summer. I'm not a huge fan of gyms, but unfortunately they are necessary for me to stay at the weight I'm at. During the end of the summer I lost the rest of the weight I needed and now I'm back down to what I weighed in high school. I'm very proud of myself, and I hope that isn't conceited, but I worked really hard to get there... I even gave up juice and soda (for the most part, I still have one every so often). I've fluctuated a bit during the holidays (I had a 3 day cookie binge... don't judge me), but I'm still happy for the most part.
So for next year, I have some goals to work towards. I refuse to make resolutions because I think they are stupid and easily given up on. Goals are more open. This year I'm going to travel. I'm also putting some very, very serious thought into a month long European adventure. That may take longer then a year to plan, but my goal is to at least work towards that and set a serious date. I need to see Europe. It calls to me, and any one of my friends who would like to seriously work towards this with me are more than welcome. It's easier to stay motivated if you have someone who wants it to happen just as badly as you do.
I'm also going to work on conquering some more fears. My friend wants me to sky dive with her and while I'm absolutely terrified I'm putting some serious thought into it. My excuse has been that I've just got over my fear of flying, so it may take me a bit to work up the courage to jump OUT of a plane. That will for sure be the most insane thing I've ever done and I think I will end up regretting it if I don't do it. So we will see...
I'm also going to work on liking myself. Gaining self esteem has been a pretty long term goal, but I've never actually made any progress. My band has joked with me that I need to get an ego, and while I don't want an ego, adding a little bit of egotistical thoughts to my brain may help me out a little. I'm still working on getting over being shy. My band was a HUGE push to get over that, but deep down I'm still the same awkward little girl. This too may take longer than a year, but it's something that I will be working on in 2011.
So goodbye 2010. Thank you for the lessons. I look forward to reminiscing about you. As for you 2011, I am looking forward to all the new things you will be teaching me... I'm ready for you.
30 December, 2010
22 December, 2010
Please Forgive Me.
I remember where I was when the phone rang. Depression had rendered me useless and I sat plopped in the center of the couch, wrapped in my favorite blanket, staring idly at the TV. I can't remember what was on, but I'm sure it was nothing good. I had been waiting for this phone call... Dreading it is probably more accurate of a word, but I knew it was coming. I had been warned for months now to expect it, so when it rang and my mothers name popped up on the screen, I knew. Before answering my heart had already sank, the tears eagerly got in line behind my eyes waiting for their cue to fall, and with one breath, one syllable from my mothers lips, no other words were necessary. I knew what had happened. I knew she was gone. A feeling that I had never quite felt before filled my entire body. An overwhelming mixture of sadness and helplessness. "One more day..." kept repeating over and over in my mind which only added to the the helplessness, the uselessness. There were no more days, not now. I tried to recall what the last things I had said to her were. I wondered if she had even known I was there during my last visit. I silently spoke to her through the atmosphere whispering over and over again that I loved her and missed her already, but I was happy she was no longer in pain. After taking a second to cry uncontrollably, I gathered myself and called my then boyfriend. He too knew this was coming and only needed a, "You need to come home now," in order to know what had happened. He came home right away and I collapsed into his arms and cried. I felt like the tears would never stop. I suddenly understood that it was actually possible to cry for days because I had no intention of stopping. This was the day I lost my grandmother. The day that we had escaped a few times before and I had childishly hoped would never come.
My maternal grandmother, my Nana, was someone I was very close to, much like the rest of my mom's side of the family. We spent every holiday with her and would frequently visit. She was a huge part of my childhood and played babysitter (with the help of my aunt of course) every time my parents would go away. She was diagnosed with emphysema when she was in her 60's so I was accustomed to seeing her with inhalers, and later on in life with oxygen, but it was normal. Since she had a lung disease, when she got sick, she really got sick. I remember a few times when I was younger that my mom and aunt had to go down to Connecticut, where she was living at the time, to take care of her. I don't think they ever tried to insinuate the severity of those times, but I always picked up on it... Though she always ended up pulling through. She ended up moving closer to my mom and aunt which was nice for my sister and I because that meant we were able to see her more often. She attended every one of my functions she could and we would go to visit her on a regular basis. I think my favorite thing to do with her was to go to plays. I was lucky enough to see a few of them with her, JUST her. Those were my favorite times. I loved having all her attention. I loved her, and still do, with just about every fiber of my being.
But there is one thing that still plagues my brain, still haunts me to this day, and still pains me to think about or say. I've thought about this entry for years now and every time I go to write it I would delete everything because it's painful for me to admit... but here it is:
My Nana died on December 17, 2006. I was 20 and still very much in my own selfish world. I think I was about 19 when my mother sat me down to tell me that I was upsetting her. I was a little taken back by it. How could I be hurting her? I guess my cousin would call her on a pretty regular basis, something my sister and I did not do. My cousin lived in New Jersey and went to school in Pennsylvania so she did not get to see her as often as Ali and I did, so to make up for it she would call. I guess my grandmother started wondering why my sister and I didn't do the same thing. I started getting defensive. I used the excuse of "Well (my cousin) doesn't see her as often as we do, that's why she calls!" and "I'm really busy and have to work all the time!" My mother agreed, but suggested that we maybe start emailing her. I ended up talking to my sister about it and we decided that we would go and have lunch with her on a regular basis. We knew she would like that and we thought it was a great plan. But for some reason or another, we never got around to it. And when my grandmother got sick in October of 2006 THAT was the first thing to cross my mind. Why didn't we go? We should have gone. Maybe it was the child in me, I foolishly thought that I would have more time, but this was it. She would not pull through this time.
I tried to visit as often as I could during her final months. That was quite possibly the hardest thing I have EVER had to do in my entire life. Watching someone dying is the most overwhelming thing to be a part of. I would hold her hand, tell her I loved her, but would have to frequently leave the room when it was too much to take. I would get out of earshot and cry. I still don't know if she knew I was there. I'm not sure she knew who I was if she did know someone was there, but I would do it all again if I had to.
My biggest fear is that she didn't know how much she meant to me. Just because I didn't call as often as I should did not EVER mean that I didn't love her. I don't think I showed her how much she meant to me. I can't believe how selfish I was, how completely wrapped up in myself I was, that I couldn't just take a few fucking weekends to go have lunch with her. I feel like the biggest, most worthless piece of shit for not doing it. I regret it as much as someone could ever regret something, and the fact that I can never take it back eats away at my brain.
I still talk to her as though somehow she can hear me, and I've told her through that way that I am sorry. I still tell her I love her when I feel the need. When I do something that I think she would be proud of I tell her that I wish she was there to see. I have no idea what the hell happens when you die, but I hope that if she can hear me, she's listening... Nana, I love you, I miss you and I'm so, so sorry for being selfish. Please forgive me.
My maternal grandmother, my Nana, was someone I was very close to, much like the rest of my mom's side of the family. We spent every holiday with her and would frequently visit. She was a huge part of my childhood and played babysitter (with the help of my aunt of course) every time my parents would go away. She was diagnosed with emphysema when she was in her 60's so I was accustomed to seeing her with inhalers, and later on in life with oxygen, but it was normal. Since she had a lung disease, when she got sick, she really got sick. I remember a few times when I was younger that my mom and aunt had to go down to Connecticut, where she was living at the time, to take care of her. I don't think they ever tried to insinuate the severity of those times, but I always picked up on it... Though she always ended up pulling through. She ended up moving closer to my mom and aunt which was nice for my sister and I because that meant we were able to see her more often. She attended every one of my functions she could and we would go to visit her on a regular basis. I think my favorite thing to do with her was to go to plays. I was lucky enough to see a few of them with her, JUST her. Those were my favorite times. I loved having all her attention. I loved her, and still do, with just about every fiber of my being.
But there is one thing that still plagues my brain, still haunts me to this day, and still pains me to think about or say. I've thought about this entry for years now and every time I go to write it I would delete everything because it's painful for me to admit... but here it is:
My Nana died on December 17, 2006. I was 20 and still very much in my own selfish world. I think I was about 19 when my mother sat me down to tell me that I was upsetting her. I was a little taken back by it. How could I be hurting her? I guess my cousin would call her on a pretty regular basis, something my sister and I did not do. My cousin lived in New Jersey and went to school in Pennsylvania so she did not get to see her as often as Ali and I did, so to make up for it she would call. I guess my grandmother started wondering why my sister and I didn't do the same thing. I started getting defensive. I used the excuse of "Well (my cousin) doesn't see her as often as we do, that's why she calls!" and "I'm really busy and have to work all the time!" My mother agreed, but suggested that we maybe start emailing her. I ended up talking to my sister about it and we decided that we would go and have lunch with her on a regular basis. We knew she would like that and we thought it was a great plan. But for some reason or another, we never got around to it. And when my grandmother got sick in October of 2006 THAT was the first thing to cross my mind. Why didn't we go? We should have gone. Maybe it was the child in me, I foolishly thought that I would have more time, but this was it. She would not pull through this time.
I tried to visit as often as I could during her final months. That was quite possibly the hardest thing I have EVER had to do in my entire life. Watching someone dying is the most overwhelming thing to be a part of. I would hold her hand, tell her I loved her, but would have to frequently leave the room when it was too much to take. I would get out of earshot and cry. I still don't know if she knew I was there. I'm not sure she knew who I was if she did know someone was there, but I would do it all again if I had to.
My biggest fear is that she didn't know how much she meant to me. Just because I didn't call as often as I should did not EVER mean that I didn't love her. I don't think I showed her how much she meant to me. I can't believe how selfish I was, how completely wrapped up in myself I was, that I couldn't just take a few fucking weekends to go have lunch with her. I feel like the biggest, most worthless piece of shit for not doing it. I regret it as much as someone could ever regret something, and the fact that I can never take it back eats away at my brain.
I still talk to her as though somehow she can hear me, and I've told her through that way that I am sorry. I still tell her I love her when I feel the need. When I do something that I think she would be proud of I tell her that I wish she was there to see. I have no idea what the hell happens when you die, but I hope that if she can hear me, she's listening... Nana, I love you, I miss you and I'm so, so sorry for being selfish. Please forgive me.
09 December, 2010
Numbers
So I too fell victim to the numbers game on Facebook, but instead of littering everyone's news feed with my responses I decided to just combine them into one blog post. I like this game because it gives you a chance to see how people really feel about you. Though I know not everyone will be 100% truthful (because no one ever is), but for the following numbers... I vow to only speak the truth.
42: I met you the day Corey and I met. At first I was a little intimidated by you. You are loud and truthful, and I can be pretty shy in new situations. Though the more I get to know you the more I like you for who you are. You're not fake. You lay out your emotions and feelings on the table and I find that to be a very admirable quality. Even though we aren't particularly close, I do tend to worry about you... especially during those dark times you were going through (I assume you know what I'm talking about)... and you scare me a little when you've had a bit too much to drink. But I honestly think you deserve nothing but happiness in your life, and I can only hope you are happy now. :)
2: My earliest memory of you is from softball... and the next most prominent memory after that would be ski club in High School. I can't tell you how happy I was that you were there. None of my other friends joined so you were the only person I felt I could talk to. You've always been such a nice, fun, outgoing individual and I've always enjoyed your company. I honestly can't remember the last time we have seen each other, I think it may have been when I went to Petsmart and you were working at Banfield... Either way, it's been too long... and maybe someday we can catch up :)
1989: You are my best friend. You are the only one that I feel can truly understand me. You're the only one who has seen ALL of my flaws, yet you continue to want to be around me. And you're the only one that I know wont sugarcoat the truth... you don't just tell me what I want to hear and I value your opinion over just about everyone else. I'm glad that we have the relationship we do and I would never pass it up for anything in the world. I will always be here for you, whether you want me to or not.
1138: Back in high school I thought you hated me so I never really tried to get to know you. I think it was at Jackie's party YEARS ago when we first started talking, and I'm glad we did. I've learned so, so much about politics from you. I love getting your opinion on everything that's going on. Though you do have a little bit of trouble keeping out of debates (haha!)... Just remember to pick and choose your battles (even though I know, sometimes it's very hard NOT to say something). You are incredibly smart, too smart for your current workplace ;) I'm extremely happy to hear about your plans to return to school... and even if it doesn't happen now I know somewhere down the line it will. You are destined for great things... just make sure you keep the motivation. You are too smart to let that go to waste.
1985: You've helped me in so many ways over the past almost 3 years. We fell out of contact for a while there, but it was like no time had passed at all once we started talking again. I appreciate every heart to heart and every piece of advice. You helped me through some very confusing and hard times and I can never thank you enough. You are one of my most beautiful friends, inside and out! Not to mention, you being one of my favorite party buddies :) You are such a strong, independent, outgoing woman and I look up to you so much for that!
8675309: You. You are probably the only other person that almost knows me as well as 1989. I've known you for 10 years and during that time we have grown up so much. You make me worry sometimes, and I really would like to see you HAPPY (not this fake happy bullshit you've got going on). You have so much potential, and I don't want to see you waste it. You're my favorite shopping buddy, someone I feel I can always talk to and get sound advice from... You're my other best friend, and I'm glad we went through everything we did. I feel like I've learned a lot from you, and you have probably influenced my life the most. I thank you so much for always being there, for being so incredibly supportive, and for being such a good friend.
If you didn't give me a number, but would like to know my opinion of you, just message me a number and I'll do one.
42: I met you the day Corey and I met. At first I was a little intimidated by you. You are loud and truthful, and I can be pretty shy in new situations. Though the more I get to know you the more I like you for who you are. You're not fake. You lay out your emotions and feelings on the table and I find that to be a very admirable quality. Even though we aren't particularly close, I do tend to worry about you... especially during those dark times you were going through (I assume you know what I'm talking about)... and you scare me a little when you've had a bit too much to drink. But I honestly think you deserve nothing but happiness in your life, and I can only hope you are happy now. :)
2: My earliest memory of you is from softball... and the next most prominent memory after that would be ski club in High School. I can't tell you how happy I was that you were there. None of my other friends joined so you were the only person I felt I could talk to. You've always been such a nice, fun, outgoing individual and I've always enjoyed your company. I honestly can't remember the last time we have seen each other, I think it may have been when I went to Petsmart and you were working at Banfield... Either way, it's been too long... and maybe someday we can catch up :)
1989: You are my best friend. You are the only one that I feel can truly understand me. You're the only one who has seen ALL of my flaws, yet you continue to want to be around me. And you're the only one that I know wont sugarcoat the truth... you don't just tell me what I want to hear and I value your opinion over just about everyone else. I'm glad that we have the relationship we do and I would never pass it up for anything in the world. I will always be here for you, whether you want me to or not.
1138: Back in high school I thought you hated me so I never really tried to get to know you. I think it was at Jackie's party YEARS ago when we first started talking, and I'm glad we did. I've learned so, so much about politics from you. I love getting your opinion on everything that's going on. Though you do have a little bit of trouble keeping out of debates (haha!)... Just remember to pick and choose your battles (even though I know, sometimes it's very hard NOT to say something). You are incredibly smart, too smart for your current workplace ;) I'm extremely happy to hear about your plans to return to school... and even if it doesn't happen now I know somewhere down the line it will. You are destined for great things... just make sure you keep the motivation. You are too smart to let that go to waste.
1985: You've helped me in so many ways over the past almost 3 years. We fell out of contact for a while there, but it was like no time had passed at all once we started talking again. I appreciate every heart to heart and every piece of advice. You helped me through some very confusing and hard times and I can never thank you enough. You are one of my most beautiful friends, inside and out! Not to mention, you being one of my favorite party buddies :) You are such a strong, independent, outgoing woman and I look up to you so much for that!
8675309: You. You are probably the only other person that almost knows me as well as 1989. I've known you for 10 years and during that time we have grown up so much. You make me worry sometimes, and I really would like to see you HAPPY (not this fake happy bullshit you've got going on). You have so much potential, and I don't want to see you waste it. You're my favorite shopping buddy, someone I feel I can always talk to and get sound advice from... You're my other best friend, and I'm glad we went through everything we did. I feel like I've learned a lot from you, and you have probably influenced my life the most. I thank you so much for always being there, for being so incredibly supportive, and for being such a good friend.
If you didn't give me a number, but would like to know my opinion of you, just message me a number and I'll do one.
07 December, 2010
They call me... Ray of Sunshine
This past Saturday I was running late for a show in Plaistow. Corey and I had a little miscommunication issue so we left about a half hour behind schedule. He, his sister and I were traveling down route 111 in Hudson when, seemingly out of nowhere, break lights were all we could see. Naturally my first instinct was to get annoyed, as I usually am in traffic, but as we came closer to the cause of all the congestion my mood changed. At first we thought it was a car accident, but the only cars we could see were ones that had pulled over to help. Then we thought maybe it was a motorcycle accident, but a few seconds after that was suggested we discovered that it was a pedestrian who had been hit. I was driving so I only got a quick glimpse of him, but that was enough. Corey was in the passenger side and got the "best" look at what happened. After we drove past he just looked forward and said, "Oh god... he's dead. He's definitely dead." Which made all of us in the car feel a little off, but most of all Corey. I tried to be positive about the situation and hoped that he would be okay, but Monday we all discovered that he had not made it. (See this article for more information)
That morbid scene then became an in depth discussion between the three of us. Corey had been the most affected. He claimed it made him question his own mortality and made him realize that death can come at any time. I can't fully speak for his sister, but I can say that it didn't affect me as much. I told him that I must be desensitized by death, to which he said that most of society is. Obviously, the scene made me think. Obviously, it made me sad. But no, it did not make me as upset as it made Corey. This may be because death is something I think about on a constant basis.
This, with the exception of funerals, was the first time I've seen death "in person." I've watched people dying (but never actually die). I've always had a morbid fascination with death, ghosts and haunted places. And on top of it all, the number one symptom of my lifelong anxiety disorder is my overwhelming fear of death.
Ever since I was a little girl I've had issues with leaving people. Still to this day I can't help but have a minor freak out every single time I say goodbye to those I care about. For some reason, my brain likes to make me think "they're going to die" every... single... time someone walks out the door. I've been dealing with this for almost 25 years now, so I've learned little ways to calm myself down. My earliest memory of this was when I was between 3 and 5 years old. I remember staring out the window at my parents as they left to celebrate their anniversary. I remember the panic start to fill my body. Then, and for years after that, my family just called me a "worrier." It was somewhat of a joke, but it wasn't until maybe high school that I realized it was anxiety. I used to sit up in the middle of the night for hours having panic attack after panic attack thinking to myself that something was wrong... that my parents were going to die. Sometimes it was so severe that I had to go into my parents room to check on them. I would wake up my mom and use the "I had a bad dream" excuse just to put my mind at ease... just to know she was still alive.
Now, I know exactly what those feeling are. I know how to try and talk myself out of them, but they are still there constantly nagging me. I have no idea where this irrational fear of death came from. And I don't fully understand how can I be simultaneously fascinated and afraid of it. I know it's just a natural part of life. It's something we all have to deal with, and there is really no way of stopping it from coming. I've experienced a good amount of death in my time. I've been to kind of a ridiculous amount of funerals for someone so young, but still I fear it. I still think about people dying all of the time.... so I think that's why when I was faced with the death of the man on the side of the road I could somewhat keep the same state of mind. Again, it's not that I wasn't sad for him (because I am, very much so), I just wasn't as affected as Corey. Sometimes I think he thinks he's invincible, so maybe the man on the side of the road served as a bit of a reminder to him that he should be a little careful. But maybe I should adopt a little bit of this invincible thinking so I don't slowly drive myself insane...
That morbid scene then became an in depth discussion between the three of us. Corey had been the most affected. He claimed it made him question his own mortality and made him realize that death can come at any time. I can't fully speak for his sister, but I can say that it didn't affect me as much. I told him that I must be desensitized by death, to which he said that most of society is. Obviously, the scene made me think. Obviously, it made me sad. But no, it did not make me as upset as it made Corey. This may be because death is something I think about on a constant basis.
This, with the exception of funerals, was the first time I've seen death "in person." I've watched people dying (but never actually die). I've always had a morbid fascination with death, ghosts and haunted places. And on top of it all, the number one symptom of my lifelong anxiety disorder is my overwhelming fear of death.
Ever since I was a little girl I've had issues with leaving people. Still to this day I can't help but have a minor freak out every single time I say goodbye to those I care about. For some reason, my brain likes to make me think "they're going to die" every... single... time someone walks out the door. I've been dealing with this for almost 25 years now, so I've learned little ways to calm myself down. My earliest memory of this was when I was between 3 and 5 years old. I remember staring out the window at my parents as they left to celebrate their anniversary. I remember the panic start to fill my body. Then, and for years after that, my family just called me a "worrier." It was somewhat of a joke, but it wasn't until maybe high school that I realized it was anxiety. I used to sit up in the middle of the night for hours having panic attack after panic attack thinking to myself that something was wrong... that my parents were going to die. Sometimes it was so severe that I had to go into my parents room to check on them. I would wake up my mom and use the "I had a bad dream" excuse just to put my mind at ease... just to know she was still alive.
Now, I know exactly what those feeling are. I know how to try and talk myself out of them, but they are still there constantly nagging me. I have no idea where this irrational fear of death came from. And I don't fully understand how can I be simultaneously fascinated and afraid of it. I know it's just a natural part of life. It's something we all have to deal with, and there is really no way of stopping it from coming. I've experienced a good amount of death in my time. I've been to kind of a ridiculous amount of funerals for someone so young, but still I fear it. I still think about people dying all of the time.... so I think that's why when I was faced with the death of the man on the side of the road I could somewhat keep the same state of mind. Again, it's not that I wasn't sad for him (because I am, very much so), I just wasn't as affected as Corey. Sometimes I think he thinks he's invincible, so maybe the man on the side of the road served as a bit of a reminder to him that he should be a little careful. But maybe I should adopt a little bit of this invincible thinking so I don't slowly drive myself insane...
01 December, 2010
The Magic is Gone.
Yesterday, after I got home from work, my neighbor came outside to talk to me (for the sake of understanding the rest of my story you need to know that I live in a duplex). She wanted to inform me that her 4 year old son requested that my roommate put up the Christmas lights very soon. Theirs aren't working this year, and he is very concerned that Santa will not be able to find our house unless my roommate (not Corey or I) puts them up. I laughed and assured her that I would pass along the message and make sure we get them up, stat.
Hearing her sons concern about Santa made me remember how amazing Christmas time used to be. I loved everything about it, getting the tree, decorating it, putting up the lights, the music, driving around looking at the lights, the feel, the presents of course... everything. Those are all things that I still appreciate now, but not to the same caliber as when I was younger. I remember having dreams about it being Christmas, but then waking from them with this immense disappointment as I realized it was in fact not Christmas but rather the middle of July. Remember that excitement? Remember that feeling? It's gone now, at least for me. The feeling of Christmas has gone from my selfish excitement of getting presents to a selfless love of giving presents to other people. That's my main feeling when it comes to this time of the year. I seriously love buying things for other people, and Christmas is a great excuse to spoil the shit out of everyone I love.
I'm trying to recall when the "magic" died for me. It may have been around the time when I discovered the truth about Santa. For years I had been trying to decide on whether or not I was going to instill the idea of this Santa fellow into my future children. Recently, I came to the decision that the disappointment that comes later on when you realize that there really are no mystical, magical beings is worth the excitement in the years prior. Believing in Santa was a fun experience and I want my kids to experience the same joy that I did.
As I started to get older and question the idea, I would conduct my own experiments to try and prove whether or not he was real. I remember when I finally came to accept the truth. It was the day after Christmas and I was driving around with my dad and sister. There was a specific house on route 3A in Litchfield that is slightly downhill from the road and it gives you a clear view of the roof. Of course, all children know that Santa and his sleigh land on the roof, so I, being the clever little Santa debunker that I was, looked on the roof for any sign of sleigh or reindeer tracks. And much to my dismay, I saw none. It was then that I decided there was no Santa. The following Christmas only solidified my believe as I heard my mom and aunt sneaking downstairs with all the presents. I refused to admit the truth to my parents at first. I was scared that all the presents would stop once they realized I didn't believe, but I eventually decided they needed to know. I remember sadly walking into their room, looking at my mom, and with the most disappointed, monotone voice I reluctantly said, "Mom, I know there's no Santa" then turned and walked out of the room. And while it's actually kind of funny to me now, seeing how completely dramatic I needed to be about the whole thing, it was devastating for me at the time. The Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, all those I stopped believing in long, long before Santa. I mean really, how can you believe that there is this giant bunny creature hopping around hiding eggs in your house? That's kind of terrifying. But Santa, Santa I wanted to be real. Even though when you think about that it's equally as terrifying. That's breaking and entering, Santa... Just so you know.
Now, I think the thing I'm most looking forward to is being able to share the magic of Christmas with my own children. Of course, I'm not ready for that now. I have the rest of my 20's to live out before I start the baby making process. And I know it will be a few years before they will fully come to understand what Christmas means, but when that time comes I think the "magic" will begin to grow for me again. To see their faces and share in their excitement, to introduce them to old family traditions and create new ones of our own, that to me will create a completely new experience. And it's actually something I'm very much looking forward to...
... When I'm 30. :)
Hearing her sons concern about Santa made me remember how amazing Christmas time used to be. I loved everything about it, getting the tree, decorating it, putting up the lights, the music, driving around looking at the lights, the feel, the presents of course... everything. Those are all things that I still appreciate now, but not to the same caliber as when I was younger. I remember having dreams about it being Christmas, but then waking from them with this immense disappointment as I realized it was in fact not Christmas but rather the middle of July. Remember that excitement? Remember that feeling? It's gone now, at least for me. The feeling of Christmas has gone from my selfish excitement of getting presents to a selfless love of giving presents to other people. That's my main feeling when it comes to this time of the year. I seriously love buying things for other people, and Christmas is a great excuse to spoil the shit out of everyone I love.
I'm trying to recall when the "magic" died for me. It may have been around the time when I discovered the truth about Santa. For years I had been trying to decide on whether or not I was going to instill the idea of this Santa fellow into my future children. Recently, I came to the decision that the disappointment that comes later on when you realize that there really are no mystical, magical beings is worth the excitement in the years prior. Believing in Santa was a fun experience and I want my kids to experience the same joy that I did.
As I started to get older and question the idea, I would conduct my own experiments to try and prove whether or not he was real. I remember when I finally came to accept the truth. It was the day after Christmas and I was driving around with my dad and sister. There was a specific house on route 3A in Litchfield that is slightly downhill from the road and it gives you a clear view of the roof. Of course, all children know that Santa and his sleigh land on the roof, so I, being the clever little Santa debunker that I was, looked on the roof for any sign of sleigh or reindeer tracks. And much to my dismay, I saw none. It was then that I decided there was no Santa. The following Christmas only solidified my believe as I heard my mom and aunt sneaking downstairs with all the presents. I refused to admit the truth to my parents at first. I was scared that all the presents would stop once they realized I didn't believe, but I eventually decided they needed to know. I remember sadly walking into their room, looking at my mom, and with the most disappointed, monotone voice I reluctantly said, "Mom, I know there's no Santa" then turned and walked out of the room. And while it's actually kind of funny to me now, seeing how completely dramatic I needed to be about the whole thing, it was devastating for me at the time. The Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, all those I stopped believing in long, long before Santa. I mean really, how can you believe that there is this giant bunny creature hopping around hiding eggs in your house? That's kind of terrifying. But Santa, Santa I wanted to be real. Even though when you think about that it's equally as terrifying. That's breaking and entering, Santa... Just so you know.
Now, I think the thing I'm most looking forward to is being able to share the magic of Christmas with my own children. Of course, I'm not ready for that now. I have the rest of my 20's to live out before I start the baby making process. And I know it will be a few years before they will fully come to understand what Christmas means, but when that time comes I think the "magic" will begin to grow for me again. To see their faces and share in their excitement, to introduce them to old family traditions and create new ones of our own, that to me will create a completely new experience. And it's actually something I'm very much looking forward to...
... When I'm 30. :)
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