Goodbye, Goodbye.

Another year has come and gone. It seems like it was only yesterday that 2010 was fresh and new, but now it is time to say goodbye. My (ever so slight) OCD is going a little crazy thinking about this upcoming year. I have something against odd numbers. Don't ask me to explain it to you because there is no reasonable explanation for it... they just make me uncomfortable... and for some reason 2011 just does not sit right with me. Yes, yes I do realize that my birthday is an 11, but that's different (apparently). So despite my disdain for the number, I'm still excited to see what it has to bring.

2010 has brought the usual ups and downs. Good times and bad, but overall it was a decent year. With time comes knowledge and 2010 was no exception. This year I learned even more about people and myself. This may have been the first time in a long time where I've been okay with seeking solitude, which I have talked about in past entries. I'm also coming to accept friends for who they are (also discussed in past entries). I'm learning how to take life as it comes.

However, I have had some set backs. I feel like my anxiety control took a little bit of a dive. Luckily, I have discovered a trigger (caffeine) so it's a little easier to psych myself out of it knowing the cause. And unfortunately, this year I have developed a very, verrryyy huge addiction to caffeine. I'm hoping my body will become accustomed to it and will stop making me anxious because I have no plans to stop drinking coffee in the near future. So listen body... deal with it. But besides the caffeine, I've noticed my anxiety popping up in random places again, my OCD being one of the things that is starting to return.

Like I've discussed before, I think people are going to die all the time, so the OCD comes into play during those times. I'll have to turn something a certain way, make sure something is turned off, do a certain thing, or say something that I've thought or else someone is certainly going to die. I had it under control for a little while, but for some reason it's starting to come back in full force.

The other not-so-positive thing I've discovered, well... come to accept is probably a better way to phrase this, is that I still have absolutely no self esteem. This is common for most of us I feel, but I know my lack of self esteem bothers some people. I think last year I had vowed to try to like myself. I had even started doing "positive thought of the day" in my blog, but those stopped. For a while I would try to think one nice thing about myself and share it with one of the people that I aggravate with my negative self image, but that also stopped. I feel too conceited when I think nice things about me, so I usually follow it up with something negative just to balance it out. That's just how I've always been. I'm just a glass half empty kind of girl...

BUT! A positive thing that I have done for myself this year was get to my goal weight... and even below that. I've discovered a new love of exercise... particularly the love of bike riding. That's what helped me during the summer. I'm not a huge fan of gyms, but unfortunately they are necessary for me to stay at the weight I'm at. During the end of the summer I lost the rest of the weight I needed and now I'm back down to what I weighed in high school. I'm very proud of myself, and I hope that isn't conceited, but I worked really hard to get there... I even gave up juice and soda (for the most part, I still have one every so often). I've fluctuated a bit during the holidays (I had a 3 day cookie binge... don't judge me), but I'm still happy for the most part.

So for next year, I have some goals to work towards. I refuse to make resolutions because I think they are stupid and easily given up on. Goals are more open. This year I'm going to travel. I'm also putting some very, very serious thought into a month long European adventure. That may take longer then a year to plan, but my goal is to at least work towards that and set a serious date. I need to see Europe. It calls to me, and any one of my friends who would like to seriously work towards this with me are more than welcome. It's easier to stay motivated if you have someone who wants it to happen just as badly as you do.

I'm also going to work on conquering some more fears. My friend wants me to sky dive with her and while I'm absolutely terrified I'm putting some serious thought into it. My excuse has been that I've just got over my fear of flying, so it may take me a bit to work up the courage to jump OUT of a plane. That will for sure be the most insane thing I've ever done and I think I will end up regretting it if I don't do it. So we will see...

I'm also going to work on liking myself. Gaining self esteem has been a pretty long term goal, but I've never actually made any progress. My band has joked with me that I need to get an ego, and while I don't want an ego, adding a little bit of egotistical thoughts to my brain may help me out a little. I'm still working on getting over being shy. My band was a HUGE push to get over that, but deep down I'm still the same awkward little girl. This too may take longer than a year, but it's something that I will be working on in 2011.

So goodbye 2010. Thank you for the lessons. I look forward to reminiscing about you. As for you 2011, I am looking forward to all the new things you will be teaching me... I'm ready for you.