Who are You?

It seems as if life is a constant struggle to find out exactly who we are. But what if... what if we already know. What if there is no ultimate conclusion, no miraculous discovery of self. What if the whole time we are searching, it is already there staring blankly back at us in the mirror everyday. I myself guilty of this soul searching, this cliche phrase, but after reading something... I can't recall what, but I think it was lyrics... about how someone needed to find themselves, that they didn't know who they were, I began to think about how silly that phrase is. I mean, really, we do know who we are. Sometimes we just hide it from ourselves, deny the horrible parts of our personalities that we don't want to accept and think that others don't see. But really look at yourself; really look at that phrase. If we had no idea who we were how could we possibly make the simplest of choices, whether that be a wardrobe choice or ordering from a menu. I know, and most of you know, that I don't like meat... therefor I am a vegetarian. I know that I don't like Abercrombie and Fitch... I know that I prefer rock music to rap, prefer thought out lyrics to ones about "bitches," I know all sorts of things about myself! So what am I searching for? Why do I continue to use the phrase, "I don't even know who I am" when really I do... Perhaps it's not the self we are searching for, the self being the parts of our personality we have yet to discover, but rather we are searching for the self we want to be. Maybe the "self" we're referring to is the person we saw ourselves being from a young age, or the person we want to live as. Maybe trying to find who we are indicates the struggle we face everyday to escape the monotony of our somewhat boring lives. Like for me, finding who I am would be finding a way of life that makes me happy everyday, finally becoming that person who I'm striving so hard to be...

But if that's not what finding yourself really means, then will someday everything become clear to me? Will I understand my purpose? What if there is none? How much time will be wasted in the hopes for some sort of self discovery when it all might be passing us by? What if this is it? This is life, this is who you are, there is no real purpose other than to live and enjoy the only shot you have at living your life. Is that such a bad thing? I don't think so. I know I've learned quite a bit about myself and others in the past 23 years. This discovery of self, this idea of finding out who you are, seems like it's just a phrase to motivate you, to maybe bring you out of your little bubble and let you really experience life for what it is. Life. Living... breathing... surviving... learning. Let's all find ourselves in hopes of living a life to the fullest extent.

Butcho dunno whatcho got til it's gone.

My freshman year of high school was 9 years ago. NINE years ago, which means it's been 5 years since I graduated. All the memories seem so fresh in my mind, all the inside jokes still funny, yet at the same time it feels so far away.

I'm 23 now, just teetering on the edge into my mid twenties. I have a "normal" job, a college degree, a nice home, a boyfriend, a dog (and Gabe!)... my life is pretty sweet! But it's also ridden with that horrible word: RESPONSIBILITY. When did this happen? I have to pay bills? I have to actually KEEP this job? What?! ...I find myself sometimes longing to be back in high school just to be able to live one more day with no responsibilities, no pressure from the "real world," to actually have more time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I'm supposed to be grown up now, and let me tell you, I have NO IDEA what I want to do as far as a career.

I remember being 16, fully engulfed in my teenage goth angst, being told to cherish high school, that you will appreciate it when it's gone. HA! I laughed their faces. ME?! I would NEVER miss CampHELL and its horribleness! Well, I was wrong. I got to wake up every morning and go see my friends. I was out by 2ish and free to do whatever my heart desired. Yeah, I had a part time job, but there was no pressure for me to keep it and I quit when I hated it. Yeah, I had to get up at 6, but I got to learn... for FREE. That will never happen again. College costs money, and even non-credit courses make you pay to learn. I didn't have to worry about staying in touch with my friends because I knew I'd just see them the next day. And the best part of all, I HAD NO BILLS TO PAY. Yeah there was drama, but I would withstand it all again just to have those few REAL moments of freedom.

I'm a completely different person now from who I was when I walked the halls of Campbell. People who knew me then have a completely wrong view of me. If I could do it all again I would care less. I would speak my mind instead of staying quiet, which I started doing anyways in the later years. I would actually enjoy myself instead of pushing my life into adulthood like I so wanted. If I could only know then what I know now I would have never wanted to rush.

This saying is probably the most true statement of all time: You never know what you've got 'til it's gone. Cherish every little moment, no matter how insignificant it seems. Even though I'm struggling now, doesn't mean later on in my life I wont look back and say the same thing I'm saying now about high school. I think I'm actually going to make a real effort to appreciate things I have so I don't live my entire life with regrets.

Political

I was told to never get into a political debate with friends. Definitely some good advice, but sometimes you just want to stir things up a little bit.

It's no secret that I am one of those tree huggin' liberals. My parents raised me with a democratic mindset, and as I've grown older and done more research I have found that I am pleased with their decision. I'm not extremely political, and I do admit that I don't know a whole lot about politics, but I'm far from being uneducated. If I don't understand something political I research it. The majority of my political research began with this past election. When the candidates were announced for the democratic party I wanted to know what they were all about. My first choice was Al Gore, but unfortunately he wasn't running again. I love him, I love his policies and I think our world would be a better place with him in the white house. But since he wasn't running, Obama was my second choice.

I am a democrat for the following reasons:

1. I hate guns, well no, let me correct myself; I hate that HUMANS use guns. I understand that it is written in the constution that we have the right to bare arms, but god damn. How many people have to die from useless gun violence before we do something? I would support a complete ban of them all together, bust since that wont happen I support the decisions to make the laws more strict.

2. Abortion is MY choice... MINE. What I do with my own body is up to me to decide, not the government.

3. The rich should pay more in taxes than the poor. If you make $500,000 a year while I can barely make it to $30,000, I should not be paying the same amount in taxes as you.

4. Gay MARRIAGE should be legal. It is against the constitution to deny gay and lesbian people the right to marriage. Who the hell are you to get in the way of their happiness? Man and man, woman and woman, either way they are still HUMANS in love.

5. I have had enough of this war and think we should get our troops back home with their families, so we can decrease the amount of tax money going overseas and focus on our issues at home.... like our horrible economy.

The only thing I stand torn on is the death penalty. I feel like killing someone who killed someone else is the easy way out for them. They wont have to sit with themselves and think about what they did everyday, they don't have to be in constant fear of getting raped or shanked in prison... BUT they do get somewhat of a free ride in jail. I have to pay for them to eat and live, when most just deserve to live in a hole in the ground.

So all in all, I support almost all of the major viewpoints of the democratic party. I try to respect everyones views, but in the back of my head... I probably think you're wrong. Facebook has become a huge stage for debating it seems. I've included myself on some of them, but had to stay out of a few. We all would like to think that what we say might actually sway the other persons views, but most of the time, it's completely useless to debate at all. You're stuck in your ways just as I am stuck in mine. But sometimes, it's nice just to be heard.

Three Little Words.

Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection. Obsession is defined as an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind. It's funny how the two can seem so closely related, or how one can be mistaken for the other. While in California, actually, while standing on the floor at the Green Day show in Sacramento, this thought entered its way into my head: Our society is with out a doubt obsessed with love.

Why has love turned into this monster of a feeling? Why is most teenage angst, depression, suicides, and ill feelings directed towards an emotion that is supposed to bring us nothing but joy? When did we cross the border into love obsession? Has it been like this for centuries? Since the beginning of time? It seems that since birth we are taught that love is the ultimate answer. Love will kill your loneliness, it will provide you with security, a home, tax breaks and children. You MUST be in love to have a stable home, you MUST be in love to reproduce, YOU MUST BE IN LOVE IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY. Does anyone else see the subliminal messaging everywhere you turn? Love or finding love is the underlying plot to almost every movie. Fairy tales filled with happily ever afters are shoved down our young throats in story books that are read to us as tradition. Shows always have love interests, books have love interests... Can you ever escape?!

Why is it we aren't taught to fend for ourselves? That the only love worth finding in this world is the love for yourself? How many of us can say they are in love, or were at one point in love, with another person? How many of you can honestly say you love(d) yourself? I can honestly say, I do not know that feeling. I have so much love to give to others, but when it comes time for myself I'm scraping the bottom of the proverbial love barrel. I'm not anti-love by any means, but I'm beginning to see the sad trend of unhappiness that is related to this word. Sometimes, the road to happiness is not found in another partner, but found within yourself. You do not need the love of another to make your life worth living because when it comes down to it, when everyone is gone, when you're left crying alone, betrayed, hurt, longing for that other person, YOU are there. You get yourself through it, and no matter who leaves you in this world YOU will always be there for yourself. Maybe this is the sort of love society should be focusing on.

Antwitter.

Since I found out what exactly a "twitter" was, I have been firmly rooted in my decision that it is pointless. Well, unless you are one of the following: famous or someone who travels around the world. I highly doubt the lot of you care about my existence 24/7, nor would you sit eagerly at your computer screen anticipating my next emotastic status update. Though lately (lately as in February), I have become much to lazy to update this crazy nonsense. I try to half heartedly think of something worth while (and short) to post about but nothing comes to mind, except for a few sentence. So then, in essance, wouldn't my blog become the aweful twitter thing? I cannot allow that to happen, so unfortunately you'll have to read through my rants, or simply click the x, which I'm sure most people do once you get past the first few sentences. I'm guilty of the same thing, so I can't really say much now can I.

I'm not one for updating you on how my day was or anything like that. I like to touch on issues that could potentially spark someone to actually SAY something on my blog, something that might actually stimulate those crazy little brain cells you have there. Though, alas, my brain is empty of anything worth while at the moment. Either that or it's something I don't want to share with the general public.

So soon, my babies, I will have something to say. As for now, this entry has become much too long.

Unspoken

Unspoken
Lyrics by: Samantha Angelo
Music by: Acrida
Inspired by & written for the film: Boundaries of Attraction

The warmth of your skin sends shivers down my spine.
And our hearts, they beat in perfect time.

And just before you wake,
I will be safe right here in your arms.
And just before I open my eyes,
I will visualize that you are mine.

Don't wake me if I'm dreaming.
Right here is the only place I want to be.
With you I feel safe,
you're my protector.
If only you felt, you felt the same.

And just before you wake,
I will be safe right here in your arms.
And just before I open my eyes,
I will visualize that you are mine.

Don't ignore me.
We belong together.
Why can't you hear me?
Just hear me.

© Acrida 2008

Eclipse

Eclipse
Lyrics by: Samantha Angelo & Michael Giguere
Music by: Acrida

Just pretend, believe your lie.
Nothing you do now can ever justify.

I hate it, you fake it.
Just to get close to me.
Can't take it, you're jaded.
You can't be a part of me.

See the fire in your eyes.
Aggravated I can't be your prize.
So long ago you took away,
every single ounce of faith I had in everything.
So this is the price you pay.

I hate it, you fake it.
Just to get close to me.
Can't take it, you're jaded.
You can't be a part of me.

Feed me line after line.
I wont fall for it this time.
You see with out you I'm just fine.
I gave you a part of me.
It's not my fault you couldn't see how much I meant to you.
I'm sorry, there's nothing you can do.

You pulled me down,
made me into this.
Because of you I can never trust again.
So you think that now after everything you've done,
some bullshit lines will make me fall for you.

I hate it, you fake it.
Just to get close to me.
Can't take it, you're jaded.
You can't be a part of me.

Feed me line after line.
I wont fall for it this time.
You see with out you I'm just fine.
I gave you a part of me.
It's not my fault you couldn't see how much I meant to you.
I'm sorry, there's nothing you can do.

I see right through your games.
I deal with this every day.
You think you're clever.
You think we belong together.

When did this become about you?
(You could never be so wrong)
I thought you couldn't live with out me.
(You could never be so wrong)
What seemed to happen this time?
(You could never be so wrong)
I thought you, you were mine.
(So wrong, you're wrong)

You are wrong, Never be so wrong.
Wrong, you are wrong.

© Acrida 2008