The Magic is Gone.

Yesterday, after I got home from work, my neighbor came outside to talk to me (for the sake of understanding the rest of my story you need to know that I live in a duplex). She wanted to inform me that her 4 year old son requested that my roommate put up the Christmas lights very soon. Theirs aren't working this year, and he is very concerned that Santa will not be able to find our house unless my roommate (not Corey or I) puts them up. I laughed and assured her that I would pass along the message and make sure we get them up, stat.

Hearing her sons concern about Santa made me remember how amazing Christmas time used to be. I loved everything about it, getting the tree, decorating it, putting up the lights, the music, driving around looking at the lights, the feel, the presents of course... everything. Those are all things that I still appreciate now, but not to the same caliber as when I was younger. I remember having dreams about it being Christmas, but then waking from them with this immense disappointment as I realized it was in fact not Christmas but rather the middle of July. Remember that excitement? Remember that feeling? It's gone now, at least for me. The feeling of Christmas has gone from my selfish excitement of getting presents to a selfless love of giving presents to other people. That's my main feeling when it comes to this time of the year. I seriously love buying things for other people, and Christmas is a great excuse to spoil the shit out of everyone I love.

I'm trying to recall when the "magic" died for me. It may have been around the time when I discovered the truth about Santa. For years I had been trying to decide on whether or not I was going to instill the idea of this Santa fellow into my future children. Recently, I came to the decision that the disappointment that comes later on when you realize that there really are no mystical, magical beings is worth the excitement in the years prior. Believing in Santa was a fun experience and I want my kids to experience the same joy that I did.

As I started to get older and question the idea, I would conduct my own experiments to try and prove whether or not he was real. I remember when I finally came to accept the truth. It was the day after Christmas and I was driving around with my dad and sister. There was a specific house on route 3A in Litchfield that is slightly downhill from the road and it gives you a clear view of the roof. Of course, all children know that Santa and his sleigh land on the roof, so I, being the clever little Santa debunker that I was, looked on the roof for any sign of sleigh or reindeer tracks. And much to my dismay, I saw none. It was then that I decided there was no Santa. The following Christmas only solidified my believe as I heard my mom and aunt sneaking downstairs with all the presents. I refused to admit the truth to my parents at first. I was scared that all the presents would stop once they realized I didn't believe, but I eventually decided they needed to know. I remember sadly walking into their room, looking at my mom, and with the most disappointed, monotone voice I reluctantly said, "Mom, I know there's no Santa" then turned and walked out of the room. And while it's actually kind of funny to me now, seeing how completely dramatic I needed to be about the whole thing, it was devastating for me at the time. The Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, all those I stopped believing in long, long before Santa. I mean really, how can you believe that there is this giant bunny creature hopping around hiding eggs in your house? That's kind of terrifying. But Santa, Santa I wanted to be real. Even though when you think about that it's equally as terrifying. That's breaking and entering, Santa... Just so you know.


Now, I think the thing I'm most looking forward to is being able to share the magic of Christmas with my own children. Of course, I'm not ready for that now. I have the rest of my 20's to live out before I start the baby making process. And I know it will be a few years before they will fully come to understand what Christmas means, but when that time comes I think the "magic" will begin to grow for me again. To see their faces and share in their excitement, to introduce them to old family traditions and create new ones of our own, that to me will create a completely new experience. And it's actually something I'm very much looking forward to...



... When I'm 30. :)