You saved me.

It's sad to think that if things had worked out I would be leaving for London in 3 weeks. I'd be staring at Noel Fielding's beautiful face in real life, and maybe even speaking to him. BUT apparently, that is not what the universe had in store for me, and I'm actually content with not going... considering what it gave me instead.

One of the strangest things to me is how well you can connect with some people and not others. How you can meet someone and instantly form a bond, or develop a strong hatred. There have only been a small handful of people who I have instantly connected with in some way, and each time this occurs it sends me into deep thought. I mean, it has to mean something.

This almost goes hand-in-hand with my last post. When you meet these people, and form that bond, it's as if you were SUPPOSED to meet them. And every time this happens to me I try to figure out exactly why that is. What am I here for? What am I learning now? Sometimes, it's a little overwhelming. Normally I don't trust, don't fall in love, don't open up that easily and when I find myself doing just that I have to take a step back. I put up a wall to try and save myself from any possible pain. I fear pouring everything into something that could quite possibly go to shit at any second. This is just paranoia, and I should just relax. Even if things do go to shit, it was still a learning experience. I still gained something from it. So slowly, I just relax and try to go with the flow (for lack of a better phrase). But still, in the back of my mind... I'm trying to figure this person out, and why they have been put into my life.

So this "instabond" happened to me, just about a month ago, and I found myself doing all the things I mention above. But let me tell you what a fantastic feeling it is, despite all the stupid paranoia that comes with it. It still scares me a bit, especially since I started feeling things I never thought I would feel again. I'm definitely happy... and definitely glad the universe gave me this instead.

Chain of Events

My family was never religious. They never discouraged me from religion, instead they let me find my own way. Most of my friends went to church, so I wanted to see what it was all about. My first experience in a church was a Roman Catholic one. And let me tell you, being an 8 year old who knows nothing of god or religion, sitting there in that place had to have been one of the most boring experience in my life. I never fully believed in this "christian god." Every so often I would ask it to help me with something, saying, "If you are there..." I never really got an answer, I never really expected one, so in turn I've created my own theories. By no means am I religious, not in the least, but I am a pretty spiritual girl. I think we all have souls, we all have an energy, and when we die I think something must happen. For a long time now I've believed in reincarnation, mostly because I am supposed to be a reincarnation of someone. One thing I've been questioning after many deep conversations with a handful of different people is my theory on fate. I tell people I don't believe in god, I believe in fate. This meaning I believe everything happens for a reason. Until recently I believed that our entire lives are already planned out, every path we chose was because we were supposed to, and most people find that a little depressing. I feel torn. One the one hand, it makes so much sense. Think back on your life. Think of where you are now. I know I can trace all the series of events that have lead me to where I am. I can pin point the littlest things that have really turned out to be HUGE turning points in my life. I can't help but feel I chose those things on purpose, because I was supposed to. Fate planned that for me, and that's why I did it. What if I had chose the other path? Where would I be. I think the biggest turning point in my life was when I decided to go to youth group with Alison. Had I not done that my entire life would be different. I wouldn't be the same person, I wouldn't have the same friends, I wouldn't have had my first long relationship, I wouldn't listen to the same music... And now, even recently, I've seen fate working again all starting with my decision to go to American Idol with Jackie. That vacation turned into an eye opening experience... then after that my decision to go ahead and go to that party (a party at a friends house that I had JUST reconnected with)... all of these things feel like they were set there on purpose. I was SUPPOSED to do what I did, to go where I went. Then you have to think about the more depressing things, like death. I hate the saying, "it's part of god's plan," because sometimes death just doesn't seem necessary. Most of the time it seems that people are "taken" too young, and what is the point in that? Yes, it's a learning experience, truly one of life's big tests for you, but is that something that was supposed to happen? Was that laid out? Was it avoidable? I could go on for days with this, but this entry is already long enough. I wish there was some way to really know what is right... and if people think I'm totally insane for thinking the way I do.