Jaiden Tlapa

About a year ago, The Cabinet started covering a story of a little girl who was critically injured by falling off her deck and into a snowblower. Don't directly quote me on this, but I am fairly certain that's what happened. My co-worker and I both started following this story. At that point, we had a hand in putting the paper together, so we were able to read the newest story every week. Unfortunately, she lost the fight and died from her injuries. She was 8 years old.

Friday I was reminded of this horrible accident when, in my pile of ads, I discovered I had the memorial ad for her. Immediately I thought, Oh god... I HATE doing memorial ads because I am a ball of emotion all the time. The first one I had to do back in 2006 made me cry for at least 15 minutes after I typed it all out. It's strange, but this little girls ad felt almost personal to me. Even though I had never met her, or her family, I still felt some sort of connection. I wanted to make this ad beautiful, I wanted the family to look at it and think what a nice job that designer did... I wanted to somehow convey to that family that I was pulling for her too, and that I have them and her in my heart. It was a very simple message, stating that the family is still thinking of her and will love and miss her always. I couldn't make it look exactly how I wanted since it was a small ad, but I tried. The only thing they wanted in it was a dragonfly in flight. I found a cute cartoonish one, but I felt like I needed to do something more personal, so in the flight lines I created, 2 of them are conviently create the shape of a heart. It didn't turn out as I wanted it to, and I don't even know if they'll be able to tell, but I really hope they do.

I couldn't imagine how this family feels. The unimaginable loss, the hurt, the guilt. How do you ever heal from something like that? She was so young, so full of life, and it was all cut short by one accident. I don't know her, I don't know her family, but every time I hear her name or am reminded of this story I can't help but fight back tears. I wish that somehow there was something I could have done, though obviously there was nothing. I will probably never talk to this family, but if by some small chance they come across my blog I want them to know that my heart goes out to them. And that even though she might not be here in body, in spirit and memory Jaiden lives on forever.

Reflection.

I sit here, staring at the screen of my computer, gorging myself with M&M's from a cow, and all I can think is... wow... I've made no progress this year.

Well, ok, that statement isn't 100% true. I have made some progress, a lot of it mental. 2008 was truly a year of reflection, learning, trial and error... a lot of error... a lot of errors I'm still continuing to make, and growth as an adult. I opened myself up to things I've never really experienced before. I've had a lot of time to think about who I really am and what I really want, but I can't help but feel I let myself down somehow.

The notable things I've achieved were the joining of my band, and my "new" (4 month old) relationship. Both of which took, and are still taking, a lot of courage and effort, and are making me insanely proud and happy.

Taking that first step to audition for Acrida was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Preforming, recording, it's like the first step in a dream come true. Sometimes I just sit back and think about how, only a year ago, I was staring at the stage thinking... I have to do this. I have to be up there... How the hell am I going to make this happen? And now here I am... I've played a handful of shows, I recorded a cd... I've heard my voice mature... and become proud of what I can do. I still can't believe I somehow mustered up the courage to even go to that audition... but I'm so glad I did.

And who was the one who finally made me see how proud of myself I was? Corey. He could not have picked a better time to enter into my life. In the four months that I've known him, he's made me feel so much more confident. He took my drowned, dead self esteem and revived it with a life I can't even begin to describe. Through him, I am finding myself again... Being with him makes me feel alive, when before I thought every emotion inside of me was dead. Everyday I wake up EXACTLY where I want to be. And everyday I think of how lucky I am to have met someone like him. Words can't even adiquately describe how I feel, anything I could say or write or do never seems enough. But he makes me happy, he makes me feel like I am worth something, and all the challenges, good times and bad, have really brought me back to life.

I look back on my old livejournal entry, dated a year ago today, and I see the things I wished I hadn't done, and wanted to fix this year. Money being one of those things. I'm starting to get better, but it got a whole lot worse before I started correcting myself. The other goal, was to travel. Again, 2009 is looking VERY good in that prospect. Corey and I already have 2 trips planned, one to California and another to Las Vegas(?). Though, I can't help but feel disappointed in myself for not having the drive to make the travel plans happen last year. And I can't help but feel like I'm constantly waiting. Waiting for more money, waiting for more time, waiting for that perfect opportunity to cross my path. Why don't I ever just jump into things? No, again that's not true, the only things I've succeeded in this year I have jumped into, so why am I still so afraid? So LAZY? I'm so convinced that I am in control of my own happiness, so why do I stand in my own way all the time?

A lot of it has to do with the opinions of others. I feel like I'm under constant scrutiny of EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. Everyone judges me, everyone wants to make MY decisions for me. I get so lost in other people that I forget about what I really want 99% of the time. So this year, my resolution will be to stop caring about that. To not get lost in other people and only focus on what is going to make ME happy in the long run. I've lived so long only doing what other people wanted me to do, and feeling guilty for doing things MY way. I understand most people just want what's best for me, but please, enough is enough. This is MY life. I will make mistakes, that's the only way I'll learn. And if I really think that making a certain choice is going to make me happy then WHY would you want to stand in my way? How could you prevent me from having that happiness... even if it's only a temporary thing?

It almost feels like making any sort of goal is pointless because most of the time I never really follow through, but I'm going to continue to make them any way. In 2009 I am going to stop being so lazy, so afraid of everything, and I'm really going to start living the way I want to. I'm going to mess up, I'm going to get lost, but eventually I'll find my way back. This year will be the year I finally start living for me.

Happy New Year, let's all try and make 2009 the year we've all been waiting for.

Yes we fucking Can.

This man is my president. I'm trying EXTREMELY hard not to rub it in people's faces, and trying even harder not to punch anyone who says this is now the downfall of the country. Check your facts just one more time for me. Do some ACTUAL research and then please, battle me. But I warn you, not much is going to sway me from my firm opinions and optimism about his upcoming presidency.

This is a positive change, and in time, I'm sure all the doubters will see the benefits of him leading our country. Foreign relations will be strengthened. We will soon no longer be sinking our tax money into a pointless war. There will be tax breaks for the hardworking middle class. The environment will be on it's way to being saved. New research for freeing us of our dependency on oil will be started and encouraged. Health care will be receiving more help from the government. Where is the downside? Had McCain become president very few, if any, of those positive changes would be put into effect. Not only that, but he (and Satan aka Sarah Palin) would be TAKING AWAY MY FREEDOM to choose what I do with my own body. And I'll be dammed before I let any bald white guy, or retarded hockey mom, tell me what I can and cannot do with my uterus.

Some of you don't see it now, but give it time. Little by little this economy will recover, our foreign relations will strengthen, our national debt will start to heal, new jobs will be made, the environment will be saved, this country will become a much more positive and happy place. Whether you see it now or not, in time you will look back on your reaction and see how misinformed you were. Barack Obama is the change we need, and you WILL be pleasantly surprised.

"There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can't solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it's been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand. .... As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, "We are not enemies, but friends...though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection." And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too." - PRESIDENT elect Barack Obama

Stop. Emo-time.

Sometimes I take a step back and look at myself, really look at myself, and I think, "What am I doing?" Sometimes I feel so out of control of my own life, my own body, my own mind. There are times I feel so focused, but then one little thing gets in my way and I spiral out of control. My mind is so full of contradictions, and it's slowly driving me insane.

What do I want? I've never really had a hard time answering this question. I'd like to think I know exactly what I want from my life, but are my goals and aspirations too far fetched? Will I ever be able to complete one single thing that will make me feel whole and accomplished? When will I be strong enough to take that first blind leap? When will everyone else's opinions not matter to me?

I worry too much. I think too much. I obsess over nothing. I fall too hard. My mind is my worst enemy. I am keeping myself down, standing in my own way, and it frustrates me to no end.

Anxiety has me by my hypothetical balls (ovaries?) again, and I swear to all that is holy, I'm going to punch myself right in the brain to make it stop.

Word Blocked. It's kind of like cock blocking except worse.

There are quite a few things that are on my mind right now, yet I'm having trouble finding the words to explain it all. It's almost as if my brain is working in hyper mode. I feel as if I'm thinking of a million things at once, yet not one single word is able to sneak through and make it onto the page. I've sat down to write a song for the past 3 weeks and have been unable to find the words. Yes, yes I believe I have writers block.

I've been inspired by so many different things recently, too. My life is one crazy roller coaster ride at the moment, so it's not like I don't have material to pick from, but all I can manage are a few lines here and there. I can't form anything concrete or final. I can't get anything more than a paragraph down before I start staring at the page blankly, drooling a little.

Today I discovered how much I am in love with Secondhand Serenade. The lyrics in the songs seem like they were meant for me, and I am so inspired by that. Yet I still sit here, unable to process anything worth while.

This is beyond frustrating.

London calling...

Last week I received one of the top 5 most depressing emails of all time. Up until that point, I had thought the Mighty Boosh Live tickets we purchased were lost somewhere in the mail... Perhaps they were in the ocean... But no. It started out like any other time I went to check my email, but then dramatically changed when, there, in the subject line I saw "Mighty Boosh Live tickets." No, I thought, no it couldn't be. Yes... yes it was. My beautiful tickets are waiting for me in London at the box office. Yeah that's so great! Thanks for telling me 3 weeks prior to the show, which leaves me.... NO time to attempt to save to get there. Oh believe me, there was a moment of panic when I thought to myself, "What the hell can I sell?" It even seemed like a plausable idea until I actually calculated everything. No, no unfortunately it's not possible. I'm missing out on one of the things I want most, a chance to see Noel Fielding's flawless face in person. *sigh* Someday I'll make it to London, I swear to Buddha, but for now I'm just going to have to settle with sitting in a corner, crying like a child on the 23rd... when I was supposed to be at the damn show.

And for those of you in London, or the UK in general, who are going to the show... Eff you man. Eff YOU! ... No not really. But please think of me... maybe your mind powers will send me images of what's going on before I have to search for them on youtube.... and cry.

Blank.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. I love you.