24 October, 2008

Stop. Emo-time.

Sometimes I take a step back and look at myself, really look at myself, and I think, "What am I doing?" Sometimes I feel so out of control of my own life, my own body, my own mind. There are times I feel so focused, but then one little thing gets in my way and I spiral out of control. My mind is so full of contradictions, and it's slowly driving me insane.

What do I want? I've never really had a hard time answering this question. I'd like to think I know exactly what I want from my life, but are my goals and aspirations too far fetched? Will I ever be able to complete one single thing that will make me feel whole and accomplished? When will I be strong enough to take that first blind leap? When will everyone else's opinions not matter to me?

I worry too much. I think too much. I obsess over nothing. I fall too hard. My mind is my worst enemy. I am keeping myself down, standing in my own way, and it frustrates me to no end.

Anxiety has me by my hypothetical balls (ovaries?) again, and I swear to all that is holy, I'm going to punch myself right in the brain to make it stop.

16 October, 2008

Word Blocked. It's kind of like cock blocking except worse.

There are quite a few things that are on my mind right now, yet I'm having trouble finding the words to explain it all. It's almost as if my brain is working in hyper mode. I feel as if I'm thinking of a million things at once, yet not one single word is able to sneak through and make it onto the page. I've sat down to write a song for the past 3 weeks and have been unable to find the words. Yes, yes I believe I have writers block.

I've been inspired by so many different things recently, too. My life is one crazy roller coaster ride at the moment, so it's not like I don't have material to pick from, but all I can manage are a few lines here and there. I can't form anything concrete or final. I can't get anything more than a paragraph down before I start staring at the page blankly, drooling a little.

Today I discovered how much I am in love with Secondhand Serenade. The lyrics in the songs seem like they were meant for me, and I am so inspired by that. Yet I still sit here, unable to process anything worth while.

This is beyond frustrating.

13 October, 2008

London calling...


Last week I received one of the top 5 most depressing emails of all time. Up until that point, I had thought the Mighty Boosh Live tickets we purchased were lost somewhere in the mail... Perhaps they were in the ocean... But no. It started out like any other time I went to check my email, but then dramatically changed when, there, in the subject line I saw "Mighty Boosh Live tickets." No, I thought, no it couldn't be. Yes... yes it was. My beautiful tickets are waiting for me in London at the box office. Yeah that's so great! Thanks for telling me 3 weeks prior to the show, which leaves me.... NO time to attempt to save to get there. Oh believe me, there was a moment of panic when I thought to myself, "What the hell can I sell?" It even seemed like a plausable idea until I actually calculated everything. No, no unfortunately it's not possible. I'm missing out on one of the things I want most, a chance to see Noel Fielding's flawless face in person. *sigh* Someday I'll make it to London, I swear to Buddha, but for now I'm just going to have to settle with sitting in a corner, crying like a child on the 23rd... when I was supposed to be at the damn show.

And for those of you in London, or the UK in general, who are going to the show... Eff you man. Eff YOU! ... No not really. But please think of me... maybe your mind powers will send me images of what's going on before I have to search for them on youtube.... and cry.

10 October, 2008

08 October, 2008

Pictures: Because my brain is on vacation.





It's funny that I have to change my appearance all the time in order to keep myself semi sane... yet I have such a hard time handling any other sort of change in my life.