28 August, 2008

Crazy Internet

I was sent this test to take. It only takes a few minutes to complete and the results are actually pretty accurate. Today's was not as spot-on as yesterday's was. Here's a little taste of what it said:

Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace, and affectionate understanding. Feels she has been treated with a lack of consideration and is upset and agitated as a result. Regards her situation as intolerable as long as her requirements are not complied with.

Your Actual Problem
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. A feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. Tries to escape from this by relinquishing the struggle, and by finding peaceful and restful conditions in which to recuperate in an atmosphere of affection and security.

Your Actual Problem #2
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

There's a lot more to it, but I only started copying the text on these questions. It's pretty cool. Give it a go.

27 August, 2008

Not affiliated with my professional career.

My sister had a quote in an away message recently that I absolutely love.

"I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and get hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."
- T. Rubin

Especially in the state I was in, this quote inspires me to be a better person; to love myself and all the stupid little quirks I have, to take the bad as it comes and just slowly work through it and aspire to be in that place of happiness I once was. I can never let my mind get the best of me, no one should, but unfortunately that is easier said than done. Lucky for me, thanks to an amazing weekend, loving friends and wonderful mind over matter skills, I have found my happiness again. My mind is light, my body no longer feels as if I'm being dragged closer and closer into the ground. I am ok. The choices I made to better myself, as hard as they may be, are totally necessary, and because of what I've chosen to do I feel stronger than ever. I am finally on the road I need to be on, and have needed to be on for a long time. I am ok, I will be ok no matter what, and the fact that I can finally say that just shows I am leaps and bounds from where I was even a year ago.

Finally, I can breathe again.

*Edit: Turns out T. Rubin shares my birthday. Great minds share birthdays...

20 August, 2008

Broken

I've gone from one extreme to the other in just a week, spending most of my time in the middle of nowhere, absent of cell phone service and civilization in general, only to leave that for one of the biggest, most popular cities in the world. Something inside just wont allow me to embrace New York City as a good place to be, I am far to loyal to my wonderful, comfortable Boston. None the less, it is a fantastic city. Central Park was one of the most beautiful places (in a city) I have ever been, and I really would like to go back soon so I can fully explore the depths of the city. Maybe next time I will actually have money to spend.

In that time, my vacation, I was supposed to relax. My mind was supposed to clear and just forget all the troubles and worries I might have to face in the impending days that lie ahead, and for a minute there, I could actually shut off. I was carefree. I was content. I was comfortable and free and was able to forget, but then like a flash of light, there it was, poising my brain with anxiety and stress. Panic overtook me, then became me, as my vacation drew to the end.

Now I sit here, back in my cubicle, amongst the gray walls and soft whir of the printers, and I feel worse than I did before. I am broken down, I am a shell of who I was and wanted to be. I am completely drained of all passion I had before I left. I am empty... Completely broken open, used and exposed to the world. The only question I have is what have I done to deserve this complete drain of my mental health?

All I want from this life is happiness, why is it so hard to obtain?

11 August, 2008

Why Fredrico? Why?


Dear Fredrico,
You have been my best friend since I was 16. The first time we met you were about 3 and we instantly formed a bond. Soon after I found out you were a boy who enjoyed masochism from time to time (to make the gas light go away). You've been so reliable for so long, you even got me to a gas station safely every time, even when you had been on empty for close to 2 days. Now Fredrico, why today? I know I've been ignoring your sickness for so long, but you have to understand the situation I am in. You knew once I had the money I would fix you up good as new! You just needed to wait another month or 2, and you came so close! I saw you struggling a few days ago when the check engine light started flashing and you almost stalled in the middle of the street. And thank you so much for fixing yourself just enough to get me up to the lake. I'm sorry for pushing you so hard yesterday, but I had to get you out of the mud. Now I'm not mad at you, old friend, I only wished you could have given me just a little bit more time. I have to leave you at the strange mechanics until Saturday now, and when I get back, who knows how much more time we will have together. We might have to trade you in. I wish you could have let me know what I was doing wrong sooner. Like, when I had the money to spend because now I'm afraid we'll have to say goodbye. I'll miss you good buddy, thanks for all the good times. Sorry I couldn't do anything sooner to fix you.

Love always and forever,
Sammi.

06 August, 2008

Noel Fielding: Literally the man of my dreams.



Ever have one of those dreams where, in it, you think, "For the love of god, please don't be a dream." Then when you wake you are overcome with the biggest, dorkiest overwhelmingly sad feeling...? Well I did. I'm sitting here still left in the post dream haze, still hanging on to the little bits of happy anxiety that linger in my body, and I've come to this conclusion:

I am a HUGE dork, and subconciously I'm a much bigger fangirl than I thought I was.

First of all, I was living in London (well it was supposed to be, but no one had accents). Second, Noel Fielding (who took the form of a accentless, plump version of Trent Reznor.. wtf?!) saw me and was INSTANTLY in love. Ok seriously, besides the whole plump Trent Reznor thing, who wouldn't want to be in that dream? Hmm?

Not this girl. Oh Noel...

05 August, 2008

Bensons: Part Duex.

Edit: I added 2 pictures I found on google of Benson's back the the day. It's pretty friggin' awesome. I'm hoping to find more. My goal is to find an old map.



Chris, Ali and I went for a walk in Benson's yesterday where we basically just finished what Chris and I (and a handful of others) started about 5 years ago now. It took me 5 years to get back here and actually see what I wanted to see, the abandoned buildings and cages. Turns out the group of us back in '03 went completely the wrong way. We basically walked around marshlands for a few hours. Even visiting it during the day was scary enough, so despite being disappointed about not seeing the buildings, I'm glad I waited until the day to explore them.

I've finally decided on 2 books I'm going to write. The first one being a revised, longer version of a story I started when I was probably about 15, and the second will be an autobiography of sorts. I'll explain more tomorrow.

04 August, 2008

You Fake Bitch.

Please Note Before reading this post: I am one of the biggest feminists I know, so please don't think that I am in any way belittling my sex.

I was torn with what subject this blog was going to focus on. At first, I was all gung-ho (sp?) with the idea of writing about a drug busting turtle ... "Is there any chance that the turtle was stoned?" (God I love fox news), but then something sparked a new idea. I really have no clue where this came from...

I once saw a bit on a Chris Rock comedy special about how women are liars, physically. It made me laugh pretty hard because I knew it was true. He talked about all the little things you could change in order to make yourself better. For some reason this morning, that bit popped into my head again. Good god, Chris Rock, how right you are.


Women can change the following with out any surgery at all:

Boobs: Just slap on a padded bra or get some fancy silicone breast implants then BAM, even the flattest of girls will appear to have a little bit of cleavage!

Height: Don't wanna be short? Put on some damn heels bitch!

Hair color and length: You can be any color of the rainbow, just dye it. And if you want longer hair.... just get some extensions. You can even kill 2 birds with one stone and get COLORED hair extensions.

Eyelashes: Even if you have small, thin eyelashes all you have to do is get some fake ones.

Weight/Shape: They sell corsets for that shit, man. Not even the "sexy lingerie" ones. They have underwear that can sinch your waist, belly and thighs. AND they have bathing suits that can do the same thing.

Skin: Concealer and foundation are your best friend if your skin is too red or has too much acne. AND! If you're not tan enough just go grab some tan-in-a-can or go to a tanning bed.

Dude, what the hell is this shit? You can become a completely different person just by going to Wal-Mart. It's unfortunate that girls are under so much pressure to look good that even YOUR EYELASHES aren't good enough. Not that I'm against any of these things really... I'm guilty of being a "liar." I wear padded bras. Hell! I even have the stupid boob insert things. Though I don't wear them too often because I feel insanely fake and misleading when I do. My hair color is different every other day. Fake eyelashes? Yeah I have those... Corsets? I have about 10. I'm guilty of using tan-in-a-can (or tube). Concealer and foundation are my best friends, and people are shocked when I wear flats because they are so used to my heels.

It's a shame that we are so pressured to look good that we hide under a mask of fake. I wish I was comfortable enough with myself to be able to look at my naked, make-upless self and think "God damn, I'm hot!" but you know, that's never gunna happen. I'll continue to buy all the stupid little gimmicky products that claim I'll look like all the hot celebrates. Unfortunately, the older I get, the more I'll start to hide behind all the fake, materialistic bullshit... and so will everyone else.

All this got me thinking about how fucked guys are. It's not socially acceptable for them to change their appearance the way women change theirs. If a guy wore heels, they'd be gay. Fake eyelashes? Gay. Makeup? Gay. If they stuffed their crotches or if someone made a crazy silicone dick insert and some guy wore it, they'd be teased to no end. It's like guys, as big of liars as they are, are forced by society to be honest... at least physically. Even the most hideous of women can be made up to look insanely hot *cough*morganweb*cough*, but if you're an ugly, acne-prone, short guy...sorry, society says you can't make yourself look better. Very strange.

Society is confusing. Gender rolls are confusing. And the media is the devil.