Drown.

Drowning. Drowning in debt, in schoolwork, in emotions. I've just been drowning. The optimism from my last post still floats around in my head; bringing me much needed strength in my time of need. And while I am happier with this new path, I still struggle with the day to day.

I've thought about posting here; especially those nights when I have stressed myself out to the point of just barely suppressing the urge to rip off my own skin. I've gone back and read past entries in an attempt to work up the motivation to create a post, but this has only caused me to question this entire thing all together. Blogging... who does that? Why have I created this public place to expose my fragile emotions? It's almost embarrassing (no, it IS embarrassing).

Yet here I am again, exposing my unstable mind. Admitting to complete strangers, friends, acquaintances, enemies and any random passersby that I'm strange; like my life and thoughts actually matter to anyone other than myself. I confidently boast about goals I have never accomplished, trips I will never take, and for what? To embarrass myself in public? To disappoint my future self? So badly I want to say to you the only reason I write in this is to keep my mind fresh and to practice for the book I dream about writing... But am I lying to you? Intentionally or unintentionally?

School has been both a blessing and a curse. It's still hard to believe I've actually (semi)accomplished a goal I had set for myself since this blog is proof of how many things I let slip into obscurity, but I still question what the fuck I'm doing to myself.

In my 13 weeks of school I've completed two classes, and in two and a half weeks I will be done with two more. Everyone should be required to take at least one social work and (more) psychology class(es). They have been simultaneously eye opening and depressing. I've learned a lot about the world, and people, and depression, and families, and hormones, and all that happy (and not so happy) shit.... and it's made me a bit angry and disheartened with the world and the future.

Most of my school work has been self-reflective and I've discovered a lot of things about myself and my life I have never really let myself accept; one of those things being I am much too open about myself and my feelings... and this usually gets me into trouble. This realization was another reason I chose to look at past entries. It's nice to see what I was thinking. It's nice to see the progression of my writing and mind... but why have I done this in public? I am one of the only people I know who so willingly puts themselves out there for all the world to see, so maybe I should just stop. Maybe I should practice keeping these things to myself.

I want to say this will be my last post, but I've never been good at keeping my word, so I wont lie to you. All I can do is apologize to everyone for my terrible public displays of emotions... and apologize to myself for appearing so... naive... or terrible... or some other adjective I can't articulate.