Ah, 2009...

Even though I technically still have another day and a half or so left of 2009, I think now is as good a time as any to write my reflection on another year past.

Woah, where did it go!? Am I the only one who feels like this year completely flew by? It seems like the older I get the faster time goes (except for right now of course; my job slows down time itself). I've been thinking about this entry for a few days now, trying to remember the lessons I've learned and things I've experienced, and all I can think is, "DAMN! 2009 is over already?!" This is a little scary. Before I know it I'll be 30, and that's terrifying... Though now is not the time for fears, now is the time to enlighten you with the things I have come to discover about myself and life in general this year.

Well, last year I vowed not to be lazy... whoops! I still am, but I am actually trying to be slightly more proactive about my laziness. I've been going to the gym almost every week with Noelle since, I want to say, October... end of September? Either way, I'm there and actually enjoying myself. I am still unhealthily obsessed with my weight, unfortunately. Though I am proud that I have been able to keep myself at relatively the same size for over a year now. I can actually fit into (some) size 7 jeans for the first time since I started working (and porkin' out) at The Teeg. The most exciting moment was a month ago when I ALMOST fit into a size 5... someday... maybe 2010. I've come to the point where I really just want to be healthy. I've never been able to run a mile without wanting to kill myself and everyone around me, so I'd really like to be able to do that someday. Plus, the more in shape I am, the easier is it to have a good stage presence. It may not seem like it, but rockin' out takes a lot out of you!

My band, oh sweet jesus, my band... I love them to death, but we have all come to realize a band relationship is probably one of the hardest ones to have. We've had a lot of ups and downs, we've had some absolutely insane (good and bad) experiences (Alliance Fest being towards the top of the crazy list), but we have had a fantastic year. As we approach our 2nd anniversary, I can't even believe how far we've come. I am so unbelievably excited for our new CD and to start off this new year with them. I have a really good feeling about everything...

My friends (including Corey) have also had a huge impact on my year as well. I've become closer to some, further away from others, reconnected with some and made new ones... And I can't say that I'm terribly disappointed with the way everything has worked out. I am so thankful to have so many great people in my life. Some of you have helped me in more ways than you'll ever know (I hope you know who you are), and for that I will always show you the exact same treatment you've shown me. When I tell a person, "I am here for you," I mean it. I genuinely care about all of you and appreciate every single little thing you've done for me. Having you all in my life has made this year even more exciting.

So I guess now I should reflect a little on me. This year I have conquered my number one fear, flying. And you know what? It wasn't that bad. I mean, being in a tube in the air is a terrifying idea in itself, but somehow it felt safe enough. I still don't think I could handle more than a 6 hour flight just because I get so restless. There's only so long you can sit there idly facing the seat in front of you before you want to start screaming. Turbulence... not a big fan of, but flying was totally worth it. I finally made it on a big trip, I finally saw the west coast, and I am FINALLY no longer afraid to fly. I'm taking slow little baby steps to rid myself of anxiety. I've made a few huge steps forwards, but there have also been steps back. I think the key is to keep trying. I really don't want to live this way forever. If there was something that I learned from the California trip it was that you cannot live your life in fear. The only way to get over something is to face it, and now that I've done that, I'm willing to push things aside so I can actually LIVE my life.

So for 2010 I don't think I'm going to make any sort of resolution. Every year I always end up learning and experiencing so much. There are definitely things I want to do, like continuing to travel (I'm supposed to be going to the Bahamas, pretty excited), continuing to exercise (including working on strengthening my back muscles so maybe someday I wont be in excruciating pain), continuing to evolve with my band, and to continue to work on my depression and anxiety.

Life is a constant struggle, it tests you and every so often rewards you with something you never expected. I'm an extremely pessimistic person, but this past year I have been trying to look at things (especially myself) in a new, brighter light. Corey has helped a lot with that. He's constantly trying to help me see all the good in the world and myself and I can never express to him how much it helps me, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it.

I'm definitely both excited and anxious to see what 2010 holds. I know there will be bad, but I also know that despite any situation I may face the good is never too far behind. So bring it 2010... 
I'm ready for you.