Being Human.

Twenties have been interesting. And hard. And stressful. But after reading a few other blogs and articles it seems as though this might be normal. I had this image of what a 20-something was supposed to be like. Even entering my 20s I expected a great many things from my future self. Older me was going to have her shit together. All my mental and physical struggles were going to be fixed and figured out! I was going to be awesome! However, I put too much faith into time. In time I would fix it - just give it some time and things will work themselves out. I put some half-assed effort into fixing myself, though that turned out to not be good enough. But a strange thing starts to happen in your 20s - time suddenly doubles in speed. Then after 25 it quadruples. And before you know it you're staring 30 in the face while wondering, "What the hell happened!?"


But seriously, what the hell has happened? I am no where near the person younger me thought I would be - which is simultaneously depressing and relieving (younger me had some stupid ass ideas). I know I've talked about this before on here, I may have even talked this to death, but the journey through 20 has been eye opening. I gain a new perspective with every passing year (or week or minute for that matter). So I feel the need to document and pass on this information.

I know I had said I was no longer going to write in here. I've been going back and forth with this thing for a while. I've been afraid of being judged for putting my depression struggle on display. But I thought about it and decided - I don't care. I almost want people to know because explaining this is real life can be difficult. Especially now when I feel like I'm losing friends because of it.

For a very, very long time now, I've been stuck in a hole. I think I'm looking at 2 years of being in a pretty steady state of unhappiness. I'm not completely sure why - as I've tried changing my environmental stressors quite a few times. Ridding myself of things which cause me an excess of negativity. And for brief periods of time it's caused me some relief - but I still live in this fog. I have this terrible monster looming over me, and a separate one tucked away inside my soul. I can't shake them, and I'm not sure what it's going to take to rid my life of them. To some degree, I think I will always carry them with me - one of the lovely new realizations my 20s have brought me (much to the dismay of my past self who thought it would be over by now). I just need to know how to live like a normal human being while they try to suck the life from my body.

That's what I think I've been failing at - being human. Living like a normal person. I've started avoiding things. Stupid, normal things stress me out. I started coping with this in unhealthy ways - successfully bringing myself a whole new cart of baggage to deal with and sort through.

I don't think it's any secret to most people I've become extremely antisocial. I host parties, yes, but I don't think many people realize this is where I see a pretty large majority of my friends. I've become very good at being a hermit. In some ways, I'm pretty proud of myself - in my early 20s and teens I never wanted to be alone. Now, I am totally stoked to sit at home alone. To go shopping alone. To drive long distances alone (with the exception of my dog's company for most of these things). When the hell did this happen?

However, I attribute some of this to the depression. Everything exhausts me - being human totally exhausts me. Socializing? Oh man. I'm incredibly introverted and shy, and now with the increased depression, using my limited social skills has become quite the task. Sometimes when people ask me to do things, and I've had a particularly exhausting day of battling my monsters, I literally don't have the energy to force myself to be around people. There's a small group who I can just say that to and they understand, but I know after a while of the same excuse people start to question whether or not I'm telling the truth - maybe even start to think I don't like them. This is not the case at all. I'm just exhausted - and have been exhausted for a very, very long time.

I keep doubting myself and have been incredibly mentally self-abusive. The inside monster likes to tell me how awful I am. She likes to remind me on a regular basis that I'm nothing, tells me everyone hates me, and remind me about everyone else who has their shit together. This same monster has made drinking become an issue - as I use it as a social crutch. It has recently come to my attention that I become this monster from time to time. She loves to manifest herself after a few shots. After foolishly thinking I could some how figure out a way to enjoy alcohol and still keep her at bay - I'm finally admitting defeat. I'm failing at being a human - what made me think I could drink like one?

I'm now starting to have to think about school again. I've had a nice long break - which flew by and was barely long enough. I have to keep reminding myself it's almost over. I'm so close to a bachelors. On a positive note, school can be a nice distraction. AND since I'm a human development major (psychology) the coursework can be a fantastic way to learn how to cope with myself (and the monsters).

I enjoy learning - especially this subject - but I often have doubts. I'm terrified of the debt I will have to pay. I'm scared I won't be able to handle the workload in the Masters program that I'll eventually have to enter into - never mind the rest of the workload to get my bachelors. I'm scared I wont like my field just like how I didn't like graphic design (though in my defense I never liked it). I get too caught up in "what-ifs." Sometimes I have to be reminded (mostly by Corey) not to get too caught up in them - but the monsters don't like optimism.

Even though I'm trapped in my own mind, blinded by the fog, and dragged down by my hypothetical monsters - I still feel happy from time to time. Sometimes I just need to be alone with myself for a bit to recoup - to re-energize myself into normal human functioning - which is sometimes why my hermiting is a beneficial thing. I'm trying not to be so reclusive that I lose all my friends, but explaining all this to people (some of whom don't totally understand depression) makes me feel a bit pathetic. And that's how this struggle has made me feel - completely pathetic.