Exhausted

I'm frustrated... I'm frustrated with a many number of things. Me, life, humans, money.... everything. Everything is exhausting.

I feel stuck... Stuck in my mind, in my life, in my career.

Though I'm not sure any of this is new. There are times where I can suppress my frustration and exhaustion, still, I'm not very good at it... However, today, for some reason, has worn me out. Even now, I'm struggling to type at least a little something in this because I feel I have to... but it is exhausting me. Trying to find the correct words to accurately describe what it is I'm feeling is.... exhausting.

It's the anxiety kicking in with more force. My old, faithful (unwanted) friend. Slowly eating away at me, silently whispering in my ear all the things that terrify me, sucking the joy out of my existence, and slapping me in the face with dreadful reality. Lately, it's been taunting me with my number one fear, death. I can't stop thinking about it. Even during the happiest of moments my anxiety manages to slip in a little, What if he/she/you die(s)? What would you do?... Which I then have to work diligently to ignore. I hate it. I want to find out which receptor in my brain decides to fire off that little tid-bit of reality and destroy it... with fire. It's like I keep myself from being happy. But why? Why. I feel a little happiness so I have to knock myself down. But WHY?

Two years ago this was one of the happiest weeks in my lifetime. This was the week I met Corey. I remember being so overwhelmed with happiness, with those crazy little butterflies, that it actually scared me. We'd be laying together, or driving in his car, or in the midst of conversation and I'd drift off and think about how happy all of this had made me, but then, in true Sam form, that receptor would fire off a... You know this wont last. The butterflies never do. This is the happiest you will ever be in this relationship, and you'll never be able to relive this. WHY!? I remember one night in particular while we were laying in my bed I got that overwhelmingly happy feeling which was immediately followed by that little depressing thought and I cried. I cried like a little baby, but I hid it well. I didn't want to show him my "crazy," not just yet.

It's so depressing. And what's even worse is that I know I'm doing it to myself, yet I have no idea how to stop this from happening. Medication is completely out of the question. Already been down that road before, hunny, didn't like. Do not want. Never mind the fact that my insurance is possibly the worst insurance you can have besides not having any at all. But at the same time, I guess I'm learning to live with it. I guess that's all you can do really. Accept yourself for what you are and learn how to deal in a sane manner...

Growing up is really stupid.